His Grace Amazing

Fierce Personality: A Review of "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldredge

2011-10-17T22:16:00.008-04:00

It was December 2010. I arrived at the breathtaking Frontier Ranch in Buena Vista, CO to attend the Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp, led by author, co-founder, and director of Ransomed Heart Ministries, John Eldredge. During the 3-days in the Rockies taking a deeper look and walk with the interpersonal relationship with Jesus, this band of brothers over 350 strong from around the world was intrigued to hear Eldredge and his Ransomed Heart team (Craig McConnell, Bart Hansen, and Morgan Snyder) begin to talk about a new book about the life – and personality – of Jesus.

As 2011 winds down, I was asked to review Eldredge’s latest novel, Beautiful Outlaw (Faithwords, 225 pages), I was actually at a point where seeing that Jesus (or meeting with him in Scripture and more often than not misconnecting) was becoming difficult, labored, without much desire. I wasn’t 20 pages into the book when Eldredge – talking about how essential it was to discover the personality of Jesus…undraped by what might be happening in church or Christianity or churchianity or, worse yet, through the religious haze of what characterized most of what, Scripturally, were the arenas in which most of Jesus’ most awesome heart-to-heart cage matches took place – put a deeper truth on the tip of the sword:

‘What is missing in our Gospel reading – and in our attempts to “read” what Jesus is saying and doing in our own lives right now, this week – is his personality, undraped by religion. Let’s see if we can find this.’

Eldredge, author of such bestselling books as The Sacred Romance (co-authored with Brent Curtis), Desire, Wild at Heart, Waking the Dead, and co-author with his wife, Stasi, of Captivating and Love & War, exhibits courage and boldness deftly blended with a fluid and winsome narrative early on. In the pages of his Introduction, he uncorks a fine bottle of context:
“We don’t need further speculation or debate. We need Jesus himself. And you can have him. Really. You can experience Jesus intimately. You were meant to. For despite the vandalizing of Jesus Christ by religion and the world, he is still alive and very much himself. Though nowadays it takes a bit of uncovering to know him as he is.”

And, sadly, perhaps the drapes measured by most churches to fit the windows looking onto the personality of Jesus miss such things as his playfulness, fierce intention, his human face, extravagant generosity, and disruptive honesty. “The man shoots straight,” Eldredge says in a chapter about the honesty of Jesus. “Sometimes he’s playful; sometimes he’s fierce; the next moment he’s generous. This is the beauty of his disruptive honesty – you can count on Jesus to tell you the truth in the best possible way for you to hear it.” (p. 71)

This is the Jesus many, including myself, have been searching for. I thought I met Jesus six years ago for the first time. Eldredge, with a joyful wit and razor sharp (yet perhaps accurate) sting to some of his projections on the church, invites the reader into the scandalous freedom with which Jesus – as fully God and fully man – lives, the cunning he has (…and, oh man, does he use it, especially against street gangs like the Pharisees…), how his heart overflows with humility, trueness, and beauty, and how loving Jesus – really loving him as he is and is meant to be – letting Jesus be himself with you and through the daily encounters can fill one’s life and be the powerful winds to clear away the “religious fog.”

And the reader is invited to know Jesus in a revolutionary way, and Eldredge’s writing – and the challenge behind the questions – does drive some stakes into ground: Why does false reverence replace loving Jesus? Does knowing about God substitute for knowing God? Why shouldn’t power displays be confused for intimacy with Jesus? Isn’t the stereotypical ‘Christian service’ really just a substitute for friendship with Christ? Does the church offer – or prevail – under a trivial morality? I found Eldredge’s style to be a courageous blend of unvarnished aim for the heart of his readers and the unmistakable revolutionary images of Jesus that have been covered over by so much religious coatings. As the chapters unfolded towards the Epilogue, Eldredge is wistful yet compelling: “I am groping for the words that will somehow move you to hold on to this. The train blows its whistle; the mother chokes up and the father clasps the last handshake ever so tightly, because they know what is at stake. My friends, so much is at stake.” (p. 211)
While others may aim low to find fault with a sense of Eldredge (or other authors) positing solutions for the church if only it would listen and take action, a majority of voices seem to be queuing up to say, ‘Hey, yeah, this is the Jesus I ache to know and am ready to meet.’ In a sense, it’s a Gospel that needs to be read.

In conjunction with the release of Beautiful Outlaw, Ransomed Heart Ministries (http://www.beautifuloutlaw.net/) is offering a free download of a companion 18-part video series for the book, along with a free participant guide for small group study. As Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson) impacted so many men for the battle, adventure, and beauty in pursuing the heart of Jesus, Beautiful Outlaw and Eldredge so brilliantly and bravely challenges that “…a true knowledge of Jesus is our greatest need and our greatest happiness.”

A Look Ahead to OUTLAWCast!

2011-09-02T12:54:00.009-04:00

I think about Colorado all the time...even today, walking home from the store in 90+ degree blazing heat, haze in my eyes, I was thinking about being accepted in the lottery for the upcoming Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp (Dec. 1 - 4, 2011 in Buena Vista, CO at gorgeous Frontier Ranch). More will be revealed...not even sure if it's my time to go again. My faith walk, especially this past year, has been tested like no other time since 2005 and Christ's capture of my heart and my sword. When John Eldredge and his awesome Ransomed Heart Ministry team took to the deeper sides of Wild at Heart last year, I came home with deep impact and much warfare against my heart ahead.

So I look forward to several events and invite all of the men reading this post to consider checking out John's live Webcast event. I'll be hosting a small gathering in Louisville, KY on Monday, November 14, 2011 from 7 until 9pm. Contact me at fontaine4christ@gmail.com for more information on attending if in the area.

Get ready for a review of Eldredge's latest book, Beautiful Outlaw. His Grace Amazing has requested an advance copy (publishing date mid-October), so come back for an insight into the playful, disruptive, and extravagant personality of Jesus.

Visit the Website at http://www.beautifuloutlaw.net/ for more up-to-date information on the book, John's live event tour behind it, and more resources. Don't forget you'll find all information about Ransomed Heart Ministry at http://www.ransomedheart.com

Come visit soon for information on how you can support my attending the Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp in December 2011.

The Pruning Season

2011-06-03T10:50:00.005-04:00

'He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.' (John 15:2 NIV)

I am not a gardener; I've never had experience growing something with vines and branches, much less anything that required cutting and pruning to keep healthy and productive. I am, though, painfully aware that in my life right now I am being pruned by God.

A good friend of mine gave me a Slinky yesterday, that inexplicable toy of joy from my childhood that doesn't require an owner's manual or parental help to use...I can just pick it up and get to the joy of what it produces. Part of the dynamics "behind the fun," obviously, is the tension that creates the motion of the Slinky in use...a part of me has to be aware of it in my hands and what I am doing with my hands in order to create the joy. So, what does a Slinky have to do with pruning? Well, to me, it seems as if I would have to know what I plan to do with the pruning shears in my hand before I begin to cut away at the vine and branches before me...otherwise, I may not get the results (fruitful growth) that I desire for the plants before me.

So, too, it must be with God and me right now. He knows exactly what He wants to prune in me. Me? I'm not too sure what's going on - a part of me is afraid of someone coming at me with God-sized pruning shears and aiming for places in me and my life I don't want to have cut away. Some of these branches are just gnarly, overgrown, hazardous to the health of the vine, etc. Plants obviously need (desire) light, air, soil, water, along with good nutrients and care to grow and prosper. If I am spending too much time in the dark, away from fresh air, have stopped tilling the soil of my heart, am parched and hungry for the goodness of God, His Word, and the amazing talents of His transformation in my life, well...it's no wonder that the branches - to some extent - have stopped becoming fruitful.

His shears are handled deftly, accurately, with grace, mercy and love...they are pruning away such dead branches as my love affairs with pot and pornography. He is cutting away at such toxic branches in me of laziness to work, arrogance, and deceit. Right now, it feels as if God is clipping away at some thick, twisted branches of loneliness and loss of desire that have wrapped themselves dangerously around the root of my heart that, unless taken away, have the potential to do some great damage. I believe God knows that His pruning hurts me. I also believe that He loves me enough to hurt me a little to help me a lot.

Part of why the pruning season hurts so much right now is that I don't want to see some of these branches go. Just as I could help the overall life, growth and productivity of any plant by doing the positive things to it, I can also help create the unfruitful branches, too, by feeding them what they need to grow. This doesn't help the plant (me)...and any good gardener (a Master one, of course) would immediately feel led to prune whatever must be cut in order to save the plant. No gardener wants to see any plant die, just as I believe that God does not want to see any one of His creation miss the opportunity to return to Him and His love. Sadly, some plants die because they were not pruned. Even more sad is the reality that some of us in this world may suffer because of the inability to allow God in.

As the pruning season continues, I experience both the pain of the cuts and the healing that comes from them. I experience in all of this the tension of watching/feeling those unhealthy parts of me being taken out of me by God for a greater purpose (growth...being fruitful) and somehow knowing that something amazing will be happening as new branches are given space to grow.

Sort of like putting the Slinky at the top of the staircase and watching it walk itself down one step at a time...the man in me stands next to the boy in me and marvels in wonder, 'How does it do that?'

Men's Work: Do I Have What It Takes?

2011-01-16T13:37:00.002-05:00

One question that I believe every man asks himself is, "Do I have what it takes?

If you are interested in men's work and what that answer looks like to you, please visit us at the ManKind Project of KY™ (http://www.kentucky.mkp.org/) or call 502.939.4333 for more information on local men's circles, men's initatory weekends, and more exciting connection for men seeking impact and breakthrough in their masculine journey.

Friend us (ManKind Project - Kentucky)or Fan us (New Warrior Training Adventure Weekend) on Facebook or Follow us on Twitter (@MKPKentucky).

Who's Your Poser? (A Self-Test for Men)

2010-08-15T18:16:00.003-04:00

In his book Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson), author John Eldredge gives us a glimpse at Adam, the first man.

Adam is hiding. 'I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.' (Gen. 3:10) Eldredge says, "You don't need a course in psychology to understand men...We are hiding, every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we are meant to be, desperately afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes...Most of what you encounter when you meet a man is a facade, an elaborate fig leaf, a brilliant disguise." (p. 52)

Here's your mission, a sort of self-test for men (if you choose to accept it)...

This may be one of the most courageous things you can do as a man - and one of the most life-changing: Ask a few people you know very well to give you some feedback about you as a man.

Part of the test you can take before asking the question. Ask yourself this: "What words would I use to describe myself as a man? Are words like strong, passionate or dangerous words you would use?

On your short list of people to ask should be a few men you respect - men who model something that inspires your heart to be a better man. Also, ask the woman in your life (if you have one) what she thinks. Ah, feel your heart beating just a tad faster now, huh?

Bottom line: The Poser in each of us as men, that brilliant disguise, that "fig leaf," is always in the way of the authentic masculinity that God hardwired into each of us. And just because you may not believe in God doesn't mean you don't have a "fig leaf." Conversely, just because you believe in God doesn't mean you can't be in Poser mode.

The job of The Poser is to take away something essential to the nature of being a man.

Ask honestly; listen honestly; score honestly. And I would love to know what words you hear.

I heard: "Careful...diligent...high concern how I'm seen by others (ouch!)...prideful (ouch!)...passionate...self-absorbed at times (ouch!)...extremely intelligent...persuasive...intense...strategic." The man I asked to give me the feedback was a man I trusted to tell me the truth.

And that's the greatest weapon to defeat The Poser in me...tell the truth!

For more information on the ManKind Project of KY, please visit us at http://www.mkpky.org/
For more information on John Eldredge, please visit http://www.ransomedheart.com/
His Grace Amazing™ is a Web log of its creator, Johnny Fontaine, and not affiliated with either the ManKind Project™ or Ransomed Heart™.

Checking In

2010-05-06T13:47:00.004-04:00

It's been a while; this I know. Most of the time in recent memory has been starkly resonant with the lack of God's voice. He is silent, quiet, still on His throne. "What is it that you are not saying?" This is the question I have fear to ask.

It seems late in life to be worried about being a better man, but that's exactly what my heart searches for. I want to be a better man. Sometimes I am - sometimes I am not. I know the difference. And sometimes I am afraid to get closer to Christ because He does not waver. How can I look upon anything that courageous for very long without feeling weak of heart?

And if I take a deep breath and a step back, I can see that the path He is leading me down has no map. It is His will to take me into the quiet places where the battles and the adventures come one after the other, where I feel out of breath and sometimes hope. God hasn't left my side for a moment - and that is a great comfort when I choose to go to war for the hearts of others.

I want to be a better man. That's something I can enjoy today as God blesses me with continued life. There are many opportunities for hope that surround me. I am not alone.

Father God...

Thank You for Your love and Your mercy. I need You to help me overcome. You are the strength I need to go on. Help me to become a better man. Amen.

An Adventure to Live - Are You Ready?

2010-01-29T05:50:00.002-05:00

You're probably feeling ready to make a change, shake things up, or continue your growth. The demands and pressures that men face today require an extraordinary level of courage, authenticity, and tenacity. You may be feeling like there is something missing in your life that could make the difference between surviving and thriving in a complex world. You might be ready to take a risk and see what life's like on the other side of the door you've come to. If you're ready to make a bold choice, that door can be thrown wide open. The ManKind Project® of KY (MKP KY) presents training for men called the New Warrior Training Adventure™ (NWTA). At the NWTA, you'll be challenged and supported to learn more about yourself in 48 hours than you've probably learned in the last 20 years. The next NWTA is to be held April 16-18, 2010 in Bedford, IN. Registration is now open and spots are limited. To register online go to www.mkpky.org or call 502.939.4333 for more information. Are you ready?

His Grace Amazing™ is a Web log of its creator, Johnny Fontaine, and not affiliated with the ManKind Project.

The Time Has Come

2010-01-13T10:07:00.005-05:00

"Father, the time has come."

Somehow these words of Jesus in the garden on the night before what has to be the worst Friday anyone has endured give me comfort. It is at this moment, as a man, he chooses to walk past his own fear and accept his mission.

Do you have a mission? Other words may apply: purpose, destiny, calling. As a man - and especially as a man in a world that has many of its own definitions of what a man should be - I find both fear and fierceness coarse through my blood as I think about my mission.

It is not easy being a man. If you doubt that assumption, take a look around your own life as a man - and take a look at the men who surround you...in your family, in your career, in your neighborhood or even in your place of worship. What's the message(s) you receive from these men?

Most men, in my opinion, are probably feeling ready to make a change, shake things up, or continue to grow in ways that speak to living out a purpose, a destiny, a calling - a mission.

The demands and pressures that men face today require an extraordinary level of courage, authenticity, and tenacity. Many men, like myself, find this model of masculinity in the life of Christ. It is something that God, the Creator, has hardwired into each of us as men. Unfortunately, many men seek their masculinity through the consequences of pressure: addiction, sexual or otherwise, money, work, or an anger that could either be internalized or externalized.

You may be feeling like there is something missing in your life that could make the difference between surviving and thriving in a complex world. You might be ready to take a risk and see what life's like on the other side of the door you've come to.

Author John Eldredge (Wild at Heart) says, "The real life of the average man seems a universe away from the desires of his heart." From a faithful place in my heart, I can offer an invitation to other men of a bold choice: Throw the door wide open!

The ManKind Project® of Kentucky (MKP KY) presents a training for men called The New Warrior Training Adventure™ (NWTA), a 3-day experiential adventure designed to bring men deeper into their hearts and into a life of deeper connection to accountability, integrity, and mission. At the NWTA, you'll be challenged and supported to learn more about yourself in 48 hours than you've probably learned in the last 20 years.

In Kentucky, our next NWTA will be held April 16 - 18, 2010 in Bedford, IN. For more information, visit www.mkp.org and discover more about a circle of men who will support you in walking through the door. A new mission - a new life - is on the other side.

You have what it takes. The time has come...

For more information on the ManKind Project of KY, please visit us at www.mkpky.org

For more information on John Eldredge, please visit www.ransomedheart.com

His Grace Amazing™ is a Web log of its creator, Johnny Fontaine, and not affiliated with either the ManKind Project or Ransomed Heart.

Liverpool Rain (A Tribute to Lennon)

2009-12-08T12:33:00.005-05:00

It had been a long Monday in early December of 1980, my freshman year at Manhattanville College in New York. After a full day of classes and a nighttime slot as disc jockey for the campus AM radio station, I hit the showers and returned to my dorm room intent on watching the end of the Dolphins/Patriots game on Monday Night Football. As I dried off my hair, I was stunned to hear announcer Howard Cosell digress from the on-field activity:

“This is just a football game. An unspeakable tragedy, confirmed to us by ABC News in New York City. John Lennon, outside of his apartment building on the West Side of New York…shot twice in the back, rushed to Roosevelt Hospital…dead on arrival.”

Within seconds, I began to hear the sounds of female co-eds up and down our wing of Spellman Hall crying out in horror, an unnerving echo of grief that shivered my bare skin. What the fuck? As my eyes filled with tears, I took some weak-kneed steps towards my bed. Sitting down, I swallowed the news and made it my own: John was gone. The dream was over. As a child born in 1962, I reached the age of two and they invaded. It was all over after that. My oldest brother, Mickey, was in a rock band as I grew up a small boy idolizing how cool he was. The Beatles, and John, were his heroes – and, so, they became mine. He once met George Harrison. I would listen to the old Capitol LP’s him and my oldest sister, Nancy, owned; sometimes it would come down to crying, screaming, and kicking up a storm to get to borrow them for an hour or two. At night, I would fall to sleep with a small transistor radio under my pillow, locked on to the hot AM stations of New York City, my heart leaping back awake whenever a Beatles song would burst through the speaker.

In April of 1970, my mother bought me my first record, a copy of Paul McCartney’s first solo album, McCartney. A few weeks earlier I had been visiting our family dentist, who liked to listen to the radio as he did work. He was talking to his assistant, and I looked up to see his eyes above the line of his dental mask – they were getting wet and glistening. He stopped drilling for a few moments, and I was afraid, asking him what was wrong. There was Beatles music coming from the office radio, and he said, “They’re breaking up.” He shook his head. “They just announced The Beatles are breaking up.” I had never seen my father cry, and Dr. Brittan was the first man I’d ever witnessed, up close, come to tears. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

So, for the next decade, I stood on the sidelines and held my breath: when would they come together? As I sat on the edge of my bed at Manhattanville College on December 8, 1980, I let the breath go and wept. The sobs of grief were soon interrupted by a knocking on my door. Several young women stood out in the hall, wanting to come in and listen to my Beatles albums. For the night my room was open, the music played, and we cried and sang and lost the dream together.

I still miss you, mate.

Temporal Weakness, Eternal Strength

2009-11-11T10:34:00.004-05:00

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…”

In reading Paul’s words from his Second Letter to the Corinthians (4:7-9 NASB), I imagine him thinking, ‘Life is hard, but I will not lose heart.’ Yet, in such temporal weakness, Paul discovered an eternal strength: the power of God the Creator is endless, while the fleeting power of “…the god of this world…” (4:3 NASB) – Satan – ultimately blinds many to the truth of the gospel.

And life is hard. Allow me to share some of my own thoughts recently penned:

“I’m not even sure where to begin to pray – or for what. The loneliness kills me; the poverty crushes me into dust. I look over my shoulder and see the wake of a wasted life. I look ahead of me and see nothing. The constant nothing of the now has become unbearable.” (Nov. 7, 2009, JOURNAL FORTY: Ransomed Heart – A Battle to Fight, p. 163)

A mere 24 hours ago I felt an increasing terror of hopelessness, the confusion of trying to figure a way out of a life seemingly crushed, despaired, forsaken, and destroyed. Through the words of John Piper in a small book called When the Darkness Will Not Lift (2006, Crossway Books), I was guided to the fourth chapter of 2 Corinthians. Weeping tears of joy, I realized my weakness is essential to God – and like this earthen vessel my body now lives in such weakness is temporal. God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love – foundations for His power – are eternal. But they must be sought, desired, and accepted.

Most of my life I’ve been searching for a cure from afflictions, as if Frodo Baggins of the Shire carrying the One Ring but without the hope of reaching Mordor to cast away such evil and complete my journey. And the closer I’ve drawn to God over the past four years, the more vicious the assaults on my heart have become. Life is hard – and the “god of this world” wouldn’t have it any other way: all of the pleasure is the other side of the coin to so much pain. Paul tells us “…as we received mercy, we do not lose heart, but we have renounced the things hidden because of shame, not walking in craftiness or adulterating the word of God, but by the manifestation of truth…” (4:1-2 NASB). The mercies of God are eternal – and the heart is not to be lost.

I’ve been on a sojourn for my heart of late. In his book Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson, Inc.), John Eldredge symbolizes such travels in comparison to Christ’s wilderness trial, “a test of his identity…If a man is ever to find out who he is and what he’s here for, he has got to take that journey for himself. He has got to get his heart back.” (p. 6) I lost my heart in the maze of “things hidden because of shame,” and there is no amount of walking in craftiness or cheating God’s call that will lead me to the truth. In the wilderness, Satan tried to defeat Jesus through his weaknesses. Christ’s only hope was to remind the Accuser of God’s power.

“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” (2 Cor 4:3-4 NASB)

To be perishing and blind is, in the eyes of Paul, to be dying and in darkness. I think again of poor Frodo, on the steppes of Mount Doom where he can’t even remember with Samwise Gamgee’s help the greens of the Shire or the taste of strawberries and cream, feeling only “naked and alone in the dark.” Paul, as Saul, knew something about blindness and unbelieving – until he experienced, firsthand, the transforming power of the gospel of Christ. I believe we all have been on the road to Damascus, destined for a street called Straight.

Therefore, the invitation is to welcome the affliction, perplexity, persecution, and strike downs of self. One of the most courageous paths a man can seek and choose, in my humble judgment, is to die to self and live for God. Paul exhorts us: “But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, ‘I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE,’ we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.” (2 Cor 4:13-14 NASB)

My brothers, do not lose heart! The battle for faith is real – to which side does your allegiance belong? Life is hard, even for the faithful in Christ. Would you choose temporal pleasures over eternal life? In his final words at the end of Chapter 4, Paul clearly lays out a path: “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Cor 4:16-18 NASB)

Salvation is of God, not of me. There is nothing I can do or say or think to merit what was done by Jesus on the Cross – for me, for you, for mankind. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 NASB) A choice is to be made: temporal or eternal? Choose wisely – but choose. The most important truth is the easiest to forget: Jesus Christ died so that sinners would be reconciled to God and forgiven by God. My prayers for those reading this who do not have a reconciled relationship with God would be that your next steps lead you onto the path of eternal strength and away from temporal weakness.

More on JOHN PIPER is available at: http://www.desiringgod.org/
More on JOHN ELDREDGE is available at: http://www.ransomedheart.com/

The ManKind Project of KY presents The New Warrior Training Adventure

2009-08-10T12:12:00.006-04:00

The ManKind Project™ of KY (http://www.mkpky.org/) will be hosting The New Warrior Training Adventure™ (NWTA) on October 23-25, 2009 in Bedford, IN. Please enjoy the short promo video above (just click on the Play button).

For more information on MKP KY and men's work events you can attend (free of charge) locally prior to the NWTA, please contact Johnny Fontaine at (502) 712-1972 or at fontaine4christ@gmail.com for details.

Note: The above information is being forwarded as a service to the readers of this blog, His Grace Amazing™. The ManKind Project of KY™ or The ManKind Project™ is not formally affiliated with His Grace Amazing™ or any religion.

The ManKind Project of KY

2009-07-31T18:28:00.006-04:00

Come join The ManKind Project® of KY for an Intro to Men's Work gathering the first Thursday of each month from 7:00 to 8:30pm.

Join us in exploring the realm of what it means to be a man. This free monthly event includes an exploration of the King, Lover, Magician, and Warrior archetype energies in all men and introduces the New Warrior Training Adventure®, a weekend retreat for men.

You are welcome to join us at 1728 Mellwood Avenue in Louisville, KY. For more information on MKP KY, please visit us on the Web at:

http://www.mkpky.org/

His Love, My Heart

2009-07-18T01:58:00.004-04:00

His love for me is pure, more forgiving than I've ever been towards anyone who has wounded me.

There are many ways, and many days, I fall short of the man He wants me to be...when I buy into the lie that I'm unable to love someone just because they don't love me.

His love is revolutionary. It knocks on the door of my heart when:

I think my pastor is an asshat.
when I choose porn over the Bible.
stuffing my belly is more important than prayer.
it's all about me and never about Him.
the seasons of selfishness never change.
I judge and judge those judging me.

When I look into the mirror, what I really don't want to see is my reflection in the cross. I don't want to see how much He loves me, how deeply He's ransomed my heart with His life, how He has replaced a heart of stone with a good heart.

He bore stripes for me. And when my heart cares about someone or something else, I can see a shadow of His deeper wounds on my flesh. And He knocks on the door of my heart, the heart He has redeemed. 'Is there room at the inn for me?'

There are many days, and many ways, I don't want to look at Him or look for Him. I'd rather say something cool on Facebook or wonder when the next e-mail will arrive. I'd much prefer resentment over forgiveness. I'll hide in the middle of life and throw stones when I think no one is looking. And I'll be afraid -- scared of being the man He created me to be.

Far too few are the days when I intentionally go out to walk with Him. I wake up whenever it pleases me. I can ignore suffering and call it surviving. Man, I'd rather be me than you. Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a man when I look at the men I know. Most of the time, because I'm afraid to look at Him, I'll look at the men I know and tell myself they are so much better than me. Or I'll hate them. Or I'll ignore them. He still takes time to knock on the door of my heart...

I don't tell enough people I love Him. I assume my singleness is seen as loneliness. He is the best friend I've ever had. His love for me is embarrassing in its depth, its intimacy, its strength, its endurance. There are many ways, and many days, I've heard His knocking on the door of my heart and turned away, pretended not to hear, turned up the music of my life and waited for Him to go away.

If I'm right, He loved me enough to die for me. If I'm wrong, He loved me enough to die for me. That will always make Him a better man than me. Sometimes I want to open the door and invite Him in, hoping He would stay, stay and not go, stay forever.

Because He loves me, He is knocking.

Who's On Your List?

2009-07-02T20:14:00.003-04:00

This list is nearly 28 years old, and will mean absolutely nothing to you. But what memories it holds:

"Returning to NYC, the first day, Mark, P.J., kamakazi, Dom, Linda, Paige's party, Animal House, Sue, Danny, Tuborg™, Asteroids™, Teddy, WMVL Radio 630 AM, Pao, Hanz, Scott, Brian Kenny, going to The Apple, Julian, getting closer with Fox Chase, Karen Tracy, the Halloween Party, Dave Seaman, Mark Seaman, Rosie, Gonzo, Pablo, the Snow, Langley, Greyhound™, John Lennon, Katie, Kay Nickens, Fernando, the Low Life Party, Tracy, meeting Mark Chibbaro, Jerry, the Valentine's dance, Vitamin F, Fort Lee, Miriam, the Laundry Room, cruising in The Lincoln, Gla, Theresa, Coop, One Eye, Billy Franz, Mikey, the TR-7, Mt. St. Mary's, the Pre-Med Office, the ABSCAM phone, Betty Buckley, Cara, surfing, Chibbaro's party, the Formal, the Toga Party, numerous acts of drunken depravity...and knowing that whatever I did, I would have to enjoy it, for life isn't for playing it safe." (From Journal Three - Redemption: August 13, 1981, pp. 87-88).

As I continue to harvest my 29 year discipline of journal keeping (author John Eldredge says that "Journals chronicle journeys"), I was amazed that God gave me such a memory gift this evening. So, why share it with you?

Who's on your list?

Memory, I believe, is a powerful force that God can, and will, use to teach those who follow Him important lessons. Funny, when I read Scripture I see countless examples of people of God with "short memories." I can relate! How many times has God shown me something about myself -- only for me to forget the memory of what He revealed and find myself dealing with the same emotion or circumstance or consequence once again? Frustrating, yes...but that doesn't make me hopeless. Actually, finding this "list" tonight in an old journal made me beam with hope -- the hope that God is actually as present today as He was in my yesterday and will be in my tomorrow.

O God, the memories my list evokes:

Returning home, starting a new life, new beginnings, a freshman in college, a best friend, a crush on a sophomore beauty, a potent drink, a dorm RA who offered me beer and pot, learning how to flirt, making friends that would last years, being a DJ on the radio, rugby, a friend who has since died, stolen kisses, real East Coast snow, philosophy, traveling by bus, the death of John Lennon, roommates, cousins, falling in love with a girl and her sports car, the campus bar, cruising with a good friend, all the booze and dope a young man could consume, forming a fraternity on a campus that didn't have any, rebellion, love, and making classes in between it all.

Sin? Oh, for sure. Fun? Oh, fuggedaboutit...

For me, it reminds me what a knucklehead I was in my youth -- and still am. It shows me how forgiving God has been to me, and how that models the forgiveness I should bestow to others in my life. It also shows me how far I've come, and how, in a way, I've lost an aliveness in my heart that, apart from sin, has been crushed to death by the "should" and "ought to" that life piles onto The List -- you know, the one that I'm supposed to live by, even as a Christian.

I know not all of you journal (or, for the feminine, keep diaries). But in the still of tonight, give yourself -- and your heart -- permission to pull up a list that you've thought was long forgotten. As I was reading the one I started this entry with, the memories were still fresh, vibrant, and alive...28 years later!! The people were there, the moments frozen in the times of my heart, not aging, not good nor bad nor ugly...just what they were...life. My life, the life that God has redeemed, and the heart that He has ransomed.

Yes, it's true...I've been a bad, bad boy. And, in some ways, a terrible man. But God has a plan and a purpose for all of us, even me. And I believe He led me to that list this very night for part of that plan and a part of that purpose. Yes, Lord, I remember. Yes, God, I can laugh. And, yes, Father, I want more of what it brought up in my heart...a desire to be a man alive!!

Like Father, Like Son?

2009-06-17T19:38:00.004-04:00

In less than a month, I'll turn 47. Now, no big deal...I've had touches of gray hair showing up for years, and a recent geographical survey has shown a bit of a belly. All this is true, and Brad Pitt I'm not. Though as I continue to journey with a Band of Brothers through Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), I find a point early on in the book that my masculine journey affirms:

"A man has to know where he comes from, and what he's made of."

And, so, this has been leading me towards memories of my father, Michael. My father died in 1996, at the age of 75. As I spend time with God as He now initiates me into manhood (yes, initiation is not just for the young men of the tribe), I find myself asking, "Am I my father's son?"

I've had many jobs over the course of my lifetime. I'm not a careerist. My father worked hard in two different professions: for over a quarter century he was a bus driver in New York City, and for over a decade he worked for the United States Postal Service. I will never work as hard as my father did. But my father never invited me - or showed me, really - how to live from a deep, masculine heart.

For many, many years I was haunted by this statement: I don't want to be my father. Now, in the wake of being adopted into a relationship with God, I have to ask myself, "Aren't some of the ways I treat people just the same as he did?"

I've begun to look back at who my father was emotionally. He always seemed distant, vacant, a bit empty. But when he did appear emotionally, it always seemed skewed towards anger. As a child, I was scared of his temper: it was loud, threatening, and intimidating. In retrospect, I could also see how he handled troubles and adversity: he would grow silent.

I'm not sure what battles my father wanted to fight, or what adventures he wanted to live out, or how he felt about his beauty, his wife. I can recall him sharing stories about his youth, or being in the War, or about getting married, but they were vague, as if he didn't want to fill in the blanks or just didn't have much to say about them.

If I were to choose 10 words to describe him as a man, they would be: Angry, Quiet, Detached, Jealous, Provider, Unforgiving, Distant, Unloving, Mean, Absent. Not exactly a kind portrait painted in hindsight, but I can also ask, "If these descriptions are true, which can I use to describe me?"

At various points in my own life, I saw the legacy I inherited: the ability to detach, the times of being emotionally paralyzed, and a capacity towards anger. Like father, like son?

God, in His infinite wisdom, grace, mercy, and love, continues to show me how His fathering and the fathering of Michael all play into the same endgame. What I wanted I couldn't have. What I couldn't imagine wanting is now mine. Such a paradox, but also such a powerful reminder that I am my father's son...and that I am my Father's son.

Johnny Fontaine: A to Z

2009-05-29T21:04:00.004-04:00

As I woke up from my second nap of the day, I began to consider the twilight and my heart. Who am I, Lord?

I have to admit: This is an incomplete list.

But, taking stock, it's me…A to Z!

A: Authentic. Good, bad, or ugly…what you see is what you get.

B: Bold. Hey, wait a minute…Bold! That's better.
C: Courageous. I'm beginning to understand why I feel fear so much in my life – it's because of how much courage is at stake.
D: Dedicated. There's a part of me that won't quit. Maybe it's my heart. Maybe it's all of me.
E: Emotional. I love joy, anger, sadness, fear, and shame. If you can't show any/all of them, I can't trust you.
F: Fierce. That's why I love tigers. Who's gonna f*#k with a tiger?
G: God-loving. More and more, and not perfectly.
H: Honorable. The more I live, the more I understand how important this part of me really is.
I: Integrity. Much the same, the more I live, the more I see how vital it is to be as close to this in all things as possible.
J: Journal-keeper. For 29 years, I've been disciplined enough to keep track of who I am. And I'm not afraid if you read it all.
K: Kind. Underneath the New York City veneer that won't wash off and the Lone Ranger mask, I'm a softy. Don't tell anyone.
L: Loyal. If I'm on your side, I'm not going anywhere.
M: Masculine. I am a man made in the image of God. I let the weight of that be what it is. Deal with it.
N: Naked. This is how I feel sometimes, like Frodo at the end of the line – naked and in the dark.
O: Obstinate. Sometimes my head is harder than concrete, but sometimes it serves me – and the purpose – really well.
P: Passionate.
There is definitely a fire in the belly.
Q: Qualified. I spend as much time running from this word as any of the others.
R: Romantic. I love a good love story, whether I'm in it or not.
S: Strong. There is a sense of surviving.
T: Tactical. I can read the room with the best of them. I know the way in – and the way out.
U: Unwavering. I believe in what I believe in – not what you believe in. They may be the same thing.
V: Victorious. In Christ and His redemption – when all else fails, that is the truth.
W: Warrior. Head, heart, and balls.
X: XXX. There are times I'm raw, uncensored, and crude – sometimes at the most unexpected moments.
Y: Yearning. There is a place in my heart that always is alive to seek more.
Z: Zealous. OK, I had to look up "Z" in the Thesaurus just to make sure I had something—and I do!

Some of this may help you understand me -- some of it won't. Maybe they're just words or labels -- and sewn together, maybe they make up a coat of many fantastic, true colors!

Wild at Heart (PART 7: Healing the Wound)

2009-05-29T00:23:00.001-04:00

Way back at the end of January (which, in one perspective, is a lifetime ago), I was in the process of breaking down, chapter by chapter, the book Wild at Heart by author John Eldredge (www.RansomedHeart.com). Today, I return to that path, with a beginning look into that chapter. And, being the heart artist I am, you'll now begin to read small, interweaving vignettes about my past lodged into the remaining breakdowns. Some of my more recent blogs, pertaining to church controversy, no longer serve me. I've chosen forgiveness instead of bitterness – I'm worth one and worthless in the other.

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The Source of Real Strength

"Guys are unanimously embarrassed by their emptiness and woundedness," Eldredge says; "it is for most of us a treacherous source of shame…" (Wild at Heart: 2001, Thomas Nelson, Inc., p.121)
Empty? Wounded? Ashamed? Culture and the world would certainly tell me a different story. After all, am I not my resume, my job, the amount of money I have in the bank, the thickness of my wallet, the length of my penis, the size of my house, the make and model of my car, the designer label on my clothes, the beauty and hotness of my wife, the cuteness of my kids, the amount of toys I own, the bulge of my muscles, the roar of my anger, etc. etc. etc.? "We are made to depend on God; we are made for union with Him and nothing about us works right without it," Eldredge submits. (p. 121)

Hopefully, you've read Wild at Heart. If not, I invite you, Christian man or not, pastor or homeless bum, theologian or addict, to give it a read. As my mentor and I begin to examine whether our mentorship relationship can find common ground in John's message and ministry (and, by this, I mean the tension that exists in men who are discovering and recovering their authentic masculinity vs. those who really haven't been introduced to theirs yet – and by the lack of something deeper in the men of the church instead of the "nice boy, dutiful servant" ethic that has for so long been spoon fed along with the Gospel), I continue on with this personal examination of what happens to me when I choose to face The Wound. Common sense would tell me that if I receive a wound, I would also like to receive healing. And the Enemy, in collusion with the world and my flesh, certainly don't want me to receive proper attention towards healing any wound I've received.

"This is where," Eldredge notes, "our sin and our culture have come together to keep us in bondage and brokenness, to prevent the healing of our wound. Our sin is that stubborn part inside that wants, above all else, to be independent. There's a part of us fiercely committed to living in a way where we do not have to depend on anyone—especially God." (p.121)

Of course, I agree, that most churches aren't missing the mark when they tell me that I need Jesus and His Gospel. But where am I getting the message from other men in my life, in church or outside of it, that tells me, deeply in my heart, that needing any kind of healing, from anyone or anything, is really a sign of weakness in my masculinity?

"Why is this important?" Eldredge asks. "Because so many men I know live with a deep misunderstanding of Christianity. They look at it as a "second chance" to get their act together. They've been forgiven, now they see it as their job to get with the program. They're trying to finish the marathon with a broken leg." (p. 122)

Jesus wasn't out there selling that kind of subscription, although, sadly enough, there are still millions of Christians buying into it.

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I was recently with several other men who were continuing on with me in the Band of Brothers that grew out of a 9-week book study of Wild at Heart earlier in the year. One of them, a younger man, was happy to hear that I was beginning a job search after not having worked for the past year.

"You need to work, Johnny," he said with this smile of both wisdom and truth. I asked him to explain his remark, and, obviously, he touched on his own life experiences of learning to work from an early age, how it helped him stay busy and out of trouble, and for the productiveness it gives to his esteem as a man.

"Exactly," I shared with him in return. "This is a way my own father really missed the mark with me." I told my friend how, even though my father was a hard working man all his life and a provider for his wife and children, he had missed a great opportunity to initiate me into a healthy and authentic masculinity by teaching me the importance of such a personal lesson of responsibility.

Jesus, you see, knew all of this…

"I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He does." (John 5:19-20)

Now – no, I really mean now – that's the kind of Father I need…and am grateful that I have, loving me, teaching me, showing me, initiating me, and inviting me into the places of healing that He brings to my wounds.

"You'll recall," Eldredge reminds his readers, "that masculinity is an essence that is passed from father to son. That is a picture, as so many things in life are, of a deeper reality. The true essence of strength is passed to us from God through our union with Him." (p. 122)

As men, the world drills it into us from the crib…anything less than whole is broken, and anything broken in a man is a source of shame. The church does the best it can, but it, too, falls short, heaping the shame of sin upon a sinner who, if he is really one with Christ, has already been forgiven. But the broken man will always be ashamed of what needs healing. So I have a question for the church: Why, if I'm forgiven, and my heart is ransomed and redeemed, should I or do I have to walk around with my wounds unhealed? In the strength of Jesus I am made whole…but is a whole man a dangerous man?

More likely than not, my wounds are not my fault.

"It is no shame that you need healing," Eldredge tells us; "it is no shame to look to another for strength; it is no shame that you feel young and afraid inside. It's not your fault." (p. 125)

Part of my personal struggle in living out the ministry God has called me to lies in understanding the simple reality that most men are afraid to admit they are wounded. They are childlike in their ignorance, macho in their denial. Calling out The Wound is of utmost importance…and, as we'll see in further posts here, God is not going to leave me hanging – or alone – in my journey into The Wound.

*For more information on entering The Wound through the strength and honor of men's work, visit The ManKind Project™ online at: www.mkp.org For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries, visit them online at: www.RansomedHeart.com

Velvet Lisa

2009-05-27T10:33:00.003-04:00

The dream was unusual – not for any differences in color, imagination, weirdness. All dreams, if I think about it, are magical, mysteries, miraculous as to how they play out from my mind.

And there she was…Lisa. Same golden hair, same beautiful smile. The last time I had seen her was in 2004, when she was being given an award by the Mayor for an art poster she had designed for a major local festival. Before that, it was probably five or six years gone by since she had broken my heart.

In the dream, she kissed me. It tasted much the same as I remember it in real life, something like honey but with an unknown spice to it.

When I awoke, I said aloud, "God, what is she doing here?" And then the memory – the memory that I cannot separate from her – came knocking on the door of my heart.

Velvet Lisa…

1997. We had been dating for a while. I was at work in a downtown arts office; she was coming to join me for dinner and a night at the theatre to see actress Faye Dunaway in Master Class. She walked into my workplace, this ethereal vision in a short, burgundy red velvet dress, dark stockings, and these awesome ankle-high black boots.

She asked me a silly question as two people in love often do. I don't remember, to this day, what the question was. I remember my answer: "It's a secret." Lisa stood there in her red velvet dress and smiled.

"I've got a secret, too," she said. She walked up to me, wrapped her arms around my neck, and moved her lips onto my ear. I could hear her heart beating in her breath, the silence swirling with possibilities, and my body numb with goofiness. "I'm in love with you."

As I walked down the city streets with this goddess in a red velvet dress, I knew the moment was one for a dream. Dinner was romantic. We couldn't keep our hands off each other in the theatre. I'm pretty sure we said the word marriage that evening in between public kisses and long looks.

I never saw her in that velvet dress again.

And this morning, reintroduced to a memory that won't disappear from a corner of my heart, I realize that it wasn't about the secret of being in love, or the nectar of a kiss, or a red velvet vision of beauty.

The memory, the dream, is a small piece of colored glass in the mosaic of who God created me to be…a man whose heart can, and will, be broken, but whose heart doesn't belong to anyone but Him. One day, in eternity, I will be shown the entire creation of His mosaic of my life.

I will be breathless, in love, and my eyes will see it all…including the one piece of glass in countless millions, the one that speaks the name of her.

Wild at Heart Boot Camp - As Iron Sharpens Iron...

2009-05-12T13:35:00.149-04:00

WARNING: The following blog entry is being written from the heart of an authentic masculine warrior for Christ. Adult themes, inferred language, and challenges are ahead!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

The Prologue

It has been over a week since I attended the Wild at Heart Boot Camp™ at the Crooked Creek Ranch located in Fraser, CO. This gathering of men is an invitation by author John Eldredge and his Ransomed Heart Ministries team to unpack his powerful book, Wild at Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.).

My journey to Boot Camp began back in September 2008 when God first put this book into my hands. It had a deep and resonating impact upon my life and my walk with both Christ and an unfolding Mission to battle for the hearts of men -- mine included.

In January of this year, I entered the lottery for the Boot Camp. John and the Ransomed Heart team have been offering these experiential weekends for years, and the demand from men around the world has been steadily growing to come out to the Rockies to experience God in life-changing ways. Fortunately, through His grace, I was selected to have a spot in the March 2009 Boot Camp. In the end, I was one of 452 men from around the world who came to Colorado...men from almost every state in our union, as well as other corners of the globe -- Italy, Germany, England, Australia, Switzerland, Spain, South America, and other corners of God's creation.

Airborne

The airplane ride out to Colorado was an adventure -- I felt like a little boy once again at the age of 46! It was the first time in 28 years that I was on an airplane -- obviously, things have changed. I had booked a window seat for every leg of the journey, so I thrilled to the take offs and the landings, and loved looking out my small window on such a glorious sight as flying above the clouds, like on the wings of eagles! I arrived at Denver International Airport on Thursday morning, with several hours to go before the shuttle buses would take men on the 2.5 hour journey west to Crooked Creek Ranch. I remember the joy of finding my luggage had arrived at DIA and then feeling an intense fear creep over me: "Now what are you going to do?" I slipped Satan a silent "Forget you very much" and pulled my copy of Wild at Heart from my backpack. I had an idea...

The Gathering

Almost instantly when I approached the inside waiting area at the terminal, I spotted a man sitting on one of the waiting benches, reading a copy of Wild at Heart. I walked up to him, my copy in hand, and held it out. He looked up and smiled at me; I returned his gesture, and so met Tom from Texas. I stretched out my duffel bag luggage in front of me and laid my copy of the book on top. It became a dude magnet, a beacon for men in the fog of airport life! Men started to gather -- and this spot was one of several going on in the terminal waiting area.

After nearly two hours, the gathering joined forces...hundreds of men were standing about, introducing themselves to each other, talking about Wild at Heart, sharing experiences about how they found John's book, and what they were looking forward to from God in the journey ahead. At one point, these two young college-aged young women approached me and asked, "What are all you guys doing here?" She was an activist for Amnesty International, so for the next few minutes I shared the story of Ransomed Heart Ministries with her and why we had all gathered together for the Boot Camp. She was young, very beautiful, wide eyed, and amazed that such a book existed for men.

This Seat's Taken (Not)...

Remember that scene from the movie Forest Gump, where Forest is going off to Boot Camp and gets on the bus? "You can't sit here! This seat's taken..." Well, we had no drill sergeant -- but we did have 3 full tour bus loads of men going off to war! Men from different walks of life offered up the seat next to them to another stranger, and just like in a foxhole before the war gets going, there was nothing to do but tell stories. I sat next to a young man from Ohio named Nick. His story is his to tell, but it was incredible to hear how God was working in his life -- and how deeply John's book and the message that it gives to men had impacted him. Our journey from the airport, past Denver, and out into the Continental Divide was one of connection and truth. We sat in awe as God unfolded the majesty of His creation before us as we closed in on Fraser and Crooked Creek Ranch.

No Turning Back

As the journey neared its destination, I kept noticing the elevation signs on the road: 7,000 feet...8,000...one read over 9,000. The switchback roads leading into Fraser were incredible serpentine curves that plugged my ears with pressure and see-sawed my stomach with more fear. "Who do you think you are?" the voice kept saying. "Fake. City boy thinks he's Jeremiah 'effin Johnson. No turning back now." Even though it almost made me sick, I closed my eyes and pictured the Christ of the Cross standing over Lucifer, grinding his sandal on the neck of the fallen angel, the Enemy of God crying out in pain, begging it to stop. "Yes," I pictured myself saying, looking at the Lord thoroughly enjoying this moment of inflicting pain and suffering, "I know. There is no turning back now."

Crooked Creek Ranch, a Young Life™ property, is an amazing and absolutely beautiful facility. It is literally dropped into Fraser Valley, at a height over 9,000 feet in elevation, surrounded by the grandeur and majesty of the Colorado Rockies. It was an overcast afternoon when we arrived on Thursday; snow from a recent blizzard was still on the ground. The men were unloaded from the shuttle buses and others, who had driven in on their own, gathered with us in the Bear Claw Lodge building for registration.

Prior to arriving at Boot Camp, I had led a 9-week book study of Wild at Heart for myself and seven other men in Louisville. John and his Ransomed Heart Ministry Team -- consisting of Craig McConnell, Bart Hansen, Morgan Snyder, and Gary Barkalow (who has since started his own ministry outreach, The Calling) -- were a part of the DVD series that I used in the study facilitation. As I stood on line to get my rooming assignment and registration packet, I saw Bart Hansen over to the side of Bear Claw. As I left my place in line after getting my materials, I went up to him and introduced myself, letting him know how much his and the other men in John's Band of Brothers had helped me in the book study.

Bart was so gracious, focusing on me as I stood talking with him, listening to my story of my own Band of Brothers. And standing next to me I felt God's gentle presence, like His gentle voice in my heart was saying, "Johnny, your blessing this man is important to Me...and to him. Thank you!" I went off to find my lodging with a smile on my heart, but somewhere deep in the back of my mind I could still hear the Enemy whining, spiteful and jealous. "Big 'effin deal. Bart Hansen. No one gives a flip about you. All these guys here are friends. You're the outsider. Go hide!" I looked at the logistical map given to me -- I was to lodge in Timberwolf.

The Lodge

The lodge facilities at Crooked Creek are bunk style, six bunks to a lodge room. All of the architecture is built with these incredibly strong and sturdy pine logs, gorgeously attired, so clean and inviting. Most of the men in my lodging area of Timberwolf were from the same region of the US...another man from Louisville, KY; several from different parts of the state, others from neighboring states. We unpacked our gear -- and I was fortunate enough to be graced with a bottom bunk. In February of this year, I had left a homeless shelter here in Louisville, where I had spent months living in a "dorm" facility with many bunk beds. The Enemy didn't skip a beat. "Nice digs," Satan mused. "Haven't come that far from the 'effin shelter, have we? Hell," he laughed, "you didn't even pay your own way out here. Had to beg for help, didn't you? Thought it was grace that foot the bill? What an 'effin loser! Go ahead, see what I put into the luggage. Go ahead, unpack it all."

I went back to Bear Claw Lodge, awaiting dinner in a while at Bull Moose Lodge, the ranch dining hall. Grabbing a cup of coffee, I sat in the lodge area -- and looked to my left. Morgan Snyder, from the Ransomed Heart team, was sitting next to me having a conversation with another man. "You want his autograph, too?" the Enemy chided. I took a breath and began to pray, thanking God for His grace and mercy in calling me out to Boot Camp, for His provision and blessing for covering all my expenses, and for the use of me in bringing the Wild at Heart message to the men I knew back in Louisville.

When Morgan was done with his conversation, I introduced myself and blessed him for his role in the DVD series. Once more, I was struck at how intent he was on focusing into the conversation and how graciously he bestowed thanks and blessings upon me for being impacted by his part in the Ransomed Heart ministry. When we finished talking, Morgan offered me a hug, welcoming me to Boot Camp and affirming the journey I had taken with my Band of Brothers. A part of me wanted to run, while a totally different part of me needed and wanted such affirmation. Little did I realize that the stage was being set for God's walk with me over the entire 4 days...

The Bull Moose Lodge - Men Are Hungry!!

How do you feed 452 hungry men? With the absolutely military precision staff of the Crooked Creek Ranch's dining hall, the Bull Moose Lodge! Most of the wait staff are young teens in for the weekend on a volunteer basis. And with a hall full of hungry men, this group wasted no time in bringing out everything. All meals (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) were served family-style, with each table getting everything they needed. Throughout the entire Boot Camp experience, I never witnessed a lack of service from these young men and women. They were outstanding!! The food at Crooked Creek was awesome, delicious, well balanced and buoyed by the amazing attention given to us at every meal.

Each time I went into the dining hall, I ended up sitting with a different group of men. It was amazing to share each meal with a different "set of stories" about where they came from, how they found the Wild at Heart message, and how they were doing at that particular moment of the Boot Camp. It was at the Bull Moose we met Alex from the Ransomed Heart (RH) Team -- he kept us up-to-date with schedules and logistics.

The Bull Moose was open 24/7, with enough coffee to launch a Space Shuttle! Also, it had some quiet corners with comfortable wooden rocking chairs and soft lighting to sit and journal, down some java whatever time of day or night, and relax. OK...you feed an army of men, and then it comes time to go to war.

Boot Camp began on Thursday evening after dinner...

Thursday Night - Opening Session

All of the sessions were held in the Avalanche Lodge building. Inside was an amphitheatre-style seating area, at the bottom of which sat a lighted stage. In one corner of the stage sat a sword rack, complete with five various types of battle swords. The only other accouterments to the stage area were a small wooden stool and a portable metal podium.

I took my seat -- which ended up being mine for the entire Boot Camp -- in the fifth row center, just the same spot I would always take in any movie theatre I've ever been in. So, here I am -- Thursday night, surrounded by 451 other men, our stomachs happy, and the lights go down.

Images. Movies that speak to the hearts and balls of men. Black Hawk Down. Defiance. Batman Begins. The masculinity and the theme of powerful men -- in battle, in adventure, rescuing beauty -- leaps off the giant projection screen sitting above the stage, the messages hammered into my body by a kick-ass sound system.

And so it began...

So out comes John Eldredge. "He's smaller than he looks in the DVD's," the voice of the Accuser whispered in my ear. I thought he looked good, healthy, ready, a light in his eyes and power in his voice that was unmistakable. Even 8 years after Wild at Heart was published, and after doing two Boot Camps each year, I sensed this guy was on, ready, armed to go to war, and glad we were there to go with him.

Note: What follows is not really a "nuts and bolts" of the entire Boot Camp, session by session. While the experiential part of the Boot Camp would be different for any participant, what I will attempt for the rest of this journey is to highlight what I found to be the greatest moments of personal revelation and initiation that God led me to in each day.

In His Image...

The invitation from the beginning was to see myself as a man created in the image of God -- created as a male, with a heart set in me for a purpose designed by Him. Part of this challenge was to see how crucial the warrior heart is that God designed for me...and how so much of the world has been set towards emasculating that, including the church. "Life is found," Eldredge said at one point, "where it's fought for."

I thought about some of my favorite films at one point. Gladiator -- strength and honor. Good Will Hunting -- the truth of a wound. Legends of the Fall -- how sons need a father. The Matrix -- life inside The Battle.

Desire, I began to see, comes from the inside out...and that reflects the desires that God put into my heart when He created it -- and when He redeemed it.

As our first session closed, we were encouraged to unplug...make that "last phone call to the outside world," turn off the cell phones, and unplug. It wasn't until later in the weekend that I realized there wasn't a single clock anywhere in Crooked Creek. This was a place without time for a reason. Eldredge and his team cautioned us about the Enemy being on the prowl, and to set our battlements against fear, agreements, and accusation.

Around the Fire

As I walked off on my own Thursday night, I found a spot on the fringes of the Ranch. The cold night air of Colorado was invigorating, but in the dark I was suddenly reminded of being alone in the world, as if the Rockies looming off in the distance were silent centurions that stood as witness to greater dangers that were lurking within me. As I turned to look back at the Ranch, with all of the lodge buildings lit up, and the echoes of distant conversations between men reached my ears, I felt like I was 18 again -- my first night on a college campus, alone, looking off at all the dorms lit up with people, parties, and possibilities. "You are alone, you idiot," the Enemy came in to say.

So I prayed. I asked God what to do -- and it felt like this sure and steady hand on my back, accompanied by a voice of maturity and assurance saying to me, "Go, be a part of instead of apart from. Join the men around the fire."

And so I went to sit around the fire pit, located in the middle of the lodging area. From Thursday night through the end of Boot Camp, the fire pit was active, a fire always going, wood readily available. And men came, gathered, sat around the fire in the cold of morning or evening, some talking, some journaling, some watching the flames, others smoking cigars.

So I spent the rest of Thursday night, well into early Friday morning, sitting with men from around the world, talking to them, sharing my story, listening to theirs, smoking a cigar, laughing, and connecting to other men who, like me, are wild at heart, awake, loving God, and walking with Him in search of battle, adventure, and beauty.

I was the last one at the fire pit early Friday morning, close to two o' clock. As I stood there and watched the fire, that same hand came upon my shoulder, and the Voice was happy in my ear saying, "Nice job. I see you. So do they. I love how you care."

Friday - Morning Session

The Gospel, really, John talked on Friday morning, is this incredible story in four acts.

Act I: In the beginning. The fellowship of the Trinity.

Act II: Why does every story have a villian? The revolt of Lucifer.

Act III: God allows our choices to matter. The freedom to accept -- or reject -- Him.

Act IV: The next chapter in the Story. Restoration.

A question was asked: How different is the life I'm living from the life I want to live? The intent behind the question was to examine the freedom I have in God...and the challenges of being authentic in my masculinity, not some "nice boy" the church would have me to be or "cartoonish" in the way the world depicts what a man should look like.

The fear of the Enemy, obviously, is that I don't have what it takes, that God is not good enough or sovereign enough. And here is where The Poser, according to Eldredge, is born.

The Poser is that part of me, any man, that shows up in the world, born out of fear, wearing all the masks available, and who will at every turn settle for a counterfeit instead of accepting God's purpose and power. The only source of the pose is my need to seek validation from anything and everything that is opposed to my truth in God.

So, in a beautiful and powerful way, Eldredge began to offer challenges to me -- to us -- in the way of questions. We were invited to go off into God's creation and ask ourselves a question: "Why am I not the man I want to be?"

Deep Sadness

As I went off, I was trailed by a wake of deep sadness. I cried openly in the morning session, cut open by other powerful film clips that spoke to truths and lies inside of my masculine heart. I was walking alone, bombarded by countless memories of being a man -- and where I fell short over my life. It felt as if I couldn't get away from myself, as if I wanted to run away from my physical body and my mental capacity, to go off into the mountains surrounding me and hide, dig a hole, keep digging, start hiding, go away, away, far, far away.

"Why are you afraid of being sad?" I sensed God asking me. "It's alright, Johnny." But it didn't feel alright, and I began to feel an amazing flood of fear behind the sadness, that nothing was alright, and that everything was wrong. "It is all wrong," the Enemy said, stepping into the fear and pummeling me with it. "It's all wrong because you're all wrong! You stupid ____, can't you ever accept this...you were all wrong from the beginning. In the beginning you were wrong. You're wrong now. And in the end you'll still be wrong. Grow the 'eff up and get with the game!!"

I returned to our next session Friday afternoon tracked by this fear. I took a few moments to speak to Bart Hansen about it, and he encouraged me to pray and to ask God to reveal to me His power over such fear...but not to run from the strength He put in my heart.

Friday - Afternoon Session

On the heels of talking about The Poser, John and his team now led us into dangerous territory of the masculine heart...The Wound.

The whole design of The Poser is to keep me from being exposed. Hence, Adam and the fig leaf. In the father/son relationship, a boy needs to be loved by his father, and given an answer to The Question: "Do I really have what it takes to be a man?" This validation is crucial to healthy masculine inititation, to the bestowing of masculinity from father to son.

And in my Story, my life, all of it was shaped by how my father handled my heart...and how The Wound really was received. Eldredge was clear: "Behind every posing man is a wounded boy." With this, even if the Enemy concurred, I would have to agree. And it unleashed this fury, this rage, inside of me...it suddenly came over me as I was sitting in the Avalanche Lodge. I felt like getting up and screaming "'Eff all this!!" and leaving. But John gave us another question at the end of the session to go in search of with God: "How did my father handle my heart?"

Angry at God, Pissed at Myself

As I went off in covenential silence with 451 other men to ponder this, I kept hearing the accusations from my father, the words of The Wound: "You're apart from, not a part of." "You are an addict, a criminal." "I have a favorite son--any of them that's NOT you!"

It was at this point in the Boot Camp that I began climbing mountains. I started finding myself off the pathways, onto the hills, in dangerous footings, in places that had tracks of beast laid out before me, in parts of the Rockies and Fraser Valley that were silent, majestic, apart from the meanderings and wanderings of the other men. I didn't want to be there among them, near them, and I wanted to be apart from God. I didn't want Him following me, either.

I found a small ridge to sit on top of. As I looked down on a hillside covered in snow, I watched a snow fox with white and burnt orange fur walk around, aware of me but oblivious to my potential. And then the Enemy chimed in: "This is all bull____. John and his team are bull____. The men around you are bull____. God is bull____, or are you too afraid to admit that, too? What are you doing here? It's all review, just a puffed up book study, just the same crap you spoon fed to those seven men in Louisville, none of which made a difference anyway. What are you doing here? Why are you here? Check out. Go ahead. It's not going to make a difference. It doesn't matter. You don't matter...do you? Or are you too afraid to admit that, too?"

The anger came. First it was an internal combustible engine firing off in my heart, and then I began to search my mind for the presence of God. I didn't want Him in my heart at that moment. I remember feeling, "You let me get wounded. You gave me that father who called himself a man. You stood around, just like Adam in the 'effin Garden, and did nothing, said nothing! How am I supposed to trust you, anyone, me?" And as quickly as it appeared, it began to shut down, lock itself down, and my heart with it.

The Voice returned as I sat in the silence of the woods in the mountains. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Me whatever you want. It's OK, son. Go ahead and let me know what it is I already know." And the feeling behind those words was like permission granted, full steam ahead. So I railed against God in the quiet grandeur of His majestic creation. I cursed, I spat, I hissed, I wailed, I moaned, I pitied, I cried, I called out The Wound, and I mourned. And, in the end, in the wake of all that, I opened the arms of my heart. "Come to me here, Father," I asked God. "Come hold me in this place and tell me You love me, that you'll Father me. How will You handle my heart?"

In the peace of the time after that, I rejected Satan and his wiles, his lies. I accepted a measure of grace there in the silent snow, feeling the presence of God as a Father, me as His son, feeling His love, His acceptance, His protection, and His purpose. My heart watched as the snow fox disappeared back into the woods I had wanted to hide in, and I let him represent those fears I didn't want to pursue. I wanted to stand, so I did. I wanted to return, so I went back to the Ranch. I wanted to be a part of, not apart from.

These Guys Are Not The Beatles!

Amazing, but there was a part in the Boot Camp experience when I was starting to see John, Craig, Bart, and Morgan like they were different than me, or any other man present. "They are so much better than you," the Enemy confirmed. "They have a ministry. You just play like you're a part of their message. See, they are talking to everyone but you. They don't give a flip about you."

I had wanted to say hello to John, introduce myself. While in the book study here in Louisville, I had sent him a personal letter addressed to him at home instead of the Ransomed Heart Ministries office. One of his assistants eventually forwarded me an e-mail from John, thanking me for the shared testimony of Christ's awesome work in my life and he was deeply appreciative of how Wild at Heart had played a role in that. "Boot Camp does get busy for me," he said in the e-mail, "but please do come up and introduce yourself."

So, at one point on Saturday, there I was, trying to maneuver my way to get a moment with him. And when it happened, I was happy. It was great to talk with him, ask him to sign my copy of the book, share briefly what the book study and the DVD series had meant to me, and let him know what I thought about the Boot Camp so far. It felt like fathering when he gave me a hug and told me that he loved me, was proud of me, and affirmed the "good work" I had launched into with the ministry message that was ultimately for God's glory, not his, not mine.

Later in the day, I also had a chance to speak with Craig McConnell, sort of rounding out my trek to have a brief moment with all of them. Craig's presence is a beautiful mixture of reverence for God and a brilliant sense of humor. He, too, felt blessed that I was able to share my experiences with the book study with him, and he gave glory to God that he had been able to play a role in such an important kingdom venture.

And, in retrospect, I had several opportunities during the Boot Camp time to talk with each of them again...but on that Friday, I really had to remind myself, "Hey, these guys are NOT The Beatles! They are men named John, Craig, Bart, and Morgan...called by God to deliver a message of hope and freedom in Christ into the hearts of men. And they are men, just like me...and no better than or worse than any of the other 451 men who showed up to take the sojourn of the Boot Camp under their facilitation.

But, I also praised God to witness how many men wanted that brief connection with each of them...and how gracious John, Craig, Bart, and Morgan were during the entire Boot Camp to spend what little free time they had between sessions talking with the individual men who chose to step up to them. I thanked God for His grace, their grace, and the grace He let me hold in my wanting to bless them for the help they had been -- and were -- to me and my journey to go after my own heart.

Friday - Evening Session

As I sat there in the next session, I realized that the desire God has for me was at stake, under the ravages of the war. Will I be the man God made me to be, free and alive? Will I ignore the signs that are true in the heart He has redeemed? Will I give into and believe the messages of The Wound?

The Wound, we were invited by Eldredge and his team to look at, has a message -- and it becomes the script of my life. Now he's 'effin talking, I thought. As a writer, I could relate to the script. And from the messages, I had developed a script, played the role, accepted the name I had given myself at the urging of the world, the flesh, and the Devil.

"The healing," John told us, "comes from walking with God, a close, personal relationship with Christ." And He has a new name for me...God has a name for me He meant for me!!

As the evening session closed, we were asked to go off once more in covenant silence and ask the question: "God, who am I? What's my name? Who am I to you?" I was challenged to see that I have a mythic role in God's Story...and that is only possible through the death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus. And, in polar opposition to what I had felt earlier in the day, I left the Avalanche Lodge thinking, "I'm not The Wound, The Script -- I'm God's man!!"

So I went back to my sleeping lodge, and stretched out on the bed. I curled up and closed my eyes, and for the next hour before sleep wrapped its precious arms around me, I talked to God, asking Him to speak to me, to reveal to me my name, the one He meant for me, and with that who He thought I was as a man.

Before I fell into His slumber, I heard His words: "You are stronger to me than you could ever imagine. You are Maximus."

Saturday - Morning Session

It was time to talk about spiritual warfare. Satan didn't miss the cue: "Make sure to take good notes, you dumb mother______, in case I've missed a place where I haven't shot an arrow into the strength of your heart. Pay attention, this is important -- he's gonna talk about where you have no heart, and have to beg God to save your sorry ass. Listen closely!!"

The Enemy, Eldredge contended, comes with the "agreements" that I keep making over the course of my life -- and the question is, "Do I buy in?"

Agreements MUST be broken!! The power of the agreement will check me out, take my heart out, and constantly rewrite the Story -- in favor of the Enemy and his role. Deep agreement is the work of the Enemy...and he'll bury each and every agreement with Wounds, so I can't/won't get to it in order to break it.

"Be controlled and alert," Peter tells me in Scripture. "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

And then something in me wanted to stand, to resist the lies, to take a stand, to stand firm...it was the unyielding heart of the warrior within me, the masculine warrior that God intends for me to be for His glory, and it started to understand something: The Enemy works both sides of the agreement, and the only way to break the agreement is with intentionality!!

Just Some of My Agreements...

I'm not worthy of acceptance or love.

I'm not powerful to fight...anyone, anything, anywhere.

I'm an addict. Always was, always will be.

I'm a pornographer.

I'm totally irresponsible with money.

I'm not a good friend.

I'm not a good man.

I'm an unemployed lazy bum.

My dreams don't matter.

I'm better, smarter, etc. than everyone.

I'll never matter.

I'll always be alone, without love.

I'm less than, I'm apart from.

I'm unloved by You, God.

In the room, the presence of God was felt as John and his team led the 452 men present into deep and powerful prayer -- prayer that asked God to come in at our invitation and help us break the fresh agreements and to give us discernment to recognize the historic agreements in our lives.

There filled my heart the echo of tears, men surrounding me in prayer, in power, the presence of the Father, coming in as invited to heal, to place His authority upon our prayers, to break the agreements that His men have made in the past, in the now. The silent and spoken words of prayer surrounded me, filled my ears, blessed my heart. It was difficult to step into, but I knew that God Himself was present among us in the Spirit, working, fighting, at war with us, before us, behind us, around us.

After our deep time of prayer, we were encouraged to realize that some agreements could be broken instantly by the power of God and His authority given to us...but that The Battle, for sure, would rage on, and that I must stay in it, taking my place in the line, and doing whatever was necessary to invite God in to help me break each and every agreement made with the Enemy.

The Mission for Me

And so the session moved into Mission -- God has a Mission for me...how do I find it?

It came down to simple clarity: Desire is key, there is risk involved, and it can't be done unless I walk with God.

I learned from opening my heart and mind to the Ransomed Heart team, listening to Bart Hansen unpack this part of the Wild at Heart message, that The Wound and the opposition of the Enemy will come against whatever desire I have or God intends inside my heart. Resignation will write a Small Story of Desire. And I don't want that...but questions were raised: "What have I done with my desire? Where has resignation killed my desire?"

I learned that risk is synonmous with adventure! Good and necessary risks toward the goal are required, and also part of the masculine initiation at the hand of God. It was refreshing to hear that there are levels of risk bringing adventure: casual, crucial, and critical...and what the Enemy doesn't want to hear and what God is shouting into my masculine heart is "I'm dangerous for good!!" Part of me laughed, along with other men -- realizing that some or most or all of our churches also don't want to hear that.

God invites me into the risk-taking adventures of life. "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better." (Ephesians 1:17)

And what about walking with God? (Note: John wrote a book last year entitled "Walking with God," one which invites me, all of us, to walk with Him, talk to Him, and listen for His answers, for they come. Really!) Desire, I heard from the team, will lead me to God's Mission for Me. My risk has to involve trust with God -- and I must invite God in to Father me, to initiate me, to walk with me! There are no shortcuts to the affirmation of the Father -- He will provide it, but I must be willing to stay with the questions and wait for His answers!

And as the morning session ended, we were given our leave with some more questions to take to God: "What makes me come alive? Where would You have me risk? How have You been a part of my desire?"

I had no way of knowing what was ahead, where He would ask me to go to begin this dialogue, to walk with Him, to hear His answers to my questions...

The Mountaintop

John and the RH team gave us hours to go off in covenant silence to contemplate our desire, and to seek God's face as to what He has for us in terms of Mission. So I headed off to a part of Fraser Valley I had peeked into on a walk early Saturday morning.

At dawn's early light I had discovered a trail head down on the landscape behind the outer edge of Crooked Creek Ranch, and when I had originally entered it, my heart began to race. "You 'effin idiot," the Enemy told me. "What if you run into a bear out here? What are you going to fight him with, your intellect? Your savvy? Your New York street sense? Nice going, ____head. Turn around. Go back to Mommy. Go back to safety, what you think you know."

As the journey progressed on that morning walk, I pushed aside that voice and invited God in. And what I heard was clear: "Come, follow Me. Listen to me. That's it, keep walking. Keep your eyes on Me. And breathe, Johnny...keep breathing!!" I finished that walk before breakfast further into the woods leading along the trail going up into the mountains, at a plateau well above Crooked Creek, which twisted and turned and churned with snow melt water far below me. At one point I stopped and asked God, "OK, now where to?" There was no answer, so I went back to the Ranch, to eat breakfast, and to enter into the morning session.

So, as I left with those questions posed by Bart, I asked God, "You want me to start where I left off?" And my feet seemed to float as my body moved back down the hillsides behind the Ranch and out towards the trail head, walking into the forest with confidence, scoping the terrain, not caring that a light rain was falling. I was dressed comfortably for the elements, and accepted the risks of the adventure that was ahead.

And so I walked, hiked, climbed, and followed God higher and higher up. At one point, I heard the call of geese in the air, and looked up to try and spot them. God laughed and spoke: "We're pretty high up here, Johnny. Look down." And so I did -- I had climbed so high up the mountain that the geese were flying at elevations below where I was standing, and what I thought was mist was really lower flying clouds. Fortunately, we had been instructed to hydrate well before our journey out to Colorado; I was well hydrated. The slopes were covered with wild sagebrush, and I would stop every once and a while and pull great handfulls of the wet and aromatic leaves off, rub them in my hands, and inhale the pungent and invigorating smell of the resin into my nostrils. It would clear my head at the altitude (well above 9,000 feet and approaching 10K) that I must have been at.

Parts of the trail, in the rain, were dangerous. Footing was possible on some locales only by decision and choice. A tumble to the left, in some areas, meant certain injury, possibly death from such a fall. And all around me was beauty, majesty, God Himself walking me through what must be a simple brushstroke of His creation, and talking to me deeply in my heart.

I could hear my heart alive for Him...for truth, for purpose, for Mission. On that mountaintop, He altered my Mission: My Mission is to manifest the glory of God by going to war for the hearts of men!! I could see the risks He was asking me to take...to return to Louisville, to keep pressing on with the Wild at Heart message, to keep fighting in the men's ministry of a dying church, to stay sharp and focused as an initiated man in The ManKind Project™, a non-profit men's work organization I'm affiliated with and was initiated into back in 1996 and had returned to after a 6-year absence after reading John's book. And in the desire to not want to leave that mountain in the Rockies, but to keep climbing, to keep searching, to keep exploring, to keep discovering, to keep hunting for my heart and His face, I knew that in turning around and making the trek back to Crooked Creek Ranch, back to the sessions, and back to the men who were with me, I was being shown such a magnificient picture of how God has been the Author, the Creator, the Sustainer, and the Redeemer of my desire, His desire within me, and the heart He created and rescued and ransomed!!

With both joy and such a tender bittersweetness, I turned from the mountaintop and headed back down into the valley, a part of my transfigured.

Saturday - Afternoon Session

This wasn't going to be enjoyable -- it was time to talk about The Beauty and how a desire of a man's heart is to rescue her. "Perfect, you 'effin loser," the Enemy said as I entered the Avalanche Lodge, exhausted from the hiking trek, "you have no woman in your life. The only woman who will have you are those two-dimensional harlots you lust over on the Internet. You are such a man, aren't you? Listen close, loser -- you might pick up some more pointers about the man you'll never be. Hah!"

And so I gave myself to prayer and focus. John began talking about how Adam chose Eve over God...and how that if a man isn't intimate with God, The Beauty will be looked to for validation.

And there is danger in taking that trail. The danger in taking The Question ("Do I really have what it takes to be a man?") to The Beauty, to Eve, to the woman in our life, is that the power cuts both ways...a woman can validate (if I'm looking to her for an answer) or else "fail me" on the report card of how I shape up as a man. And the validation is crippling if I don't receive it -- and addictive if I do get it.

Eldredge offered a warning, a danger sign: Don't take The Wounded Heart to the woman. Like Adam, I surrender something of my strength as a man when I go to The Beauty for healing. "Ah ha," I thought, silently taunting Satan, "that's why I go to porn, to masturbation, isn't it. You lying piece of ____!

And, once again, it was time to invite the presence of the Lord into our midst for the power of prayer, and to go to war for our individual hearts that He wants to use for His glory. It was a time to pray for RESTORATION...

I must take the integrity of my sexuality back -- I must turn from all temptation.

I must ask for forgiveness -- I must choose to present my body and sexuality, my mind and my imagination to God.

I must ask for God's cleansing of all of me -- I must long to bring it under the authority of Christ, and renounce all of the immorality I have chosen in the past.

I must break the agreements made -- I must honor God by asking Him to reveal them and invite Him in to break all of them.

And so what does a woman want, what are the desires of her heart? A man to fight for her, to be a partner in her Battles. She desires a man that will sweep her up into Adventures, not just leave her behind as he goes off to live out his...she desires to be an equal in them, to be a reason for them. And, in her beauty, her mystery, her creation, her sexuality, she desires to be revealed, delighted in, seen, unveiled, loved. As a man, God is initiating me and inviting me to offer Eve my strength, to be tender with her Wounded Heart, and to be absolutely fierce against her Enemy.

So, before dinner, and with time before our evening session, another question: "As a single man, what kind of man do I want to be?"

A Dude Flick

Crooked Creek rocks! For Saturday night, John and his team wanted to debrief, take some down time, spend it with each other, and give us men...452 strong...the opportunity to kick back, throw down some popcorn and soda, and enjoy a dude flick...Kingdom of Heaven, starring Orlando Bloom and Liam Neeson.

I was exhausted from two hikes that day. I thought "Well, maybe not." The Enemy said, "That's right, go back to the lodge. Crawl into bed. Hide." So I laughed at his lies, and went out, got my popcorn and soda (the Ranch staff had popped over 500 boxes of popcorn for us and put out all these bottles of Coke products to wash it down with), and took my seat to enjoy a movie I'd never seen before.

The messages inside Kingdom of Heaven spoke to all that John's message in Wild at Heart seemed to resonate with the men...a Battle to fight, an Adventure to live, and a Beauty to rescue. Wrap it all up with a story of redemption and salvation, and spiritual warfare, and the glory of God in His majesty and purpose. What little breath I thought I had after a long day was taken away in the joy of watching a movie with so many men of God surrounding me.

I went back to Timberwolf Lodge...joyously tired, gloriously open to God, warmly engaged with as much as I could encounter with so many other men on the same path...and not wanting the dawn to come because I knew it meant the road to the end of Boot Camp.

Sunday - Morning Session

"Now what?" John Eldredge asked us. "Then what?"

We had spent some time--on both Saturday and now again on Sunday morning -- singing praise and worship songs. No, not from the Baptist Hymnal, but powerful and contemporary praise and worship songs that were just as beautiful, just as meaningful, and opening me up to an outpouring of song that my lips offered up in praise to Him!

And then the session turned to Fathering, to initiation...and my heart was alive and so in tune to Him!

I find that there is such a deep desire and craving for a Father in my life, for my initiation as a man -- even at the age of 46 -- to continue, to deepen, to greatly impact me and my walk with the Lord. So I was asked another question: "Where do I need fathering right now in my life?"

I need a father who will be my teacher.

I need a father who will show me how to take my place in battle, to train me as a warrior.

I need a father who will give me affirmation in my overcoming all the temptations that come against me.

I need a father who will love me.

I need a father who will initiate me into leadership, who will show me how to guide others.

I need a father who is going to be present, open, emotionally authentic, and someone who will go on adventures with me.

I didn't want to recognize the sadness on the horizon of leaving later that day, but I also had the deep realization that Jesus is reconciling me to the heart of His Father, my Father. Even in a deep place of question...Will I ever be shown The Beauty to rescue?...I had to realize that I will go to the Father for my answer.

And the Father will train me...The Question is most often answered through training scenarios. And the training for war comes in the training with weapons...and a Warrior for Christ has the full armor, including the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God.

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:18)

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ther is one body and one Spirit -- just as your were called to one hope, when you were called -- one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through alll and in all." (Ephesians 4:1-6)

"...because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" (Romans 8:14-15)

"Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.' So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." (Galatians 4:6-7)

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you..." Jesus replied, "If anyone loves Me, he will obey My teaching. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him." (John 14:18, 23)

We were then asked to write some words that we always longed in our hearts to hear from our father. Here is what I put down:

"Johnny:

Of all my sons, you are the one I love the most -- and I missed so many opportunities to tell you this, to show you this, and to teach you how to love yourself and others in return.I am so proud of you, son -- for who you are, for not giving up altogether, for fighting your way back. I didn't know how to be there for you -- and I don't want to be that man anymore."

Before we left for more covenant silence time with God, I wrote down this brief poem:

Broken so deeply / healed so strongly. A father lost a son / a son has found his Father. Jagged or smooth / my heart is Yours, God. Shape it as You desire...

My Letter to God

Before we were to meet in our final session, I spent some time on the hillsides behind the Avalanche Lodge, looking for stones to bring back to my Band of Brothers in Louisville as touchstones of my journey to Boot Camp -- and I spent some time writing another letter to my Father, to God:

"Father God:

All of this is so familiar, and yet so foreign. Why do you love me? That's my question to You -- now how, but why? Why me, Father? Will You show me why? Will You be my Father, the one I always wanted, the one I never had, the one I really need? Will you initiate me as Your son?

So many questions. Where are all the answers, Father? Show me, teach me, love me...I do not know how to forgive. O Father, unharden my heart -- towards me, towards You, and towards others. Where have You been? And why has it taken so long? In every way, I need my question -- The Question -- answered by Your Fathering. Speak to me, O Father...

In the silence, in the storm. In my heart, in Your words. With strength and honor. With fierce love, with courage. With truth, with grace. As my Father, to Your son..."

The Final Debrief

This part I keep for myself. Bascially, it felt as if John and the RH Team were giving us the marching orders to go back to the front lines...and I never felt such an honor, such a deep masculinity, such a call to arms for my heart, such a level of genuine wisdom and discernment. It felt like a man of experience, a father, trying to give his son, full of inexperience, something to hold on to when he went off on his own to discover his own heart, his own place in the world, the place of strength in a sea of being on his own. But I'm not alone!

And, as I've experienced post-Boot Camp, such good advice...from one man to another!

The time since Boot Camp has been fraught with Battle and spiritual warfare unlike any I've experienced in my 4 year walk with the Lord. But my heart has not been taken out, I stand in strength and honor, and I stand firm in the truth of what God has done, is doing, and is calling me forth to accomplish for His glory:

I have called together my own Band of Brothers...following up on our 9-week book study of Wild at Heart, we now venture forth through the rest of this year, and will be meeting regularly to deepen our fellowship, discover the purpose of mission in our individual and group lives, and live out The Battles we fight, The Adventures we live, and The Beauty we rescue (for more information on John Eldredge, the Ransomed Heart™ Ministries, and the Wild at Heart Boot Camp™ to be held at Crooked Creek Ranch in Fraser, CO from November 12-15, 2009, see the link at the end of this entry).

I continue with The ManKind Project™, meeting with initiated men once a week, stepping up into the community of men as we do our work, as we press on to fight for our hearts and the hearts of other men, and offer the initiatory journey to any man seeking it. I intend on stepping up to join the Staff of our next New Warrior Training Adventure™, to be held in Bedford, IN by the MKP KY Community on October 23-25, 2009 (for more information on MKP, see the link at the end of this entry).

I continue to stay connected to M-Power™, the men's ministry at my local church in Louisville, KY -- Walnut Street Baptist Church (WSBC). Our men's ministry, like the church in general, faces many battles to awaken, empower, and ransom the hearts of the men in their congregations. As an initiated man, a man whose heart has been redeemed and ransomed, as a Warrior for Christ, and as a man with a Mission, I am poised to thrust myself back into The Battle within my own church, reinvigorated, rededicated, and realizing that God Himself leads me under His banner, for His glory.

And I continue to walk with God, talk to Him, listen, and follow. I trust in Him that He will be there to Father me, to initiate me further in the masculine journey, and love me as the son He creted me to be, to purpose me as the man He created me to be, and fill my heart with fierce, wild, and passionate love.

The journey continues...strength and honor.

If you wish to contact me for comment or stategies to join in the battle for men's hearts:

fontaine4christ@gmail.com

For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries, visit them on the Web at:

http://www.ransomedheart.com/

For more information on The ManKind Project, visit them on the Web at:

http://www.mkp.org/

PHOTO CREDITS: Johnny Fontaine, Don Baunsgard, Troy Reeves / 2009.

Ready? Aim. FIRE!!!

2009-04-23T15:55:00.004-04:00

"Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." (1 Corinthians 16:13 NASB)

I hate my Poser, the Rep (representative, that unauthentic guy I send into the world before I go in). There are moments in each day when I want to put the sonuvabitch up against the wall, lock and load, and let the bullets fly while he takes a long draw on his last smoke.

Ready? Aim. FIRE!!!

I can be somewhat passionate about things I'm passionate about. And that scares some people. Why? I'm really not "alert" to the next show I have to watch on TV (I don't own one), or the next way to stick my nose up my bosses ass (I'm currently unemployed, so that lets me off that hook), or who to glad hand at the Sunday School coffee & doughnut table (man, I don't even wear a tie to a Baptist church, so you know I'm going to hell!). So right now I'm asking God, "Hey, God, what are You getting me ready for? What's The Battle about today?"

I love talking with God. He listens. And He answers. Now, I'm sure there are some theological heavyweights out there (probably NOT reading this blog) who might say I'm stretching it to assume that I'm hearing the voice of God in response. There's always that caution of "Is it really me or God?" That's why it's a good thing I'm not called to seminary...I'd end up in double-super secret probation or something for going medieval on some MDiv candidate who thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks some more.

Go ahead...fire your Rep! Oh, come on...you know The Poser, The Mask. Every man has one (I have several, who have served me well over the years). Who's The Poser tell you to be? Who's The Poser tell you The Poser is? And what about The Mask? What does yours look like? Does it fit really well? You know....the one you wear for your work, your wife, your church, even the one you wear for you!

Standing firm in the faith is not easy -- especially when "faith," at times, is just a group of men and women standing around posing before God. Sometimes I sit around my church body and think, "What in the crap have I gotten myself into?" It's moments like that I have to fire my Rep...put the bastard up against the brick wall and pepper him with hot lead until the clip is empty and he's hasta la vista, baby.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I really think Jesus is only concerned about my relationship with Him. Of course He cares that I like to read all of His Story about how He's got what it takes to come through, to fight, to offer adventure, and what He wants me to do to rescue all of the Beauty that is a part of Him and this world. It's relationship, relationship, relationship!!!

So I have to continue to take aim on what it is that the world, the flesh, and the Devil would tell me is relational. I don't believe it's relational for a man to be asleep and to let his heart get taken out, day after day, Christian or not. I don't think it's relational for a man to not give a damn about other men, the lost culture of initiation, or the absolutely abysmal state of man in our current Western culture. And I don't think it's relational for me to be swept up in a formulaic relationship with Christ, passing over the visceral, the blood and guts, and down in the balls relationship with Jesus that gives me the bullets to put into the rifle of truth and living.

Act like men, be strong. I can hear the testicles of many men in my church shriveling as I say that. What was Paul asking me so long ago, to be meek and mild, to shrink from The Truth and my truth? And why is it so inviting for men, The Poser, The Rep, to go small, to give all power away, and to show up in ways that resemble a piece of Swiss cheese instead of a man made in the image of God? No wonder porn, drugs, money, and all the rest of the comforters I can name seem like the easy way out to a man. Emptiness requires little to be empty. If I'm not willing to step up, I don't have to put on my shoes.

So, if I choose today to stay in The Poser, The Rep, I'll gladly accept the blindfold and the cigarette from you. Go ahead. Ready? Aim. FIRE!!! I choose to put the spotlight on The Poser, to fire The Rep, to put the man I don't want to be on in front of the firing squad. Good riddance to all of them...just for today!

WILD AT HEART - Where Am I On My Journey?

2009-04-19T13:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I wrapped up facilitating a 9-week journey through a book study of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/). My masculine journey continues, as it should, and I wanted to check back in today by answering the question, "Where am I on my journey?"

1. I'VE ANSWERED THE FATHER'S INVITATION: Back in early September 2008, when I first read Wild at Heart, I was scared. After several years of walking with God, I felt as if God the Father found me. And soon after this revelation, I heard His invitation: "Will you let Me initiate you as a man?" From where I'm at today, I can see somewhere along the line I answered, "Yes. I need You to." I'm not exactly sure where or when I answered, but I do know why -- because, as a man, I've been longing in my heart for His Fathering.

2. I'M NOT ALONE: My masculine journey is not a solitary one, for I have the presence of God as Father, the Lord Jesus as a Brother, and the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit as a Counselor/Grandfather. The masculine presence of the Trinity touches the heart of this journey in ways I can't fully articulate, but I will try.

God as Father - A sense of the fathering my Dad couldn't/wouldn't/didn't offer. A combination of love and discipline. Leading me, not dragging me. Loving me in ways I've always wanted a Father to love me...and Him seeing me in ways I've so desperately wanted to be seen.

Christ as Brother - It comforts me to picture Jesus as my older Brother, a hero to have, a protector, a model of a man I want to be, and someone who always has time for me. My friend when all other friends are gone. Someone who shows me how it's done, the right way. Someone who will always be there to talk to, about anything.

Holy Spirit as Counselor/Grandfather - The wise Counselor, all-knowing, patient, stern yet compassionate in showing me the ways I fall short, and the depth of wisdom I desire to attain. Someone who marvels me with the history only He knows, and tells me that I have a place in the Story. A man among men, a gentle man, a strong man who has aged well and teaches me to slow down and enjoy the process.

3. I'VE GOTTEN MY HEART BACK: In the process of discovering the message behind Wild at Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), I've found my heart in both battling for it and also the hearts of other men. This isn't easy -- the journey into the wilderness to find my heart has been challenging and full of emotions, risk, and sacrifice. But standing where I am on the masculine journey, I can feel my heart alive, beating strong, and desiring more than it ever has.

4. I'VE FOUND MY PLACE (FOR NOW) IN THE BATTLE: For now, my place in The Battle looks like continuing the fight for the hearts of men -- and securing my own. Some of that work is a part of men's ministry in my church. Another part is the work I involve myself with in The ManKind Project of KY (http://www.mkpky.org/). The most challenging aspect is how I deepen i my personal relationship with God. He is the One I'm a Warrior for!

5. I'M LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT: The Battle has many fronts. Free of drugs, I now fight back against the temptations of lust and pornography. Pride and ego wage a constant war against me. Spiritual complacency is another fight, as are the fears I must go hand-to-hand against with finding employment, health and financial concerns, and pursuing quite a long list of goals and desires that are pleasing to God.

There's another question to answer: "Do I have what it takes?" This is the core question in the life of every man. There are days I forget to ask it of myself. There are days I avoid the answer. And, thank God, there are days like this when He speaks the answer so clearly and strongly into this adventurous, passionate, dangerous, courageous, and wild heart He has ransomed.

And this journey continues...

A Man I Want To Be

2009-04-16T13:51:00.003-04:00

There are days when I'm not too sure of the man I am...or the man God wants me to be.

Ever have days like that as a man? Maybe some of you reading this are thinking, "Better him than me." Maybe some of you have it all together.

I don't...but that's where my hope is in how God is initiating me as a man.

What follows is a poem written by a woman, not a man. I wish I wrote it. Better still, I wish I could be the man this woman desires...a man I want to be.

For today, I just wanted to share this poem with you men. Is there anything you read in this that reflects who you are...or who you are not? It truly inspires, and begs reflection.

And action...

Live Fully Oh King, Run Hard Strong Man by Cherri Lucas

I have longed a lifetime only for you.
I am steady watching. You are never in view.
Are you fighting and pressing near?
Break through walls; overcome all fear!
You are a king! A majestic man!
Full of honor and courage to stand.
Oh mighty warrior, lead and fight!
Conquer the darkness with holy light.
Your heart is on fire, my humble king!
Your hands how they war! Your mouth how it sings!
You’re covered in blood, sinless and free.
Your enemies they turn, they run and flee!
Your eyes are bright and clearly speak,
Of strength and victory from the Christ you seek!
The Lion of Judah dwells in your chest.
He is your courage, your strength, your best!
His roar is wild, it’s fearless and untamed!
It is felt and heard in your heart aflame!
Come and find me my love! Pursue me hard!
To all but you my king, my heart is barred.
I cannot bear a life without you my lord.
Come with violence, and shield and sword!
Come with strong arms, and be gentle and free!
Have all that I am! Without fear take me!
I long to move you like nothing ever could!
Like mountains uprooted and mysteries understood!
I need to know and be known by you.
To breathe as one and no longer two.
That our hearts would beat together with His,
Forever and ever as the Holy One lives!
I pray He delivers this love and desire,
Into the depths of your heart of fire.
Until we join by His great plan,Live fully oh king, run hard strong man!

For more information on men's work in the Louisville, KY area, visit The ManKind Project of KY at http://www.mkpky.org/

Discover the invitation to the masculine journey through John Eldredge and the Ransomed Heart Ministries at http://www.ransomedheart.com/

What's My Mission?

2009-04-08T10:52:00.003-04:00

"God, what's my mission?"

I asked the men who are with me in the book study of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge to stretch and ask that question of God -- and wait on the answer, because there is a purpose, a mission for each of us as men.

What's my mission?

I have a Mission statement: "My Mission is to manifest the glory of God by serving others with grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love."

This covers a lot of territory, much like a shotgun blast. But as I thought about the question last night while waiting for sleep to wrap me in its arms, I was spoken to by God's sweet Voice: 'Your Mission, for Me, is to be My Warrior and to fight for the hearts of men!'

As I sat in the cool of the Kentucky morning, letting the warm sun God put into the sky splash across my face, I smiled as I thought about dying. Naturally, this Holy Week, many will think about Christ carrying the Cross. I do. And I'm dying, every moment of every day, getting closer to His moment when He will choose my end and bring me into His eternal presence. It's a good day to die -- and live!!

Mission makes it so. A warrior for Christ? I've always enjoyed a good fight -- not in the physical, rock 'em sock 'em sense...but in the mythical, the inspirational, the emotional. And in being His warrior, I have a cross to bear -- every day. Jesus came to go to war for my heart -- and paid the battlefield sacrificial price, the ultimate -- His life for mine.

Men's work, for me, is about life and death, war and victory, bearing the cross and laying down my life for my friends. It's mythical, poetic, and real. Sadly, I worship at a church that has too many sleeping men -- men who have fallen in love with formula instead of relationship. But I smile, too, knowing that the war for their hearts -- no matter what their age -- is still a battle worth fighting, still a cross worth bearing. And God has given me a mission -- His.

Christ put His body on the Cross for all the broken and lost bodies of men that walk this earth. I see them, out there, so much pain, suffering, violence, emptiness. I have my moments, still, where that illusion offers me another mask to wear instead of manifesting His glory. Nowhere along the way did I ever think that war was easy...but it is beautiful. There is beauty in the fight, beauty in the victory...and beauty in being His warrior.

So as I live my mission, I offer the invitation to join me in the fight. Bear the cross. Fight the war. Offer your heart to Him and watch how He'll put you on the front line of His Great Battle. And, if you're sleeping, sleep well, sleep deep...and know that I will risk waking you up to take your place in the line. No one else can take your place in the line of battle...for another man would have to leave his place to do so.

My Mission is not to leave my place in the line for yours. My Mission is to be a warrior for the Lord, and to battle for the hearts of men.

*For more information on men's work in the Louisville, KY area, visit The ManKind Project of KY, Inc. at http://www.mkpky.org/

*For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries, visit them on the Web at www.RansomedHeart.com

An Ambassador

2009-04-02T14:59:00.004-04:00

"You got to go to the lonesome valley. You got to go there by yourself. Nobody else can go for you."

This morning I awoke, fresh from dreams of death, immorality, and lust. The Enemy was there in the shadows of my bedroom, whispering 'See, you are so phony, so false, so unChrist-like. Get it?"

It wasn't until later today that I found some truth in God's Word: "Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:20-21 NASB)

Seems to me the apostle Paul knew a little bit about traveling into the lonesome valley. As I move forward into living out my Mission today (TO MANIFEST THE GLORY OF GOD BY SERVING OTHERS WITH GRACE, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, AND LOVE), I find that ambassadorship is the ability to realize that I must go into the lonesome valley by myself -- yet I am not alone!

Paradox continues to surprise me in life, the way the cold waters of the ocean shrivels the manhood. I am a leader, I am running from being seen. I am free from the horrors of addiction, I seek my comforters. I am powerful, I am so weak in so many ways. I am a man, I am a boy. I am an ambassador for Christ, I am a sinner refusing even His grace.

God is initiating me in powerful ways. He is calling me into my place in the line of the Great Battle. There is no other man who can leave his place in line to take mine. As God continues to call me to engage and battle for the hearts of men, I find my position as an ambassador for him assaulted constantly. 'You suck. You're worthless. You will fail. You are __________.'

I go to the lonesome valley. I am an ambassador. I am not alone. And I fight on, refusing to be taken out by the thought of giving up. The winds of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love blow across the fire in my belly and the flames of my heart.

For more information on men's work, please visit The ManKind Project™ (www.mkp.org). In Kentucky, visit us at http://www.mkpky.org/.

For more information on the battle for men's hearts in Christ, ally with John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries (http://www.ransomedheart.com/).

Love Fiercely - It's A Safer World!

2009-04-01T15:01:00.003-04:00

Hard to believe it's been 9 weeks since I've posted...but it is what it is.

The inspiration to return to His Grace Amazing was what happened to me this past Thursday through Sunday in Bedford, IN.

It was there I had the privilege, blessing, and honor of being a staff member, along with 36 other men, on the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA), a 3-day experiential masculine journey of discovery and initiation sponsored by The ManKind Project of KY (http://www.mkpky.org/), of which I'm also a member.

Back in the "real world," getting only 17 hours of sleep between Wednesday and Sunday, with a heart so overflowing with fierce and authentic love for men's work, I can say it's a safer world out there today because 16 men came to do their NWTA with a willingness to step into the unknown and travel through to the other side.

Staff members came from Kentucky, Missouri, the Carolina's, Georgia, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Texas, and Canada to support these men in a journey that Western culture has all but forgotten -- the process of masculine initiation and mission building.

Why men's work? Why, as a man perhaps reading this, should I care about such an organization as MKP?

I found MKP and the NWTA in 1996. I grew in the work for 6 years - then actually walked away. When I returned 6 years later, I found two things to be true: the men who I knew originally who stayed were stronger, better, safer, and more authentic men AND the new men who had joined in my absence were powerfully impacted, as I was, by the NWTA and its follow up path of integrating men's work into our lives with purpose, mission, accountability, and integrity.

But over this past weekend, I saw something, a blessing from God Himself, a measure of grace unmeasurable, a love so fierce it hurt my heart to take it all in, a power, a courage in men, a truth of spirit, and a vulnerability and nakedness so honorably exposed that it made me realize that His grace is amazing and that I, as a man, have a responsibility to stand in such truth - whether standing on the mountaintop or trudging through the valleys below.

So, go ahead - LOVE FIERCELY!! It's okay to do so...it's a safer world out there today. Men are working, men are loving, men are changing. This world is hungry for authentic masculine energy, leadership, and love. I do so by living out my Mission: My Mission is to manifest the glory of God by serving others with grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. Don't have a Mission? Need one? Desire one? Want one?

Come join us! It would be an honor to watch you, as a man, discover yours - and encourage mine!

*MEN IN KENTUCKY: Our next NWTA is scheduled for October 23-25, 2009. Check out our Website for registration details. We also host a monthly Intro to Men's Work gathering at the MKP KY Lodge (1728 Mellwood Avenue in Louisville) running from 7:00-8:30pm the first Thursday of each month.

For more information on The ManKind Project, visit us on the Web @ http://www.mkp.org/

Wild At Heart (PART 6: The Father's Voice)

2009-01-27T13:30:00.014-05:00

This is my wound:

"I am not worth the time. Not worth your time.

I am forgotten.

I am not loved - or lovable.

What I do matters to no one.

I am a failure. I will always be a failure.

Don't rock the boat!

Shut up and sit down. My opinion isn't wanted.

Run away and hide.

I don't fit in anywhere I go.

'Daddy doesn't love you.'

No one listens to what I say. What I say isn't important.

What makes me happy doesn't matter.

Following my heart is foolish. DON'T DO IT!!

I am not a man.

Bad Johnny!! Don't be angry!!

People-please those who disgrace with me - NOW!!

Everything is going good. TIME TO SELF-DESTRUCT!

I am not doing IT right.

No sense in having dreams - they won't come true.

I will NEVER succeed - EVER!!"

September 1996. I was initiated into manhood at the age of 34 - and introduced to my Wound. Each of those descriptions you've just read are layers of scar tissue on my Wound. And because of such doubt, discouragement, pain, and suffering it's no wonder I tried to find my name in pot, porn, and pride for so long.

Desperate For Initiation

In Chapter Six of Wild At Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) makes the case for initiation.

"Where does a man go to learn an answer like that -- to learn his true name, a name that can never be taken from him? That deep heart knowledge comes only through a process of initiation. You have to know where you've come from; you have to have faced a series of trials that test you; you have to have taken a journey, and you have to have faced your enemy." (Wild at Heart, p. 101)

I found my path to masculine initiation through The ManKind Project™ (http://www.mkp.org/) and their New Warrior Training Adventure™, a 3-day experiential process that took me on a guided, adventurous, and dangerous journey of masculine initiation. That process of initiation - and years of subsequent involvement with a community of men willing to claim their names, identify their missions and live them, and - most importantly - be open to the challenges of healing their wounds has had, outside of my turning my life over to, and being born again in, Christ, the most significant impact on my life above anything else.

If your father failed to initiate you, you are an uninitiated man. Society cannot initiate you. You can't initiate yourself, and a man cannot be initiated by a woman. Even as a Christian, I can say the church cannot initiate you into healthy masculinity.

"The church would like to think it's initiating men," Eldredge asserts, "but it's not. What does the church bring a man into? What does it call him out to be? Moral. That is pitifully insufficient. Morality is a good thing, but morality is never the point." (Wild at Heart, p. 101)

And even with initiation at the direction of a father or a community of mature men, there is still a depth a man can be taken to in order to become a man made in the image of God. What does God have to say about initiation?

How God Initiates A Man

God has a plan to initiate us as men, for we are men made in the image of God.

"'Who can give a man this, his own name?' George MacDonald asks. 'God alone. For no one but God sees what the man is.' He reflects upon the white stone that Revelation includes among the rewards God will give to those who 'overcome.'" (Wild at Heart, p. 103)

What do we, as men, have to overcome? The Wound - and in Scripture, our wound comes to us historically, first, from the sin of Adam, the first man - in Eden and by choice, secondly, from the motives we hold deep inside our hearts.

"To him who overcomes, I will grant to eat of the tree of life which is in the Paradise of God...(Revelation 2:7 NASB)He who overcomes will not be hurt by the second death...(Revelation 2:11)To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it...(Revelation 2:17)He who overcomes, and he who keeps My deeds until the end, to him I will give authority over the nations; and he shall rule them with a rod of iron, as the vessels of the potter are broken to pieces, as I also have received authority from My Father; and I will give him the morning star...(Revelation 2:26-28)He who overcomes will thus be clothed in white garments; and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels...(Revelation 3:5)He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write on him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God, and My new name...(Revelation 3:12)He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne." (Revelation 3:21)

What father, in a perfect world, wouldn't want the best for his son? But, as men, we don't live in a perfect world or have perfect fathers. God, our Creator, knows us, loves us, and - as men - has a plan for us. Read Psalm 139 if you doubt you are known that intimately by God.

"The history of a man's relationship with God," Eldredge tells us, "is the story of how God calls him out, takes him on a journey and gives him a true name." (Wild at Heart, p. 103)

Adam was created for adventure, battle, and a beauty - so was I, as a man...and so were you. Look back over the words of Jesus in His Revelation. He wants to restore us - through initiation, through the process of overcoming - to His original design: restoration to Paradise, freedom and healing from all wounds, our true name, authority and power, the blessings of community and forgiveness, and a Father who is perfect, powerful, and eternally present.

But Eldredge, once again, guides us to the mirror and invites us, as men, to look at the questions we've been asking of God. They're the wrong ones!

"But to enter into a journey of initiation with God requires a new set of questions: What are you trying to teach me here? What issues in my heart are you trying to raise through this? What is it you want me to see? What are you asking me to let go of? In truth, God has been trying to initiate you for a long time. What is in the way is how you've mishandled your wound and the life you're constructed as a result." (Wild at Heart, p. 105)

The Wound & The False Self

Like most men, I've spent the majority of my life as a man minimizing my wound. In doing so, I've had to pretend it doesn't hurt - allowing the false self to show up.

"Men are taught over and over when they are boys that a wound that hurts is shameful," notes Iron John author Robert Bly. "A wound that stops you from continuing to play is a girlish wound. He who is truly a man keeps walking, dragging his guts behind."

What does that tell me as a man? Tough it up, don't let it matter. You're not supposed to get hurt. Yet God is waiting - He is there waiting for us, as men, to acknowledge the hurt, the pain, the Wound.

"God is fiercely committed to you, to the restoration and release of your masculine heart," Eldredge tells us. "But a wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you've embraced is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved is a wound that cannot heal." (Wild at Heart, p. 106)

And this puts God - in relation to our Wound and His plan for initiating us as men - on a very determined course: to get us to come on His journey of initiation and in order to bring healing, He will wound us directly in the place we've been wounded.

And in that place, I can hide - from me, from you, from healing...but not from God.

Most men who live without God plan to save themselves by the false self or the impostor.

"So God must take it all away, " Eldredge says. "This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self." (Wild at Heart, p. 107)

Only until recently, I spent so much time, talent, and treasure in constructing and living from my false self. Pot, porn, and pride - these were the bricks and the mortar, the beams of steel from which I created what I believed to be an indestructible sanctuary. My life was a lie - and I believed it.

"God loves us too much to leave us there," Eldredge observes. "So He thwarts us, in many, many different ways. In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life." (Wild at Heart, pp. 108-109)

He sums it up boldly: "The real journey begins when the false self fails." (p. 110)

And this is battleground territory - where God is on one side, Satan on the other, and my heart, as a man, directly in the middle, in the dangerous line of fire. And I must choose sides...without losing heart. Because as God wounds me in my Wound, He is actually loving me.

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12:5-6 NIV)

'What?' you might say. 'Discipline? Rebuke? Punishment? How can this help? How is this love? How is this God?'

Part of initiation is dangerous - but God is ultimately out to help us...and get rid of the false self.

"God thwarts us to save us," Eldredge says. "We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us." (Wild at Heart, p. 112)

Luke spoke to this in his Gospel, sharing with us the words of Christ: "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" (Luke 9:24-25 NIV)

As men, God invites us to leave behind the false self, drop the fig leaf, lose the mask, and follow Him into initiation. We, as men, can choose to do it ourselves or we can wait for God to take it all apart.

"But," Eldredge warns, "this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead. What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity." (Wild at Heart, p. 113)

And, as in all paths of genuine initiation, we - as men - must also walk away from one of our greatest comforts.

Walking Away From The Woman

Please hear what Eldredge is saying: "I do not mean leave your wife. I mean you stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her." (Wild at Heart, p. 113)

Once the false self is abandoned, a man is open to being vulnerable and exposed - and being comforted is always more attractive than pursuing the new boundary of authentic masculinity.

"What I am saying," Eldredge notes, "is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength, he goes to her to offer it." (Wild at Heart, p. 115)

Let's be clear - Adam had God. And God, in grace, gave us - as men - the beauty, mystery, and glory of Eve. But something happened at the Fall - Adam chose Eve over God.

And it is in the Father's voice we, as men, hear the call of true healing and where it is found.

Eldredge concludes this chapter with a direct challenge: "We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to Him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound." (Wild at Heart, p. 117)

So, men - you have a wound. So do I. Are we ready to return to the union with our Father, to seek the healing we desire and need?

NEXT WEEK: Wild At Heart (PART 7: Healing the Wound)

Wild At Heart (PART 5: The Battle)

2008-12-30T12:49:00.011-05:00

*WARNING: This blog entry contains adult themes, messy spirituality, and psychological nudity! Reader discretion is advised - please enter with discernment!!*

Do you remember The Question?

Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful?

As a man, you may not like what I'm about to say:

--"You cannot turn a cheek you do not have..."

--Many of your "best choices" to let someone else decide how you should live have slowly removed "one vertebra at a time, until in the end you have no spine at all..."

--"...our culture" is determined "that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad, and we have to make them into something more like girls."

--The answer to The Question isn't in the size of your wallet...or your penis.

--"...the church may have a masculine exterior, but its soul has turned feminine."

--All the pornography, addiction, greed, or ignorance in the world isn't going to let you off the hook in answering The Question or help you in healing The Wound.

This isn't supposed to be nice, or make you -- as a man -- feel good. Let me ask you to consider the wound...your wound. Is it nice? Does it feel good?

In Chapter Five of Wild At Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) tells us a very evident, but often denied, truth: "But for many, many men their souls still hang in the balance because no one, no one has ever invited them to be dangerous, to know their own strength, to discover that they have what it takes." (p. 79)

Don't want the wound? Too bad -- and get used to it. According to Eldredge, "...a man is not wounded once, but many, many times in the course of his life." (p. 79) As a man, each time I'm wounded I choose to take a hit -- an arrow -- directly in the place of my strength, my heart.

And, to be honest, as a man -- and as a Christian -- I'm tired of taking arrows, I'm tired of the Enemy's attempts to take me out each day...and I'm tired of being a man who fails, at times, to claim the power and the image of the One who created me to be a much stronger man.

Who's firing the arrows? Who's got me in the cross hairs? I'd like to change the story...

Finishing Him Off

As a man, I have a wild side -- dangerous, sharp, adventurous, and masculine. Society wants me to either emasculate myself and play nice or else allow the endless parade of people, places, or things associated with the world, the flesh, or Satan force me into a kaleidoscope of poor imitations of what a man can -- or should -- be.

"Our culture," Eldredge asserts, "has turned against the masculine essence, aiming to cut it off early." (Wild At Heart, p. 80)

Would I be any less of a man if my genitals were cut off? Of course, a large measure of society would say, "Yes -- you are now less of a man."

Has the church lost its manhood? Have men, in general, lost it to the ravages of emasculation? Single or married -- it doesn't matter.

"Women are often attracted to the wilder side of a man," Eldredge notes, "but once having caught him they settle down to the task of domesticating him. Ironically, if he gives in he'll resent her for it, and she in turn will wonder where the passion has gone." (Wild At Heart, p. 82)

Where has my passion gone? Where -- as a man -- has yours gone? Who put me in a cage? Why is a lion -- or God -- put in one?

Danger...

No, no, no -- don't' be dangerous. That's the message -- that's the bottom line. The church, perhaps, would be pleased to have all men be Sunday School Jesus, the Lamb instead of the Lion.

And, in turn, what has happened to that dirty word...initiation?

Robert Bly (Iron John) says, "We know that our society produces a plentiful supply of boys, but seems to produce fewer and fewer men."

Have a clue?

"There are two simple reasons: We don't know how to initiate boys into men, and second, we're not sure we really want to. We want to socialize them, to be sure, but away from all that is fierce, and wild, and passionate. In other words, away from masculinity and toward something more feminine." (Wild At Heart, p. 83)

As a man, my heart is crying out for heroes of masculinity. Women can be heroic -- but we've forgotten along the way that "it was a Man who let Himself be nailed to Calvary's cross...It's simply to remind us that God made men the way they are because we desperately need them to be the way they are. Yes, a man is a dangerous things. So is a scalpel. It can wound or it can save your life. You don't make it safe by making it dull; you put it in the hands of someone who knows what he's doing." (Wild At Heart, p. 83)

Here's a question: Are you a stallion or a gelding?

What's Really Going On Here, Anyway?

My father was in one of the waves that landed on the shores of Omaha Beach on June 6, 1944. As a boy, I once asked him what it was like. He became very quiet and would not talk about it. It wasn't until I was a man, and saw the first thirty minutes of Steven Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan that I understood why.

My father had been to war -- but he never prepared, or initiated, me for the battles that lay ahead.

There is still a war going on -- and the hearts of men are being taken out, left and right. Have a look around you -- what do you observe?" Eldredge asks. "What do you see in the lives of the men that you work with, live by, go to church alongside? Are they full of passionate freedom? Do they fight well?" (Wild At Heart, pp. 84-85)

Men at war take wounds. Sometimes I think the wounds from my father or those delivered by life are nothing compared to those I've inflicted on myself. For years I've been bleeding -- the abuse of drugs, pornography, and the minefields of pride have left me alive but badly wounded.

They are trying," Eldredge says of such wounded men, "to crawl forward, but are having an awful time getting their lives together; they seem to keep taking hits. You know others who are already captives, languishing in prisons of despair, addiction, idleness, or boredom. The place looks like a battlefield," he says of our lives, "the Omaha Beach of the soul." (Wild At Heart, p. 85)

This is war. And there is insanity that will keep me -- or us -- as a man from being honest.

Sometimes I get tired of it all -- the waste of time, the softness of men, the battlefronts and casualties. Sometimes I don't care about anyone or anything but myself, the narcotics of arrogance and pride running slowly through my veins. And there are times when I forget about Adam standing by and not fighting for Eve against the Serpent of Old.

And I tell you this: just because you want to deny that there is a ware, that there is an Enemy, doesn't make the realities of both disappear.

"We were born into a world at war," Eldredge declares. "This scene we're living in is no sitcom; it's bloody battle. Haven't you noticed with what deadly accuracy the wound was given? Those blows you've taken -- they were not random accidents at all. They hit dead center." (Wild At Heart, p. 86)

We were born into...war.

"And there was war in Heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in Heaven. The great dragon was hurled down -- that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him." (Revelation 12:7-9 NIV)

The Enemy is here, assaulting our hearts as men. Why?

"Do you know why there's been such an assault?" Eldredge asks us. "The Enemy fears you. You are dangerous big-time. If you ever really got your heart back, lived from it with courage, you would be a huge problem to him. You would do a lot of damage...on the side of good. Remember how valiant and effective God has been in the history of the world? You are a stem of that victorious stalk." (Wild At Heart, p. 87)

But as men at war -- against the Enemy and in the battle for our hearts -- we must be initiated into our authentic and powerful masculinity...and be trained and armored for the onslaught ahead.

And we -- as men -- must choose to go to war and be willing to engage the Enemy with all the weapons of manhood.

"Most men," Eldredge concludes, "have never been initiated into manhood. They have never had anyone show them how to do it, and especially, how to fight for their heart." (Wild At Heart, p. 87)

Your heart, men, may be in captivity behind Enemy lines. To get it back, you will have to heal the wound, and in doing so, ask yourself this question:

"What's at risk?"

Our Search For An Answer

What's at risk for me to be initiated into manhood?

What's at risk for me to hear the words my father never told me?

What's at risk for me to know who I am and that I have what it takes?

Eldredge isn't shy in answering these kind of questions for me -- or for us, as men.

"In order to help you find the answer to The Question, let me ask you another: What have you done with your question? Where have you taken it? You see, a man's core question does not go away. He may try for years to shove it out of his awareness, and just 'get on with life.' But it does not go away. It is a hunger so essential to our souls that it will compel us to find a resolution. In truth, it drives everything we do." (Wild At Heart, p. 88)

On the journey to recapture my heart, I will have to understand the concept of validation -- and how it can skew the compass so vital to my search to mislead me in any number of directions. And, for me as a man (and as a Christian), the more I refuse to listen to God's voice, the further I end up off course.

"Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction; pay attention and gain understanding...I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble...My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:1, 11-12, 20-23 NIV)

With initiation, a young man listens to the voice of his father and other mature men. And in our society and culture, so many young boys have become men without initiation, without validation, and listening to the cacophony of voices that make no sense...or give a man any significance of sense of belonging.

"Where does a man go for a sense of validation?" Eldredge asks us. "To what he owns? To who pays attention to him? How attractive his wife is? Where he gets to eat out? How well he plays sports?" (Wild At Heart, p. 90)

To that list I could add: "To how much is in his wallet? By the quality of his toys? How big is his house? The number of cars he owns? Where he vacations? To the size of his manhood? To the amount of his tithe?"

The snipers keep shooting, and men are taken out. Some, most -- if not all of us, as men -- crawl, with our wounds, to one universal place.

"But the deadliest place a man ever takes his search, the place every man seems to wind up no matter what trail he's followed, is the woman." (Wild At Heart, p. 90)

Taking It To Eve

When a man takes his question to the woman," Eldredge suggests, "what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both." (Wild At Heart, p. 93)

Here, once again, I testify from truth and experience...Eldredge is dead-on accurate.

With an absent father in my early teens, I was wounded next by my mother -- caught with pornography, shamed into a corner of my soul for the sins of my father, and left for impending disaster in seeking an answer to The Question from a source who couldn't (or wouldn't) --or shouldn't -- provide it.

The truth is, whether in porn or in trying to find the answer from Mom or thinking that sex equals love, I longed to "be the hero to the beauty -- that has been my longing, my image of what it means to really, finally be a man. Bly calls it the search for the Golden-haired Woman." (Wild At Heart, pp. 90-91)

I became addicted to pornography at a young age -- long before I was seeking the answer in drugs. According to Eldredge, it's no wonder.

"But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn't even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced." (Wild At Heart, p. 91)

Men know this: sex sells, sex is seductive, and sex is not the answer. I have never found the Golden-haired Woman (or a beauty worthy of my hero) in the abysmal black hole of pornography. And, no matter how loving she was, as a man I could never be initiated by my mother. "Femininity," Eldredge reminds us, "can never bestow masculinity." (p. 93)

So for years I sought my power -- and the answer -- through my erection. Eldredge agrees. "If a man can feel an erection, well then, he feels powerful. He feels strong. I'm telling you, for many men, The Question feels hardwired to his penis. If he can feel like the hero sexually, well, then mister, he's the hero. Pornography is so seductive because what is a wounded, famished man to think when there are literally hundreds of beauties willing to give themselves to him?" (Wild At Heart, pp. 91-92)

But, as I said, the answer isn't there. It's not there. As the poet William Blake said, "The naked woman's body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man." But, as captivating, mysterious, powerful, and deeply emotional as the creation of woman by God is, asking one the answer to The Question -- or expecting authentic masculine initiation from oen -- is simply an illusion.

And Eldredge sums it up perfectly:

"Because we cannot hear the real answer until we see we've got a false one. So long as we chase the illusion, how can we face reality? The hunger is there; it lives in our souls like a famished craving, no matter what we've tried to fill it with. If you take your question to Eve, it will break your heart." (Wild At Heart, p. 95)

There is only one source. And, men, I encourage you to take your question back -- and let our journey continue.

Walk away from all the places you've been seeking it in where it can't be found. Stop chasing after it in an empty sense of self.

As George MacDonald says, "Who can give a man this, his own name?"

Next Week: Wild At Heart (PART 6: The Father's Voice)

Wild At Heart (PART 4: The Wound)

2008-12-20T09:26:00.015-05:00

Even decades after it occurred, I can recall with vivid clarity the day my father inflicted the wound upon me.

As a little boy, I was playing soldiers in the apartment we were living in, setting up the green plastic warriors across the floor and furniture of the fifth floor walk-up in the Bronx. I was no more than 6 or 7 years old, my father fast asleep in an easy chair.

At one point in the pretend battle, I launched a "wounded" soldier into the air -- but it flew erratically and hit my father in the face, startling him awake. A look of anger filled his eyes and spread across his face. He called me over to him, but I was afraid -- of him. He said he wasn't going to hit me, and called me over again.

When I trusted him at his word and went over, the hard slap across my face was something I didn't see coming -- I was looking at him with trust in my eyes. As the pain and fear mixed together with the shock of his anger, I took the wound. The hand print on my cheek eventually faded -- the arrow he put into my heart (the heart of a little boy who loved his father enough to trust him at his word) took longer, much longer, to dislodge.

What's your story? What's your wound?

In Chapter Four of Wild at Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) makes it clear: "Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father." (p. 60)

So, let us continue -- as men -- and have the courage, perhaps, to see the wound, name it, or even go so far as to begin the healing by finally pulling the arrow out.

A Man's Deepest Question

Remember the question?

"Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?"

According to Eldredge, as a boy looks for a man (most likely his father) to bestow masculinity upon him, he will ask -- as children do -- a very important question:

"Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful?"

"Miss that moment," Eldredge says, "and you'll miss a boy's heart forever. It's not a question -- it's the question, the one every boy and man is longing to ask. Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they've been given." (Wild at Heart, p. 62)

Every son wants to hear the answer from their father...every son. Even Jesus.

"As soon as Jesus was baptized, He went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on Him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:16-17 NIV)

Is that the answer you received?

Where Does Masculinity Come From?

As stated before, masculinity is bestowed.

"A boy learns who he is and what he's got from a man," Eldredge notes, "or the company of men. He cannot learn it any other place. He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women." (Wild at Heart, p. 62)

From experience, I can attest to this truth on several fronts.

As a Christian man, I see clearly in the Word of God how Jesus looked to His Father for guidance and direction -- biblical masculinity I would call this.

The Gospel of John bears the evidence. "Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He does." (John 5:19-20 NIV)

John goes on to chronicle other declarations of bestowed bonds of Father and Son biblical masculinity:

*"I and the Father are One." (John 10:30)

*"If you really knew Me, you would know My Father as well." (John 14:7)

*"Believe Me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me..." (John 14:11)

*"...but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what My Father has commanded Me." (John 14:31)

*"If you obey My commands, you will remain in My love, just as I have obeyed My Father's commands and remain in His love." (John 15:10)

*"I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father." (John 16:28)

*"Yet I am not alone, for My Father is with Me." (John 16:32)

From the beginning, it has been the plan that a father would build the foundations in a boy's heart. As men -- with the wound -- we know that the foundation, if not damaged, has been severely compromised.

From Strength To Strength

"Femininity," Eldredge reminds us," can never bestow masculinity." (Wild at Heart, p. 64)

He is right, and men know this. True, all boys are birthed into this world and nurtured by their mothers. But, Eldredge says, "there comes a time for a shift when he begins to seek out his father's affection and attention." (pp. 63-64)

At this point, the mother becomes the moon and the father becomes the sun in a boy's universe. Many women possibly seek a boy's attention or devotion to fill a gap in their world left by their inattentive husbands (this also was the case for me). But, Eldredge notes, "Masculinity is an essence that is hard to articulate but that a boy naturally craves as he craves food and water. It is something passed between men." (p. 66)

And what is passed is blessing.

Robery Bly, the renowned mythopoetic author of Iron John, notes, "The ancient societies believed that a boy becomes a man only through ritual effort -- only through the 'active intervention of the older men.'" From my own experience in my life -- and the missing pieces of blessing from my childhood -- I know that a father or other man or men must intervene...and the mother must let go -- or be let go of.

At the age of 34, I was finally blessed with initiation into masculinity. The ManKind Project™ (http://www.mkp.org/), through the New Warrior Training Adventure™, took the place of what masculine blessing my father failed to bestow on me -- and powerfully intervened in my life to test me and initiate me into authentic and archetypal masculinity.

What I've found in men's work -- with active involvement from 1996 through 2002 in MKP, and a return to men's work this year -- is a community of men who are actively healing the wounds of boyhood...and becoming safer men in the world. And in the work, men -- either father's themselves or single -- take on and develop healthier and stronger attributes of fathering that may have been missing in their own past.

"A boy's passage," Eldredge explains, "into manhood involves many of those moments. The father's role is to arrange for them, invite his boy into them, keep his eye out for the moment the question arises and then speak into his son's heart yes, you are. You have what it takes. And that is why the deepest wound is always given by the father." (Wild at Heart, p. 68-69)

The Father-Wound

"He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by His wounds you have been healed." (1 Peter 2:24 NIV)

The wound is inevitable -- and the wound hurts.

"Some fathers give a wound," Eldredge states, "merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence is deafening." (Wild at Heart, p. 71)

I can only imagine how Jesus, the Son, felt at that moment on the Cross when God, the Father, was silent.

"From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice 'Eloi, Eloi, lamasabachthani?' -- which means, 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?'" (Matthew 27:45-46 NIV)

Even Christ, the LORD, received a wound from His Father -- and felt the pain of what it was like to be without the Father at a critical moment. But even with what Jesus felt and experienced, Scripture reminds me of what was done for me -- a man, a sinner -- by the sacrifice of a man taking on the wounds.

"Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered Him stricken by God, smitten by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:4-6 NIV)

As human men -- though created in the image of God -- we are subject to the wounds which we receive and, paradoxically, can only be healed by the sacrifice of what Jesus did in taking the wounds -- our wounds, my wounds, all the wounds -- which God the Father, due His position and authority, rightfully could have placed upon us as consequences of sinful hearts.

"The assault wounds are like a shotgun blast to the chest," Eldredge says. "This can get unspeakably evil when it involves physical, sexual, or verbal abuse carried on for years. Without some kind of help, many men never recover. One thing about assault wounds -- they are obvious. The passive wounds are not; they are pernicious, like a cancer. Because they are subtle, they often go unrecognized as wounds and therefore are actually more difficult to heal." (Wild at Heart, p. 70)

And so it has gone, men to men, fathers to sons -- the wounds are given, and the wounds are received.

The Wound's Effect

So, as a man, what can I do with the wound?

I'm not alone -- all men carry a wound. Most know it's there but don't know what to do about it. Some ignore it, acting out of its pain across their entire lives. Others discover the wound, name it, and go forth towards a path of healing.

"So there is no crossing through this country," Eldredge observes of the landscape between being a boy and becoming a man, "without taking a wound. And every wound, whether it's assaultive or passive, delivers a message. The messages feels final and true, absolutely true, because it is delivered with such force. Our reaction to it shapes our personality in very significant ways. From that flows the false self. Most of the men you meet are living out a false self, a pose, which is directly related to his wound." (Wild at Heart, p. 72)

We have a choice as men -- either overcompensate and become driven or violent, or shrink and become passive or retreating in our masculinity. It's because of the wound -- not because of being a man. But Eldredge warns us, "The wound comes, and with it a message. From that place a boy makes a vow, chooses a way of life that gives rise to the false self. At the core of it all is a deep uncertainty. The man doesn't live from a center. So many men feel stuck -- either paralyzed and unable to move, or unable to stop moving." (Wild at Heart, pp. 74-75)

Take a moment as a man and ask yourself: "Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful?"

If you can't -- or won't -- answer these questions, it is time to ask yourself this one:

"Am I ready to go into battle to win the war for my heart?"

The wound will be in your way. But there is a way through...

Next Week: Wild At Heart (PART 5: The Battle)

Wild At Heart (PART 3: The Question)

2008-12-08T10:27:00.008-05:00

"Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?" (Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart. 2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc., p. 57)

I'm not ashamed to admit it: this question -- THE question -- haunts me in the corridors of power in the castle of my masculinity.

After the fall of man (Genesis 3:1-24), God said to Adam, "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat of the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return. (Genesis 3:17-19 NIV, italics added)

Obviously, this was the curse put upon man in relation to the damage done by sin -- but it also tells us of the power behind the Creator, the awesome force that could -- and would -- breathe life into dust and emblazon upon it the image of God. Such is the real DNA, the historical resume, of man.

In Chapter Three of Wild at Heart, author John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) challenges us, as men, to confront the caricatures our lives have become. Like a lion in a zoo cage, Eldredge ponders what living in a cage, over time, does to the heart of a man. At times, so do I...

"I've been unemployed for six months, and have been living in a homeless shelter for over one month; I haven't a penny to my name." Am I really a man?

"I'm clean and free from the addictive chains of drugs and pornography, but just like in the Garden, the deceitful lure of temptation will someday be placed in my path." Have I got what it takes?

"There will be moments in life when I will have to step up into the genuine power of my masculinity and speak my truth -- as a man and as a Christian. Will I do it?" ...when it counts?

Eldredge looks squarely into the mirror, and asks us to do the same. Am I -- are you -- really a man, a man who is fierce, passionate, and wild at heart? Let us continue our journey, and examine how easily a man created in the image of God, the Lion of Judah, can, as Dorothy Sayers wrote, become a victim to the world who "very efficiently pared the claws of the Lion of Judah," creating "a fitting household pet for pale curates and pious old ladies." Or, as Eldredge says, "How come when men look in their hearts they don't discover something valiant and dangerous, but instead find anger, lust, and fear?" (Wild at Heart, p. 41)

The Lion of Judah??

Perhaps the place a man's heart misses the mark the most is how and where he engages it. What is the battle between a man's fierceness and his fears?

"Without a great battle," Eldredge notes, "in which a man can live and die, the fierce part of his nature goes underground and sort of simmers there in a sullen anger that seems to have no reason." (p. 42)

Created in the image of God, we forget the power of our Creator -- and His purpose for giving us hearts that were made to engage great battles and epic adventures.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:1-2 NIV)

What has happened to men -- is it more desirable to seek adventures or the thrill of the cubicle? Is it more exhilarating to "pass through the waters...the rivers...walk through the fire..." or lose perspective to fantasy football?

Make no mistake: the messages are clear. "So many guys have been told to put that adventurous spirit behind them and 'be responsible,' meaning live only for duty." (Wild at Heart, p. 43)

And, in the end, a man with only a sense of duty in his heart -- with no adventure -- will more than likely go in search of darker paths to follow. For years I struggled against the forces of drugs and pornography -- due, in part, to the fear of following the path of my deepest desires to create, initiate community, and actively seek a relationship with God.

"If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other ways." (Eldredge, p. 44)

And God knows this: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV)

If we are not careful, if we become men who deny and kill God-created desires of our hearts, we may end up in dark places where all we'll know is that something has gone wrong.

Our Fear

"This is every man's deepest fear: to be exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an impostor, and not really a man." (Wild at Heart, p. 45)

We, as men, are made by God, in His image, to come through. All throughout Scripture, God -- in all His incarnations -- comes through powerfully AND faithfully. Do I? Do you? Can I? Can you?

Take another step in front of the mirror -- go on, do it. Ask yourself: "How do I see myself as a man?" Choose a word to honestly describe yourself. Was it strong, passionate, or dangerous? If not, what was it? Would you have the courage to ask other men in your life what they think of you as a man? What would you fear they would say?

The point is, Eldredge reveals, "even though the desires are there for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue, even though our boyhood dreams once were filled with those things, we don't think we're up to it. Why don't men play the man? Why don't they offer their strength to a world desperately in need of it? For two simple reasons: We doubt very much that we have any real strength to offer, and we're pretty certain that if we did offer what we have it wouldn't be enough. Something has gone wrong and we know it." (Eldredge, p. 48)

What Is A Man For?

There have been many times lately when I've asked myself (and God), "What am I doing? What is my purpose?"

The desires of the heart are insightful to how we, as men, are designed -- and from that creative source, as men made in the image of God, the design (or archetypes) of how we are put together as men reveal the paths of destiny we choose to follow...or spend our lives running from.

There is great risk -- as a man -- for me to be all in to the adventure a relationship with God brings to me. As a man, I step into a world at war every day, opposing forces wanting to kill my heart's desire. And in the battle to rescue Eve, the first man -- Adam -- fell to the paralysis of fear and did nothing. He was right there as she was tempted, took the fruit she offered and ate -- yet did nothing to risk, fight, or rescue.

"He denied his very nature," Eldredge tells us, "and went passive. And every man after him, every son of Adam, carries in his heart now the same failure. Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won't risk, we won't fight, and we won't rescue Eve." (p. 51)

What is a man for? I believe that if I can't be authentic, then I'll only end up hiding...from myself, others, and from God.

Posers

In the Garden, after he failed himself (as a man), his wife (as husband and protector), and God (as servant), Adam hid.

"We are hiding, every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we were meant to be, desperately afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes." (Wild at Heart, p. 52)

What, as a man, is your facade? How, as a man, are you faking your way through life? I have many masks, and I can pose my way in -- and out -- of life on a day-to-day mission of sabotaging my authenticity. I can choose to fight only the battles I know I can win, only such adventures my skills are matched to, or only those beauties I can easily rescue.

So, as a man, how do I answer THE question? Am I really a man? As a man, where do I look to find out the reasons why parts of my life don't work? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?

As our journey continues, we shall look at the place we all -- as men -- share in the individual and corporate story of what hurt us. But, in leaving you for now, I bless you with the words of Robertson McQuilkin (President Emeritus of Columbia International University) in a poem entitled, "Let Me Get Home Before Dark."

It’s sundown, Lord.
The shadows of my life stretch back
into the dimness of the years long spent.
I fear not death, for that grim foe betrays himself at last,
thrusting me forever into life:
Life with you, unsoiled and free.
But I do fear.
I fear the Dark Specter may come too soon—
or do I mean, too late?
That I should end before I finish or
finish, but not well.
That I should stain your honor; shame your name,
grieve your loving heart.
Few, they tell me, finish well…
Lord, let me get home before dark.
The darkness of a spirit
grown mean and small, fruit shriveled on the vine,
bitter to the taste of my companions,
burden to be borne by those brave few who love me still.
No, Lord. Let the fruit grow lush and sweet,
a joy to all who taste;
Spirit—sign of God at work,
stronger, fuller, brighter at the end.
Lord, let me get home before dark.
The darkness of tattered gifts,
rust-locked, half-spent or ill-spent,
A life that once was used of God
now set aside.
Grief for glories gone or
Fretting for a task God never gave.
Mourning in the hollow chambers of memory,
Gazing on the faded banners of victories long gone.
Cannot I run well unto the end?
Lord, let me get home before dark.
The outer me decays—
I do not fret or ask reprieve.
The ebbing strength but weans me from mother earth
and grows me up for heaven.
I do not cling to shadows cast by immortality.
I do not patch the scaffold lent to build the real, eternal me.
I do not clutch about me my cocoon,
vainly struggling to hold hostage
a free spirit pressing to be born.
But will I reach the gate
in lingering pain, body distorted, grotesque?
Or will it be a mind
wandering un-tethered among light
fantasies or grim terrors?
Of your grace, Father, I humbly ask…
Let me get home before dark.

Next Week: Wild At Heart (PART 4: The Wound)

Wild at Heart (PART 2: In Whose Image?)

2008-11-28T10:42:00.014-05:00

"If a boy is to become a man, if a man is to know he is one, this is not an option. A man has to know where he comes from, and what he's made of." (Wild at Heart, p. 21)

I came from a family of six children, my place the last in line -- the baby of the family. I came from a father who was emotionally absent yet prone to anger. I came from a mother who was emotionally smothering yet prone to high anxiety. I was made of nightmares and daydreams, success and failure, loneliness and fantasy, intimacy and pornography, faith and drugs, anger and kindness, isolation and courage. I'm still a boy, growing up to be a man -- and I am a man, dying a slow death to the ways of a child.

God knows all this -- and He still loves me. And yet there are many times I look at myself and wonder how I can possibly be made in His image. All I see is the boy or the man -- who I was or who I haven't been. In whose image?

In Chapter Two of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), the great paradox of masculinity is approached, wherein a man knows that he doesn't want to become his father yet then struggles in a search for strength and beauty in the image of God.

Where Do We Come From?

Men are the image-bearers of God...but who is the One whose image every man bears? What is the masculinity of Jesus?

"The Lord is a gentleman?" Eldredge asks. "Not if you're in the service of His enemy. God has a battle to fight, and the battle is for our freedom." (p. 25)

The God of the Bible holds all the archetypes, if you will, that are recognized to be hard-wired into every man: the compassionate and caring individual (a Lover), a strong and powerful force (a Warrior), the focused and responsible leader (a King), and a wise and discerning counselor (a Sage).

In Matthew's Gospel account, we can learn the parts of the truth in whose image we are cast. Jesus told the Pharisees (his enemies), "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' (Deuteronomy 6:5 NIV) This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Leviticus 19:18 NIV)(Matthew 22:37-39 NIV)

As a man, I have been cast in the image of a loving God -- if I have any doubt, I can ask myself one question: "Would I sacrifice my own son in order to reconcile the loss of those I love?" John, in his Gospel, tells us where God's heart is: "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV)

There is little doubt -- we, as men created in the image of God -- are embodied with the capacity to love. As an image-bearer of God, it is our highest calling.

A Battle to Fight

Let us turn our sights upon the image of God as a warrior. Even a cursory reading of the Old Testament reveals God's activity in warfare. The New Testament isn't leaving out His fierce presence, either.

John tells us, in Revelation, "I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice He judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on His head are many crowns. He has a Name written on Him that no one knows but He Himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and His Name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following Him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine line, white and clean. Out of His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations." (Revelation 19:11-15 NIV)

This isn't a nice boy Jesus.

And what of the might Samson, a wild man of Scripture? "The woman gave birth to a boy and named him Samson. He grew and the LORD blessed him, and the Spirit of the LORD began to stir him..." (Judges 13:24-25 NIV) Yet this isn't the Samson we know much about, is it?

As Samson grew, he wanted to marry a young Philistine woman. As he traveled with his parents to claim her as his bride "suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands..." (Judges 14:5-6 NIV)

Through examples such as this, one can see that the Spirit of the LORD was present in Samson -- and, of course, in Christ. It is the fierceness in the heart of God that we bear as part of His image -- a fierceness that many men have either forgotten they own or, for whatever reason, are afraid to engage. But it's there.

What About Adventure?

"What's at risk?"

It could be one of the most challenging questions a man could ask of himself or be asked to answer. Did God ever take a risk? And does He love adventure?

According to Eldredge, "God is a person who takes immense risks. No doubt the biggest risk of all was when He gave angels and men free will -- including the freedom to reject Him -- not just once but every single day." (Wild at Heart, p. 30)

Put simply, God did not have to create us -- He chose to. He simply could have made Adam (and Eve) obey His spoken commands -- instead, as Eldredge notes, "He took a risk. A staggering risk, with staggering consequences. He let others into His story, and He let their choices shape it profoundly." (p. 31)

As a man -- and as a Christian -- I forget from time to time that its' not my story...it's His! And every single time I forget, when I got to that place as a man where I'm convinced it's all about me, God shows up -- comes through -- and demonstrates the truth that He has what it takes.

Also, as my peer relationships develop with men -- and as I examine how God chooses to use me in the necessary unveiling of His story -- I am both fascinated and humbled to be chosen as one of His ambassadors. As a man who follows God (and lives out His image), I am able to see past who I was and look towards whose image I was created to reflect.

"Therefore," the apostle Paul tells us, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciled to the world Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were make His appeal through us." (2 Corinthians 5:17-20 NIV)

Can you glimpse the wildness in God's heart, His sense and love for adventure? What a great sacrifice -- and risk -- not to count men's sins against them -- and for us, as men, to be given such a duty as ambassadors for the Gospel.

"God needs to get a message out to the human race, without which they will perish...forever. What's the plan? First, He starts with the most unlikely group ever: a couple of prostitutes, a few fishermen with no better than a second-grade education, a tax collector. Then, He passes the ball to us. Unbelievable." (Wild at Heart, p. 32)

And, in the end, after risk upon risk, God literally bleeds for us in His heart -- reminding us (reminding me) that we, as men, are capable of sacrificing so much more than we do in order to live out the God-sized adventures calling from our hearts.

Like Children

A.W. Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted." And isn't it like children -- little boys or little girls -- to want to have love bestowed upon them, to be a priority to someone?

As the masculine (and feminine) run deep and wide across God's creation, one can easily see that the image of God is fierce, wild, and passionate. "And this is our true Father," Eldredge writes, "the stock from which the heart of man is drawn. Strong, courageous love." (p. 35)

There is both a strength AND a beauty to man. Remember...God's creation, His image, captures both. Man is captivated by the beauty unveiled in woman because God created Eve to be the crown to the splendor and strength of man. "Adam bears the likeness of God in his fierce, wild, and passionate heart. And yet, there is one more finishing touch. There is Eve." (Wild at Heart, p. 37)

In strength. In captivating beauty. At what point, as men, do we miss the mark -- and the point -- that God wants to be worshiped? As men created in His image, let us continue to examine our role in the search for authentic masculinity with both strength and beauty. As King David said in Psalm 62, "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord, are loving." (Psalm 62:11-12 NIV)

Next Week: Wild at Heart (PART 3: The Question)

Wild at Heart (PART 1: Made Just Like That)

2008-11-21T11:27:00.006-05:00

I'm tired and bored with men who are tired and bored.

I believe that one of the main reasons men fail to step up into healthy and genuine masculinity is that they choose to be ignorant of what's true to their hearts.

I am looking for my heart. Are you?

For the next twelve weeks , I invite you as a man -- Christian or not -- on a journey with me in search of the masculine heart. My inspiration for this particular path of my sojourn is based on the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.)

Read this book. Buy it and read it. Borrow it and read it. Check it out from the library and read it. Eldredge, the founder of Ransomed Heart Ministries (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) and author of many books concerning a man's journey to find himself as made in the image of God, pulls absolutely no punches. As men, he challenges us, we need permission to be the men who were made in God's image, living from the heart He created, not from the lists of should or ought to that the world constantly hammers us into shape with.

Men (and I'm not shy or afraid to claim "I am a man -- made just like that!") are hard wired for adventure -- not cubicles, cappuccino, or cable TV. The authentic masculine is built and designed by God for all the danger, wildness, and spiritual longing deeply embedded into our souls.

Doesn't sound like the Sunday school Jesus? I'm talking about the Jesus, led by the Spirit, out into the wilderness. (Matthew 4:1-11 NIV) And out there, I can only imagine some of the questions, as a man, He might have been asking:

"Who am I?"

"What am I made of?"

"What am I destined for?"

And Eldredge is also asking the hard questions about men in the church. "What is a Christian man? Don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian man is...bored. (Wild at Heart, p. 7)

In my judgment, there have been far too few invitations for me to know and live from the deepest parts of my heart. I am not alone, but I also cannot ignore the invitation God offers through His creation of the masculine heart. He created me, and He created Men. "God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." (Genesis 1:27 NASB)

The foundation of what Eldredge invites us, as men, to look at is what creates the true desires of our hearts and what makes us, as men, come alive. He proposes the major yearnings have been misplaced, forgotten, or misdirected -- but they are still there, hard wired into us:

In the heart of every man is the desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.

A Battle to Fight

"If we believe that man is made in the image of God," Eldredge challenges us, "then we would do well to remember that 'the LORD is a warrior; the LORD is His name.'" (Exodus 15:3 NASB)(Wild at Heart, p. 10)

There is a power in healthy and genuine masculinity, and many of us, as men, have lost that power. Life needs fierce men, for the world heaps wound upon wound on us. The call to battle, for some men, is something they run from instead of run to. The desire still lives in us to answer the call to battle, wherever the fight may be.

Eldredge reminds us that every man needs to know his power -- and discover the fierceness in his God-created heart.

An Adventure to Live

If you want to see an example of men at different stages of acceptance and levels of struggle with their hearts, watch the movie Legends of the Fall, starring Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, and Aidan Quinn. In this riveting tale of fathers, sons, brothers, and men, we can find a display (in Pitt's portrayal of the middle son, Tristan) of what a man can be when he is wild at heart. Adventure, Eldredge tells us, is written into the heart of a man...and it requires something -- a testing of who we are as men.

"Do I have what it takes?"

During the years I've been associated with men's work (through The ManKind Project™ -- http://www.mkpky.org/), this question always brings me to a place in front of life's mirror -- a place that invites me to look past the flesh and into the heart. It takes me to the doorway of desire.

"If a man has lost this desire," Eldredge notes, "says he doesn't want it, that's only because he doesn't know he has what it takes, believes that he will fail the test. And so he decides it's better not to try." (Wild at Heart, p. 14)

And so I ask: What adventure are you not living only because you don't know you have what it takes?

A Beauty to Rescue

A beautiful woman is inspiring to a strong man. Adam and Eve. Romeo and Juliet. Arthur and Guinevere. Aragorn and Arwen.

"A man," Eldredge says, "wants to be a hero to the beauty." (p. 15) It's not just the battle to fight -- a man needs someone to fight for, and the romance of the woman he loves to inspire him.

The passion in our hearts, as men, also comes from our God-created inspiration and model to love. God knew that it wasn't good for man to be alone, so He created woman -- perhaps the pinnacle of His creation, replete with beauty and mystery. Eldredge notes that a woman's heart yearns to be fought for, desires to share in our adventures as men, and holds a beauty she longs to unveil.

We, as men, in power and strength, have what it takes to engage the heart of such beauty.

Way of the Heart

"What if?"

Eldredge, as he concludes Chapter One of Wild at Heart, asks this amazingly powerful question:

"What if those deep desires in our hearts are telling us the truth, revealing to us the life we were meant to live? God gave us eyes so that we might see; He gave us ears that we might hear; He gave us wills that we might choose, and He gave us hearts that we might live." (p. 18)

As a man, do you know you are powerful? As a man, do you know you have what it takes?

The journey continues...let us continue, as men, to seek our hearts.

Next Week: Wild at Heart (PART 2: In Whose Image?)

Who Am I, Anyway? Am I My Resume?

2008-11-13T11:27:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite Broadway musicals is A Chorus Line. In one of the opening numbers, a dancer has a line that has been hidden in my heart for the past 28 years: "Who am I, anyway? Am I my resume?"

For the past 6 months, I've been unemployed. Through the grace of God, I have a certain level of job skills and talents, but apparently so do many other people who are also pursuing the jobs I'm not getting hired for.

Society (and Satan) would stick a variety of labels on me, hoping some will stick: jobless, homeless, penniless, addict, porno freak -- and, yes, even Christian. When I look into the mirror, I see only a reflection of who I am, gazing at the physical manifestation of a living, spiritual presence.

"Who am I, anyway?"

In looking to God, my Creator, and His living and active Word, I can find a more accurate description of who I was -- and have become.

"As for you," Paul tells us in his Letter to the Ephesians, "you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -- it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 2:1-5 NIV)

I challenge you to look into the mirror of God's Word -- do you see your fingerprints on any of what Paul describes?

At one time, all the labels fit. God, indeed, had mercy on me, a sinner. Who I wanted to be for nearly a quarter century was who I was without His grace -- and who I am today, saved only by His grace, is to be a work (created by God for His glory) that will continue until I meet the Lord.

"Am I my resume?"

As I wait faithfully for God to renew my opportunities to work and be responsible, I must look from the mirror, away from the piece of paper a resume is, and towards who it is that God saved me to be.

"And God raised us up with Christ," the apostle Paul continues in his letter, "and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:6-10 NIV, italics added)

As a man, as a Christian, I cannot boast of anyone or anything but the work Jesus did on the cross. Even my future employer will not see that qualification on my resume. Only through grace does God give me the strength and honestly to be who I am -- a sinner saved by grace, through faith alone.

So today I look towards Christ, the author and finisher of my faith. I can answer those questions:

"Who am I, anyway?"

I am Yours, Lord. Thank You for grace, mercy, and love.

"Am I my resume?"

No. And I look forward to doing even more of the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do. No matter where my resume is on His desk, I remain faithful to His call.

Home (less) for Him

2008-11-07T10:49:00.002-05:00

"Do not let your heart be troubled..." (John 14:1 NASB)

After making the transition from a 1-bedroom apartment to the top bunk in a dorm room of a local homeless shelter, I rested in these words of Jesus. I felt like crying -- though in a room with fifteen other men a part of me shamed my heart into silence. The tears, though, wanted birth because I knew the Lord to be truthful. "...believe in God," Christ went on to say, "believe also in me." (v. 1)

What, as a man, do you believe?

I believe that God is fathering me at this point in my life, taking me back to past wounds -- even old places (you see, I've been to this particular shelter twice before in the last 10 years) -- in order to show me the depths of His love, grace, and mercy. I believe that He is taking me on the adventure of a lifetime (and eternity) in order to find the heart He redeemed. Isn't that what a little boy wants from his father -- someone to love him, teach him, protect him, and share the amazing story of growing up together? I believe this adventure can't be found sitting at home (or even sitting in church) -- I must be willing to trust the Lord with all my heart and be home less for Him.

"In my Father's house," Jesus told His disciples in the Gospel of John, "are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2 NASB)

I believe that the place Christ has gone to prepare for me is a paramount reason I should be home less for Him. At the shelter this morning, one of the men I had just met the night before came up to me while I was sitting alone.

"You like the Bible?" he asked.

I smiled, knowing he had listened to me speaking with another man at the shelter (who is a Christian) about a passage in Paul's Letter to the Romans.

"Yes," I said.

"Would you like to talk sometime about certain passages?"

"Of course," I replied, once again knowing that the Lord was preparing a place for me -- with this particular circumstance, space within the shelter to speak to others about God's Word.

It's like men's work. My connection to The ManKind Project™ (http://www.mkpky.org/) also challenges me to be home less for Him. As a man with a Mission (to make manifest the glory of God by serving others with grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness), I seek to connect with my peers in engaging men's hearts and participating in the real time battle of masculine initiation with the goal of changing the world one man at a time.

Recently, I had the privilege and honor of being a Man of Service for the staff of a New Warrior Training Adventure™, a 3-day experiential weekend designed to challenge men to look deeply at who they are and how they consciously (and unconsciously) make life choices. I believe God used this blessing to have me pour out my heart in service because He is ready to pour in an amazing flow of new opportunity into my life -- which is now, as a believer, His home.

I want to be home less for Him. I believe to live out my Mission, I must take the risk each day to go into the work He opens before me. Even as I struggle in my sixth month of unemployment, the eyes of my heart are being opened to His preparation of new places for me to call home.

I want to go home to sub-Saharan Africa to mentor young boys left as orphans when their parents died due to the AIDS epidemic...

I want to go home to the Amazon River Basin and spend time with the villagers that my local church has been ministering to for years...

I want to build a new home from an old building my church owns, turning it into a healing refuge for those seeking freedom from addiction and a new life with Jesus...

And as this journey continues, I want to be homeless for Him -- and invite others to find their home in Him!

Love One Another

2008-10-31T14:14:00.004-04:00

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34 NIV)

All my life, one of the strongest desires of my heart has been to have love -- to be loved and to love. I loved many things as a child: the family dog, the Beatles, performing magic shows for my family, playing the drums, reading The Hardy Boys novels, watching old time horror movies, collecting baseball cards, and riding my bike.

I've been in love many times. These girls/women have names: Denise, Kelly, Stephanie, Karen, Mary, Andrea, Dororthy, JoEllen, Gay, Linda, Miriam, Theresa, Anita, Lori, Megan, Nicki, Patty, Angela, Tabitha, Melissa, Gayleen, Angie, Lisa, Abby, Amy, Carolyn, Anna. To each of them I gave a piece of my heart, wrapped in a desire to love and be loved. In some ways, I imagine I tore off a piece of their heart when the reality of love ended.

As an adult, lost in addiction and shadow, I've loved many things: drugs, sex, pornography, food, anger, isolation, laziness, fear, pride, sleep, self-destruction, quitting, and perfectionism. These love affairs have nothing to do with the true desires of my heart. They are, in many ways, just the opposite -- easy ways out of loving myself, others, and especially God.

"Love one another."

The love Christ commands here is distinct. First, it is sacrificial love, modeled on His love ("...as I loved you"). Further on in the Gospel of John, Jesus teaches His disciples the truth of what He is about to do -- die on the cross in the supreme act of love that mankind has ever been shown. "This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." (John 15:12-13 NKJV)

There are days when, but for a moment, a flash, that in the deepest truth of my heart I know it's a good day to die. As a believer in, and disciple of, Christ, I understand how love -- such a small word bearing inexplicable strength -- could be of such priority. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NASB)

"...if you love one another."

Easier said than done. The apostle Paul, in his letter to the Romans, set the bar: "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." (Romans 12:9-13 NIV, italics added)

My acts of love to the one another's in my life have always fallen so far short of the model that includes sincerity, devotion, honor, spiritual fervor, joy, patience, faith, sharing, and hospitality. I give praise to the Lord for His example -- set in truth and action before the cross, with His death, and empowered through His Spirit following His resurrection and ascension.

Finally, let us -- yes, one another -- hear the words of Paul in his First Letter to the church at Corinth. Keep in mind: Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus, didn't exactly embody love in his early years.

"And now I will show you the most excellent way...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13:1, 4-8 NIV)

As a child of God, as a man among men, I choose love. I open the eyes of my heart today, looking at you, searching for the bridge, embracing the desire to love and be loved.

Yes, Lord -- it is, indeed, a good day to die!

As Raindrops Fall...

2008-10-24T16:00:00.009-04:00

"Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge." (Psalm a6:1 NIV)

These simple words of prayer and need were offered by David, the mighty king of Israel. We all know the story of David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17:1-69), whether we be a slave to Christ or enslaved by sin. As raindrops fall from a cold, gray October sky, I can see giants on the horizon -- and I wonder, even in faith, if I have enough stones left in my pouch or if my aim will stay true at the moment of battle.

As a child, I can recall nightmares of giant shadow figures towering over me, capturing my heart in chains of fear, my screams of terror caught in a place that would not surrender them. As a man, I found out those giants were real, bearing the armor of addiction, pornography, selfishness, and pride. Unlike David, I was not ready for battle, absent of faith, and ran in fear, only to end up captured by the Enemy.

As raindrops fall, I sense the tears of God for all the times He stood waiting to forgive me -- only to turn from the rebellion and sin I chose instead to embrace. O, what grace He has given to me! As the fall winds blow, as the leaves die and tumble to the ground, and as I grow older, I long for times lost and desire times to be. Yet, as raindrops fall, I hear the call of the now, the voice of God's Spirit, telling me "Do not let go of My hand. I will lead you on."

On the horizon, the giants loom, ready to advance in battle against my heart. I have repented of drugs and pornography, so the giants of temptation rattle their swords and thunder their promises of pleasure into the winds of war. I am unemployed, homeless, and penniless, so the giants of shame, fear, and anger stand tall against the light of hope, their shadows an obstacle before my courage. I am a single man, so the giants of loneliness and sadness shield me from seeing my gifts and expend their power in focusing my heart onto what it longs for but does not have. And I am a Christian, a warrior for the Lord, so the armies of Satan, beasts without number, giants so tall as to block out the sun, assemble before me, their only intent being to crush me with sin and have me reject the salvation I received.

As raindrops fall, I want to give up, give in. I want to go back to sleep, hide from the world, be a glutton, chase laziness, worship lust, masturbate, get high, disengage from biblical community, turn my back on men I trust, curse the world for abandoning me, and pretend as if God doesn't care. "Do not let go of My hand."

So the raindrops fall. I await the sun. Let the raindrops fall. I long for the moon and the stars. And the raindrops fall...I am still a child of God, a man among men, not afraid of giants -- I've seen them fall before. "The LORD thunders at the head of His army; His forces are beyond number, and mighty are those who obey His command." (Joel 2:11 NIV)

I turn from the giants on the horizon. Behind me, I see the countless. I see my brothers in Christ. I see my Warrior brothers. I see my strength, my courage, my heart. And from behind me now, I hear His voice saying "I will lead you on."

I turn around, and He is glorified. He is the sun, He is the rain, He is the moon and the stars, and He is the Truth. I fear not the giants, for they cannot be seen past His glory. To war, men...to war!! I drop the stones and the sling as I raise my hands to the King. As raindrops fall, so will the giants.

A Slacker for God's Glory

2008-10-10T11:30:00.002-04:00

In his letter to the Colossians, Paul puts it bluntly: "We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ. For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works in me." (Colossians 1:25-29 NASB, italics mine)

Reading that and looking into the mirror of truth, that pretty much makes me a slacker.

As I turn away from the mirror (who likes looking into there?), I let the thoughts march their way from mind to heart: "You really don't tell as many people what Jesus has done for you, do you? You miss plenty of opportunities to gently warn others of the consequences of sin, don't you? You leave the teaching for someone else to do -- besides, you don't want to accept your own wisdom, do you? And labor? You are unemployed (again), penniless (again), soon to be homeless and living in a shelter (again) -- after all, you're striving just to keep your head above water, aren't you?"

Fighting fear, I step back in front of the mirror. Yep, that's me -- a slacker for God's glory.

George MacDonald, a favorite of C.S. Lewis, also took a gaze into the mirror and summed up the position most children of God find themselves in: "His children are not His real, true sons and daughters until they think like Him, feel with Him, judge as He judges, are at home with Him, and without fear before Him because He and they mean the same thing, love the same things, seek the same ends. For this are we created; it is the one end of our being, and includes all other ends whatever." (Unspoken Sermons)

I have no doubt that Christ entered my heart and life on June 21, 2005. I heard His call to come to Him -- and I answered. I am certain that He has been faithful to begin the mighty work of eradicating and destroying decades worth of sinful living at the false altars of drugs, sex, and pride -- and He will finish this good work. I can check off the "good Christian" list of attributes: baptized √, joined a church √, attend Sunday school √, read my Bible √, pray often √, do good works and acts of service √, tithe √, and share my faith with others √.

As I walk away from the mirror (again), I ask myself: "Isn't that enough?" It isn't long before the heart speaks to the head: "Are you seeking genuine companionship with God -- or just living your life as it seems best to you?"

What's a slacker to do?

I'm glad that the biblical term for leader is Lord. I need Christ's authority, leadership, and direction in my life -- the now of my life. "...striving according to His power, which mightily works in me." On my own, left to living my life as it seems best to me, a slacker is the best I can be, falling short as perfectly as one apart from the Lord will.

But, as I step back in front of the mirror one more time (courage in His power), I see a man who is accepted, loved, and forgiven -- by God, for certain, and -- little by little -- by the man in mirror, more and more as I continue on the glorious path of masculine initiation and the search for my authentic, magnificient heart transplanted by God Himself.

John Eldredge pierces the heart of any slacker for God's glory with an invitation/challenge: "What if? What if those deep desires in our hearts are telling us the truth, revealing to us the life we were meant to live? God gave us eyes so that we might see; He have us ears that we might hear; He gave us wills that we might choose, and He gave us hearts that we might live. (Wild at Heart. 2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc., p. 18)

See. Hear. Choose. Live.

I don't see much slack in that. For His glory...

For more information on men's work at the local level here in KY, please visit The ManKind Project at http://www.mkpky.org/. For further insight into the work of John Eldredge, please visit http://www.ransomedheart.com/. To keep up-to-date with my journey of masculine initiation and men's work, please subscribe to this site (http://www.hisgraceamazing.blogspot.com/).

An Open Letter to Men

2008-10-03T12:49:00.004-04:00

"Be brave. Seek truth. Speak from your heart."

In my morning meditation, these are the words God breathed into my quiet time. When I began to examine myself in their light, I became unsettled. Bravery, truth, heart. As my True Father leads me further along a renewed path of masculine initiation, such words are both familiar signposts and silent warnings. Yet, in my walk with Him, I choose peace -- not fear.

"Be brave..."

Here and now, I seek to live as a man of integrity, accountability, and connection to feeling. Do you? I sometimes look around me at church and see men who are...boring. A love of theology and doctrine, good works and compassion is not, of itself, wrong -- but if I'm brave enough to look at myself as a man (created in His image and likeness), I long to see myself as powerful, authentic, and bold. In Wild at Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), John Eldredge asks and answers: "The Lord is a gentleman??? Not if you're in the service of His enemy. God has a battle to fight, and the battle is for our freedom." (p. 25)

Where are the brave men who live authentically from the heart, who identify feelings with clarity and maturity, and who bring intimacy into their relationships? Where are the brave men who long to support other men in their journey, who are accountable and responsible for their own behavior, and who are living life as a man -- not a little boy in disguise? Where are the brave men who stand in integrity, who seek empowerment over victimhood, who live intentionally, and who are willing to be courageous enough to get clean with themselves and others in search of true forgiveness? Where are the brave men who have a sense of mission, a heart of passion, who live for dreams even though some shatter, and see the beauty and strength of masculinity?

Be brave -- looking into the mirror, you may see that such a man is you. If not, who do you see in the reflection? Created in His image...Where are you going to find this man?

"Seek the truth..."

In his song, The Boxer, Paul Simon speaks about the fight each man must engage: "In the clearing stands a boxer/And a fighter by his trade/And he carries the reminders/Of every glove that laid him down/and cut him till he cried out/in his anger and his shame/'I am leaving, I am leaving'/But the fighter still remains." (© 1968 by Paul Simon)

As a man among men, I am always in the hunt for truth -- and I will have to climb into the ring to fight for it. The world, in case you aren't up on current events (many men choose sleep over vigilance), is a continuum of lies. The One who created me has also declared: "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (John 8:31-32 NASB)

I run from the truth as a man held captive by the world and its lies as much as I seek the truth as a man created in His image. I run from it (or used to) with drugs, pornography, self-destructive emotions, isolation, arrogance, hedonism, laziness, vulgarity over honesty, material selfishness, gluttony, and fear of both failure and success.

Where are the honest men, seeking truth over the plastic smiles and "Everything's fine!!" smiles, seeking truth in their hearts instead of their wallets, and willing to admit they aren't cutting it as friends, brothers, fathers, or husbands? Where are the honest men, seeking truth in the darkest places of their souls, remaining in the fight despite the pummeling blows of the Lie Maker, fighting on in the Name of Truth, in the image and likeness of the One who created them? Where are the men seeking truth who are willing to pull the Arrows out of their own wounds and not fire them back at other men, and where are the honest men who, when pulling the Arrows out, are willing to seek the truth as to who fired them into their heart?

Be honest -- looking at your life, you may discover that such a man is you. If not, are you longing to seek the truth in your life? Created in His image...How are you going to seek this man?

"Speak from the heart..."

In a speech given by Nelson Mandela, the words used from the heart -- spoken by a man and resonating with this man -- give a sense of a powerful voice that has been silenced by an absence of masculine initiation in our culture: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

So, ponder this question: In your life as a man, do you want more? I speak from my heart -- as a man among men, I will go the distance to become wholehearted. My Mission is to make manifest the glory of God by loving me and loving you.

I seek to serve as an individual man with passion and responsibility while serving in communities of men whose goal is to create a safe world. And, from the heart, I accept the call to initiation at the hands of He who created me in His image and likeness.

Are you ready? Men are waiting...

For more information on men's work at the local level here in KY, please visit The ManKind Project of Kentucky, Inc.™ at http://www.mkpky.org/. For further insight into the work of John Eldredge, please visit http://www.ransomedheart.com/. To keep up-to-date with my journey of masculine initiation and men's work, please subscribe to this site (http://www.hisgraceamazing.blogspot.com/).

The Heart in the Cross

2008-09-29T14:17:00.000-04:00

Like many men, I do some of my best reading while on the throne. Today was no exception in my kingdom -- I'm traveling through SHATTERED DREAMS by Larry Crabb (2001: Water Brook Press). And this is what I read:

"If I were her pastor, I would want to preach in the spirit of the New Covenant, inviting Naomi and everyone in the congregation to see the heart of God revealed in the cross of Christ. I would encourage them to interpret all of life's hardships not as problems to fix or struggles to relieve or pain to deaden, but as important elements in a larger story that all God's children long to tell. I would urge them to accept wherever they are on the journey, whether happy or miserable, as the place where God will meet them, where He loves them, where He will continue to work in them. And I would offer my own life as a growing, struggling, sometimes painfully unattractive example of what doing that might mean." (p. 81, emphasis added)

In Crabb's book (subtitled "God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy"), the Scriptural story of Ruth and Naomi is unpacked. As God, my True Father, leads me on a journey of masculine initiation, I am in search of my heart -- not the "old man" heart of continuous sin but the redeemed heart, created anew in the power of Christ, the heart of flesh, the masculine heart beating with the purpose of the Creator. I offer to you who are reading this a question: What about the heart?

A week ago I inquired of the Lord that very question. His answer to me was quick and decisive: "Be strong for Me, be courageous -- and give to Me your heart. You will be stronger through Me than you ever could be on your own. And your courage will have no end through Mine. Give Me all your heart -- the good, bad, and ugly. I will heal it, and I will love through it."

The Lord is calling to my heart! "Then God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness...'" (Genesis 1:26 NASB) I have been made to resemble the Father, Son, and Spirit. So what about the heart? The first mention of "heart" in Scripture comes at the corruption of mankind, when the "wickedness" in man's heart was continual, grieving God in His (Genesis 6:5-6)

I believe, as a follower of Christ, the Christ of the cross, the Christ who redeems and heals the hearts of His believers, that this tells me, as one created in His image, that the heart is meant for good. God's good heart grieved over man's wicked heart, as any True Father would mourn watching the center of His True Son go astray. Each of us as men have elements to a larger story we are desperate to tell -- not only to ourselves, but to each other as men and also to our Eternal Father.

Presently, I am in a Boyhood stage of initiation at the hands of God. He understands that in the past, over many years, I felt missed, wounds were received, and a boy's heart was broken in the war of growing up with a wounded father. "...accept wherever they are on the journey..." Part of the larger story I long to tell my True Father was captured years ago in an article this author wrote for The ManKind Project Louisville (http://www.louisville.mkp.org/ or http://www.mkp.org/) entitled "Is It A Hate Crime To Love Myself?"

"If asked to describe what the war seems like to me, I would say it's constantly a battle of two sides -- one that hates myself against the side that doesn't know how to love...Both sides of the war trade secrets all the time. Casualties are high on any given day. Neither side knows how to win, nor does either army know how to surrender. I sometimes don't want to stop hating myself because all there would be left is this huge bombed-out crater in my soul that would demand peace talks, and then...love. I sometimes don't want to love myself, even when others are loving me, when the peacekeepers arrive and tell me that the war is over...In loving myself I commit no crime...In this war, if nothing changes everything is lost. If I choose the power to change my beliefs of hate towards myself, I open up negotiations towards a settlement between opposing forces. I surrender to the possibility that both sides, even in pain, want peace."

So, another question: "Where, for you, is the wherever on your journey you may not be accepting?" I mean this with all sincerity -- don't look at the men who surround you, whether it be at the office, in church, or in your family. In WILD AT HEART (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) says "The wilderness trial of Christ is, at its core, a test of his identity. 'If you are who you think you are...' If a man is ever to find out who he is and what he's here for, he has got to take that journey for himself. He has got to get his heart back." (p. 6)

I invite you to witness through these postings what growing, struggling, and painfully unattractive looks like to me on the journey of masculine initiation at the hands of God. God will restore me as the Beloved Son. My heart will be healed, strong and courageous, a New Covenant heart in the likeness of its Creator. By His grace amazing, I am ready to believe that there is a place in my Father's heart which no one but me can fill. And that heart -- His and mine -- is in the cross of Christ.

So brothers...men...what about your heart?

The journey continues...

A Letter To My Father

2008-09-22T15:21:00.000-04:00

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge notes:

"Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father."
Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart. (2001). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc., p. 60.

Over the past several weeks, my True Father, God, has invited me to join Him on a journey to discover the new -- and masculine -- heart He created for me. I believe what Scripture tells me: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26 NIV)

It feels as if I've pulled fifty arrows from my heart of flesh recently. I'm no stranger to men's work or the sojourn of examining my own wounded masculinity. At the age of 46, I was given the courage to pull those arrows out of my center and tell my birth father what damage they've done. Even though he died in 1996, the following letter -- written to him just days ago -- is the first time I've articulated such a deep wound in me.

In sharing this with you, I encourage you as men -- whether believers in God or not -- that perhaps the truest map to discovering what our hearts were designed for can only come from the One who created it. My life's verse holds true: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

The journey continues...and He will lead me -- and love me -- through territory and uncharted lands created by Him, for I was created in His image, as are men, to be wild, dangerous, unfettered, and free.

Dear Dad:

I'm writing this letter to you because I'm hurting REALLY bad over my memories of childhood and beyond. There's a lot of sadness and fear and anger over how you fathered me -- AND HOW YOU DIDN'T!

Our last words to each other the night before you died were "I love you." I can't remember you telling me that -- or showing me -- a lot over my life. WHY? Did you love me or appreciate me? Did I matter to you? Where you EVER proud of me? Did you ever care about what made me happy? Why didn't you ever try to rescue me when I first got into trouble with drugs? Why didn't you teach me things I needed to know? Would it have hurt you to encourage me? Why did you hate me so much?

If someone asked me to describe you, I'd say "Well, he did work hard, provided -- but he seemed really unhappy, angry, emotionally distant, unloving, bitter." I can never recall being proud of you. I hated it when you fought with Mom -- always, it seemed, over money, or how one of us kids (all of us?) were useless. Yet you always seemed to pay them all more attention (love?) than me.

I really think a healthy portion of the blame for who I turned out to be rests at your feet. Why didn't you raise me better? You always seemed to have more joy for Mickey, Jeff, and Tim as your sons. What about me? When I was in rehab in 1985, I feel as if you only showed up so that you could get back together with Mom. You didn't care I was hurting so much, how I had gotten so deep into trouble with drugs, had been kicked out of college. You just wanted to make a show of it so that Mom would come home and take care of you.

I know you did things for me, "paid my way" so many times, provided shelter, food, clothes, medical help, education. But I needed you to father me, raise me, love me, show me I was important. I don't have these memories. I hate you for that. No wonder my life has been so screwed up, so much fear, anger, shame, sadness, drugs, sex, selfishness, running away, quitting -- YOU NEVER SHOWED ME A BETTER WAY! You never showed me a father. You never taught me how to be a boy, a man, a son.

I'm also writing to you to tell you I'm no longer an orphan. I've been adopted by a real Father, my True Father -- God. He loves me, needs me, delights in me, disciplines me out of love, teaches me, guides me, is my friend. I'm not even sure if you ever knew Him -- I know you went to church. But you never talked about God with me, either. One more important thing I had to come to on my own. I LOVE MY NEW DADDY!!

What made you the way you were? Why didn't you love us? Why did you have so many children if you didn't have joy for us? I'm like you a lot, without joy -- but sometimes I think I learned all the ways I never wanted to be like you by watching you in hopes that you would become all the things I wanted you to become -- loving, caring, happy, strong. You never did. Why not? What went so wrong?

My new Father wants me to forgive you for all the missed opportunities, the loss of love, and for all the pain you NOT fathering me has caused my life. He wants to heal me in all these broken places in my heart that you did damage to. You let me down so much. You failed me -- when I didn't know you did, when I thought you did, and when I needed you not to. My boyhood suffered because of it. My teenage years were lonely because of it. My young adulthood was a disaster because of it. And my maturity has been deficient because of it. I needed you so much -- and it makes me sad to know you can't father me.

I have given my broken heart to God, my new Father, my True Father. He will heal me. He will love me. I will ask Him to help me forgive you. I will ask Him to heal those painful memories that have hurt me for so long. I know He will because I am His Beloved Son -- He tells me so in His Word. I am sad that you lived so long in pain instead of joy -- I've done the same, but I will no longer live like this. Maybe you learned how not to love me from your father. You were his only son -- I don't know how he hurt you. I will be healed by my True Father for all the hurtful and abusive ways you talked to and treated me. I will be loved to wholeness by my True Father despite all the times you threatened or assaulted me. My True Father is ALWAYS there for me -- He will fill in every gap and empty space you created in my heart and life.

Dad, I let go of you now. You're dead and buried in Pennsylvania -- NOT IN MY NEW HEART IN CHRIST!! I will choose to honor you with forgiveness instead of anger. I will heal instead of hate. And I will be fathered by God in all the ways you failed -- HE WILL RAISE ME AS HIS BELOVED SON! I will be the son you never believed I could be, the son my True Father is proud of, loves deeply, and will never hurt.

Please subscribe to my blog to stay in touch with me on my journey of renewed masculine initiation with God. For more information on John Eldredge, please visit his Website at www.ransomedheart.com. For more information on men's work across the globe, visit The ManKind Project at http://www.mkp.org/. Please feel free to send a link to my blog to men you know -- http://www.hisgraceamazing.blogspot.com/

I Wanted to Kick Satan's Ass!

2008-09-02T11:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I am not drinking/drugging/porning anymore. No need to congratulate me for responsible behavior. I have a bit of pent up frustration in being unemployed -- obviously God has a plan and a purpose (and a job) for me. But it is a bit disheartening not to cut the mustard, so to speak, in terms of being "qualified" to be a janitor or a stockboy. So, instead, I wanted to kick Satan's ass!

Now, I realize that Jesus has already done the job. Praise You, Lord!! But there are days, like today, I wanted to invite the Serpent of Old into the square ring and bust a Rocky Balboa on his already defeated, lying self. Secular as he is, Rocky has always been a hero to me. I've spent 28 years in the ring of sinning with drugs and pornography, and only recently have I understood what the Lord did for ME on the Cross at Calvary. FREEDOM!! But, in return, He wants me to follow Him. John 12:25-26 is good for me to remember here: "He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."

Rocky had some tough opponents: Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn, and Mason "The Line" Dixon. Win or lose, the Itallion Stallion found his heart both in and out of the ring. Of course, Rocky isn't Jesus, and in the battle of Good vs. Evil, I am proud to announce (spoiler ahead for the unbeliever!) that, at the final bell, Jesus stands victorious over Satan. So, I ask myself: "Why do I want to fight the Devil?"

Then it hits me...that's what I've done for the past 28 years!! I've climbed into the ring with him, and he's hit me with his 1-2 combination of drugs & sex. Down goes Fontaine! For so long, I kept getting up, just like Rocky, going the distance, only to wade into the flurry of punches I met. BAM! BOOM! DOWN GOES JOHNNY...AGAIN!! Punchdrunk? Stupid? Bullheaded?

In a way, I believe God has given me not only a "new heart" for Him, but also unmeasurable depths of perseverance. Yes, I keep coming back. And finally...finally...I've understood that I can humble myself before my Lord and Savior to let Satan raise his own arms in "victory" over me. It doesn't matter what the Enemy believes or thinks...he just wants me to keep fighting against him, keep "coming back" to the pleasures of sin, and keep being pummeled into the canvas of the ring time after time after time. I've finally gone all the distance I'm going in my desire to kick Satan's ass...I'm throwing in the towel and embracing my corner man, Jesus Christ!! He loves me, loves my battered and bruised soul back to life, and whispers into my ear, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Now, come follow Me!"

Spiritual warfare continues. I still have to fight against the temptations to climb into the ring at the behest of the Enemy. But in Christ my freedom is eternal. In the Lord my strength comes in humbling myself to hang up the gloves. And in Jesus I can raise my hand in victory, for His glory. His final bell will ring on the glorious Day of His choosing.

Welcome to His Grace Amazing!

2008-07-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

Greetings!

Never one to admit that I would "never" enter the blogosphere, well...looks like I've done it.

So, what do I hope to accomplish through this? Perhaps just a place to share with others this amazing sojourn I'm on with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. OK, I admit...not enough blog space to capture what that means. But, to His glory, isn't that amazing -- that nothing I could say or do could fully do Him glory? Yes, I believe, His grace is truly amazing!!

Not sure how often or how much I'll be here. Not sure how much effort I'll put into the look or the style. Keeping it simple keeps it less complicated.

But I do know that I pray others will check in -- both from recommendations to those I know and from others I do not. One thing you can do if you visit this blog: go ahead and give me an example of where you see God's grace in your life this very day.

If you are a fellow believer in the Lord, great. If you do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ, tell me why that is -- what's keeping you from developing such a relationship?

No flame outs, no war of words here. Won't happen. Grace, mercy, compassionate sharing, and truth -- that's all I have to offer to His glory.

That's all for now! May His grace and peace be with you!