Confessions of a Celibate Man

I am nearly 52 years of age. I am a heterosexual, white, Christian man. And, for the past 10 years, I have been celibate. For those of you who have forsaken the dictionary, it can mean "...the state of not being married..." or "...abstention from sexual intercourse..."

Some of the synonyms for celibate are abstinence or chasteness. On the flip side of that coin, some of the antonyms are debauchery, lechery, or whoring. Pretty black and white...but walking that road for a decade has been anything but black and white.

So I was more than a little surprised this morning when God asked me to write about this, to confess what it's been like to be unmarried and abstient in a society, frankly, that doesn't care about its abysmal divorce rate, the damage done by infidelity to hearts and families, or the tsunami of sexual license that has flooded lives, bodies, and souls without care to the cost or the repair that is always necessary in its wake.

In his wonderful book, Epic (2004: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge brings up a great point: "One of the deepest of all human longings is the longing to belong, to be a part of things, to be invited in...Loneliness might be the hardest cross we bear." (p. 23) When God captured my heart in 2005, I had already left a trail of broken hearts, bodies, and souls (physically & sexually) in my wake. And that wasn't even addressing the bonds of slavery to pornography that still gripped me.

Why this topic? On a popular social network yesterday, a "friend" shared a story link about a beautiful, young (19 years old) woman who killed herself with a shotgun after filming her first porn scene. She was a straight A student with dreams and hopes of making her mark in the world. Obviously - and sadly - it wasn't to be. I commented on the post, recognizing that, yes, it was a sad story to read but it also made me angry that men - especially men who are of God - have failed the daughters of Eve in such contemptable ways, from the church to the home, in not standing up for and protecting the Beauty from such pernicious and destructive forces. 

Could celibacy helped save that young woman's life? Of course it could have. As a celibate man, I am not a freak nor unable to honor my sexuality. Porn is not sex and sex is not love. In my life, I invited two different women to marry me. Both said "Yes," but in the end, both chose to leave me because I chose to destroy my life in front of them instead of becoming the man God created me to be. That was a long time ago - and I am not that man any longer. But celibacy isn't something that I wake up to every morning with glee and shout, "Man, I'm not going to want to be married today or ever have sex again and it's gonna be a great day!!"

I am grateful not to be enslaved to pornography anymore. I am grateful that I have become a better man, that the world is a safer place because I have recovered a relationship with God, myself, and others. I am grateful that I have a stronger heart and a clearer sense of duty as a man in relation to what a woman is and seeks from a man. I am grateful that I can still desire to be a husband and, perhaps, a father before my earthly life turns towards eternity. I am grateful that my heart is open to love - true intimacy with God, myself, and others.

And I am grateful that celibacy is my choice...and that even though, for now, I am alone - I am grateful to not be lonely. I'll wait...I'm worth it and so is the woman who would say "Yes" to such a man.

For more on John Eldredge, his books, resources and ministry, please visit Ransomed Heart.com 

Fierce Personality: A Review of "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldredge

It was December 2010. I arrived at the breathtaking Frontier Ranch in Buena Vista, CO to attend the Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp, led by author, co-founder, and director of Ransomed Heart Ministries, John Eldredge. During the 3-days in the Rockies taking a deeper look and walk with the interpersonal relationship with Jesus, this band of brothers over 350 strong from around the world was intrigued to hear Eldredge and his Ransomed Heart team (Craig McConnell, Bart Hansen, and Morgan Snyder) begin to talk about a new book about the life – and personality – of Jesus.

As 2011 winds down, I was asked to review Eldredge’s latest novel, Beautiful Outlaw (Faithwords, 225 pages), I was actually at a point where seeing that Jesus (or meeting with him in Scripture and more often than not misconnecting) was becoming difficult, labored, without much desire. I wasn’t 20 pages into the book when Eldredge – talking about how essential it was to discover the personality of Jesus…undraped by what might be happening in church or Christianity or churchianity or, worse yet, through the religious haze of what characterized most of what, Scripturally, were the arenas in which most of Jesus’ most awesome heart-to-heart cage matches took place – put a deeper truth on the tip of the sword:

‘What is missing in our Gospel reading – and in our attempts to “read” what Jesus is saying and doing in our own lives right now, this week – is his personality, undraped by religion. Let’s see if we can find this.’

Eldredge, author of such bestselling books as The Sacred Romance (co-authored with Brent Curtis), Desire, Wild at Heart, Waking the Dead, and co-author with his wife, Stasi, of Captivating and Love & War, exhibits courage and boldness deftly blended with a fluid and winsome narrative early on. In the pages of his Introduction, he uncorks a fine bottle of context:
“We don’t need further speculation or debate. We need Jesus himself. And you can have him. Really. You can experience Jesus intimately. You were meant to. For despite the vandalizing of Jesus Christ by religion and the world, he is still alive and very much himself. Though nowadays it takes a bit of uncovering to know him as he is.”

And, sadly, perhaps the drapes measured by most churches to fit the windows looking onto the personality of Jesus miss such things as his playfulness, fierce intention, his human face, extravagant generosity, and disruptive honesty. “The man shoots straight,” Eldredge says in a chapter about the honesty of Jesus. “Sometimes he’s playful; sometimes he’s fierce; the next moment he’s generous. This is the beauty of his disruptive honesty – you can count on Jesus to tell you the truth in the best possible way for you to hear it.” (p. 71)

This is the Jesus many, including myself, have been searching for. I thought I met Jesus six years ago for the first time. Eldredge, with a joyful wit and razor sharp (yet perhaps accurate) sting to some of his projections on the church, invites the reader into the scandalous freedom with which Jesus – as fully God and fully man – lives, the cunning he has (…and, oh man, does he use it, especially against street gangs like the Pharisees…), how his heart overflows with humility, trueness, and beauty, and how loving Jesus – really loving him as he is and is meant to be – letting Jesus be himself with you and through the daily encounters can fill one’s life and be the powerful winds to clear away the “religious fog.”

And the reader is invited to know Jesus in a revolutionary way, and Eldredge’s writing – and the challenge behind the questions – does drive some stakes into ground: Why does false reverence replace loving Jesus? Does knowing about God substitute for knowing God? Why shouldn’t power displays be confused for intimacy with Jesus? Isn’t the stereotypical ‘Christian service’ really just a substitute for friendship with Christ? Does the church offer – or prevail – under a trivial morality? I found Eldredge’s style to be a courageous blend of unvarnished aim for the heart of his readers and the unmistakable revolutionary images of Jesus that have been covered over by so much religious coatings. As the chapters unfolded towards the Epilogue, Eldredge is wistful yet compelling: “I am groping for the words that will somehow move you to hold on to this. The train blows its whistle; the mother chokes up and the father clasps the last handshake ever so tightly, because they know what is at stake. My friends, so much is at stake.” (p. 211)
While others may aim low to find fault with a sense of Eldredge (or other authors) positing solutions for the church if only it would listen and take action, a majority of voices seem to be queuing up to say, ‘Hey, yeah, this is the Jesus I ache to know and am ready to meet.’ In a sense, it’s a Gospel that needs to be read.

In conjunction with the release of Beautiful Outlaw, Ransomed Heart Ministries (http://www.beautifuloutlaw.net/) is offering a free download of a companion 18-part video series for the book, along with a free participant guide for small group study. As Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson) impacted so many men for the battle, adventure, and beauty in pursuing the heart of Jesus, Beautiful Outlaw and Eldredge so brilliantly and bravely challenges that “…a true knowledge of Jesus is our greatest need and our greatest happiness.”

A Look Ahead to OUTLAWCast!

I think about Colorado all the time...even today, walking home from the store in 90+ degree blazing heat, haze in my eyes, I was thinking about being accepted in the lottery for the upcoming Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp (Dec. 1 - 4, 2011 in Buena Vista, CO at gorgeous Frontier Ranch). More will be revealed...not even sure if it's my time to go again. My faith walk, especially this past year, has been tested like no other time since 2005 and Christ's capture of my heart and my sword. When John Eldredge and his awesome Ransomed Heart Ministry team took to the deeper sides of Wild at Heart last year, I came home with deep impact and much warfare against my heart ahead.

So I look forward to several events and invite all of the men reading this post to consider checking out John's live Webcast event. I'll be hosting a small gathering in Louisville, KY on Monday, November 14, 2011 from 7 until 9pm. Contact me at fontaine4christ@gmail.com for more information on attending if in the area.

Get ready for a review of Eldredge's latest book, Beautiful Outlaw. His Grace Amazing has requested an advance copy (publishing date mid-October), so come back for an insight into the playful, disruptive, and extravagant personality of Jesus.

Visit the Website at http://www.beautifuloutlaw.net/ for more up-to-date information on the book, John's live event tour behind it, and more resources. Don't forget you'll find all information about Ransomed Heart Ministry at http://www.ransomedheart.com

Come visit soon for information on how you can support my attending the Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp in December 2011.