Confessions of a Celibate Man

I am nearly 52 years of age. I am a heterosexual, white, Christian man. And, for the past 10 years, I have been celibate. For those of you who have forsaken the dictionary, it can mean "...the state of not being married..." or "...abstention from sexual intercourse..."

Some of the synonyms for celibate are abstinence or chasteness. On the flip side of that coin, some of the antonyms are debauchery, lechery, or whoring. Pretty black and white...but walking that road for a decade has been anything but black and white.

So I was more than a little surprised this morning when God asked me to write about this, to confess what it's been like to be unmarried and abstient in a society, frankly, that doesn't care about its abysmal divorce rate, the damage done by infidelity to hearts and families, or the tsunami of sexual license that has flooded lives, bodies, and souls without care to the cost or the repair that is always necessary in its wake.

In his wonderful book, Epic (2004: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge brings up a great point: "One of the deepest of all human longings is the longing to belong, to be a part of things, to be invited in...Loneliness might be the hardest cross we bear." (p. 23) When God captured my heart in 2005, I had already left a trail of broken hearts, bodies, and souls (physically & sexually) in my wake. And that wasn't even addressing the bonds of slavery to pornography that still gripped me.

Why this topic? On a popular social network yesterday, a "friend" shared a story link about a beautiful, young (19 years old) woman who killed herself with a shotgun after filming her first porn scene. She was a straight A student with dreams and hopes of making her mark in the world. Obviously - and sadly - it wasn't to be. I commented on the post, recognizing that, yes, it was a sad story to read but it also made me angry that men - especially men who are of God - have failed the daughters of Eve in such contemptable ways, from the church to the home, in not standing up for and protecting the Beauty from such pernicious and destructive forces. 

Could celibacy helped save that young woman's life? Of course it could have. As a celibate man, I am not a freak nor unable to honor my sexuality. Porn is not sex and sex is not love. In my life, I invited two different women to marry me. Both said "Yes," but in the end, both chose to leave me because I chose to destroy my life in front of them instead of becoming the man God created me to be. That was a long time ago - and I am not that man any longer. But celibacy isn't something that I wake up to every morning with glee and shout, "Man, I'm not going to want to be married today or ever have sex again and it's gonna be a great day!!"

I am grateful not to be enslaved to pornography anymore. I am grateful that I have become a better man, that the world is a safer place because I have recovered a relationship with God, myself, and others. I am grateful that I have a stronger heart and a clearer sense of duty as a man in relation to what a woman is and seeks from a man. I am grateful that I can still desire to be a husband and, perhaps, a father before my earthly life turns towards eternity. I am grateful that my heart is open to love - true intimacy with God, myself, and others.

And I am grateful that celibacy is my choice...and that even though, for now, I am alone - I am grateful to not be lonely. I'll wait...I'm worth it and so is the woman who would say "Yes" to such a man.

For more on John Eldredge, his books, resources and ministry, please visit Ransomed Heart.com 

Reminding My Heart

Undoubtedly you've heard the phrase:

"What's your gut reaction?"

As I continue on my masculine journey, I am privileged to be a part of the revolution that God has called men to from across the globe...all started when John Eldredge wrote Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson, Inc.).

He also wrote a companion workbook to it called The Wild at Heart Field Manual - which is, as he describes it "like getting two years of therapy for about ten bucks." 

I know I got my copy back in 2009, the year after I first discovered and read his book. I've been working my way through this incredible tool ever since. It's starting to fall apart in some places from use - and it's detailed with various highlighter shades, notes, drawings, pictures pasted in...and, most of all, the deep truth of a man whose heart has been rescued and set free by God.

In the first chapter of the Field Manual, one of the first things Eldredge asks of a man is:

"You've read the first chapter of Wild at Heart - now give me a gut reaction. What struck you? What stirred you, got your blood going?" (p. 6)

Here is what I wrote:

• It made me feel things I'd forgotten about myself as a man.
• I've been looking for my heart all my life!
• What's my destiny?
• I long for an invitation to be the man I long to be: courageous, bold, romantic!!
• I am a warrior, lover, sage, and king!
• Why do I search in me - and other men - for authentic masculinity?
• I've failed many tests...but still believe I have what it takes!
• Wild - Strong - Valiant...waiting to be set free by God?!

I'm in no rush to finish the Field Manual as I continue to walk in the freedom I've been called up into and fought hard to win with God leading the charge. And it's good to check back in on my gut reaction to know that I am finding the deep, true answers to the questions above...and the ones that come from living in the wild territory of a free heart.

For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries - along with a treasure trove of books, CD's, DVD's and other resources - please visit RansomedHeart.com

Walking with God: Conversational Intimacy

In the introduction to his book Walking with God (2008: Thomas Nelson), author John Eldredge starts bold:

"It is our deepest need, as human beings, to learn to live intimately with God. It is what we were made for. Back in the beginning of our story...there was a paradise called Eden. In that garden of life as it was meant to be, there lived the first man and woman. Their story is important to us because whatever it was they were, and whatever it was they had, we also were meant to be and to have. And what they enjoyed above all the other delights of that place was this - they walked with God. They talked with him, and he with them." (ix, Introduction)

What saddens me today is that not only are so many people still so far away from God (Eden to today is one major road trip) but communication today - with all of its technological gadgetry and wizardry - has taken the context of communicating and siloed people from one another in ways that are alarming. 

"Call me." The world is so busy it usually goes to voicemail.
"Text me." Complete sentences and punctuation aren't even required anymore.
"Email me." And the inbox assault continues, piling on, putting people further behind.

God, in his scandalous grace and and fierce glory, wants ME...my voice, my walk, right there in step and Spirit with him. He doesn't give a flip how many apps I have on my smart phone. He doesn't want to wait until I have my emails caught up. He certainly wants to say things deeper into my heart that far exceed 150 characters. 

Only from learning to be still and know - listen - walk with God have I found that what Eldredge says makes sense. Many people (especially in the church) feel that God no longer speaks...or that the only way he speaks to those who love and follow him is through Scripture. I do believe that the Bible is the foundational truth for all in Christ to follow - but to be told that God no longer speaks isn't true or biblical.

'The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.' (John 10:2-4 NIV)

If God is walking, then has he stopped talking?? Not for me...I follow because I have begun to listen...deeply, intimately, courageously and faithfully. Conversational intimacy with God is not only real, but part of our original design and birthright. So, unplug from the PC and the smart phone and the TV...ask him if he would like to walk and talk with you. I seriously doubt you'll get voicemail!!

Strength & Honor!

For more on John Eldredge, his books & resources from Ransomed Heart Ministries, please visit:
RansomedHeart.com

His Love, My Heart

His love for me is pure, more forgiving than I've ever been towards anyone who has wounded me.

There are many ways, and many days, I fall short of the man He wants me to be...when I buy into the lie that I'm unable to love someone just because they don't love me.

His love is revolutionary. It knocks on the door of my heart when:

• I think my pastor is an asshat.
• when I choose porn over the Bible.
• stuffing my belly is more important than prayer.
• it's all about me and never about Him.
• the seasons of selfishness never change.
• I judge and judge those judging me.

When I look into the mirror, what I really don't want to see is my reflection in the cross. I don't want to see how much He loves me, how deeply He's ransomed my heart with His life, how He has replaced a heart of stone with a good heart.

He bore stripes for me. And when my heart cares about someone or something else, I can see a shadow of His deeper wounds on my flesh. And He knocks on the door of my heart, the heart He has redeemed. 'Is there room at the inn for me?'

There are many days, and many ways, I don't want to look at Him or look for Him. I'd rather say something cool on Facebook or wonder when the next e-mail will arrive. I'd much prefer resentment over forgiveness. I'll hide in the middle of life and throw stones when I think no one is looking. And I'll be afraid -- scared of being the man He created me to be.

Far too few are the days when I intentionally go out to walk with Him. I wake up whenever it pleases me. I can ignore suffering and call it surviving. Man, I'd rather be me than you. Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a man when I look at the men I know. Most of the time, because I'm afraid to look at Him, I'll look at the men I know and tell myself they are so much better than me. Or I'll hate them. Or I'll ignore them. He still takes time to knock on the door of my heart...

I don't tell enough people I love Him. I assume my singleness is seen as loneliness. He is the best friend I've ever had. His love for me is embarrassing in its depth, its intimacy, its strength, its endurance. There are many ways, and many days, I've heard His knocking on the door of my heart and turned away, pretended not to hear, turned up the music of my life and waited for Him to go away.

If I'm right, He loved me enough to die for me. If I'm wrong, He loved me enough to die for me. That will always make Him a better man than me. Sometimes I want to open the door and invite Him in, hoping He would stay, stay and not go, stay forever.

Because He loves me, He is knocking.