The Hiding Man

I was recently on a walk home from the local grocery. Coming at me from a distance down the sidewalk by 2nd and Ormsby near where I live were three people...two men and a woman, walking in single file, male, female, male. As I passed them, as is my habit, I looked at them to offer a visual greeting, smile, just noticing. Oddly, the men did not even look up. Wow, I thought, they can't even look me in the eyes. The woman, mind you, was smiling, looked me square in the eyes, acknowledged being seen and seeing me. As I passed them by, I realized that the men were just reminding me about that part of me - the hiding man.

In my life, I've known him well. I know him less now more than ever, but he still can make an unannounced visit in the most interesting of places, times, situations. Yes, not only The Situation can have situations. The masculine journey, for me, has been an incredible journey of such moments. And it made me ask some questions:

"Why do I hide? Why can't I, won't I, look another man in the eyes?" For me, could be guilt, shame, fear. The first story I made up about those two men as they passed me by was that they weren't happy with where they were at or what they were doing. That wouldn't remotely be on my radar of emotional thoughts anytime recently, would it? Again, looking into the mirror on the masculine journey is a fascinating risk that is worth the reward waiting.

At Maximus Heart, we connect, inspire, and battle for deep healing and true freedom within the hearts of men on their spiritual and masculine journey. The Hiding Man, in me, wants to hide because I haven't healed in a certain part of my heart that gives me safety, trust, and courage to be me in front of others. I recognize the hiding man in other men because I've seen him in me.

My encouragement to men is: LOOK UP! See the world as you walk through it. Recognize the other men in your life - where you walk - and know they have their own journey to travel but it is very much like yours in many ways. BE SEEN! As a man, you were designed to magnify and manifest the glory of the Creator - and that is powerful, and much needed in our communities and world!

In my sojourn to and from the grocery, who knows...I might be looking to see if you see me seeing you seeing me!!

If you would like more information on MAXIMUS HEART, please click here.

Frodo Didn't Go It Alone!!

"What I am suggesting is that we reframe the way we look at our lives as men. And the way we look at our relationships with God. I also want to help you reframe the way you relate to other men." (From Fathered by God by John Eldredge - 2009, Thomas Nelson, p. 11)

One of my favorite movies is The Lord of the Rings trilogy of films. If you are familiar with the series, you know that - once the prologue has been presented - the story hones in on what some consider its main character...the hobbit named Frodo Baggins. Each time I watch these epics, I always come away with the sense that in his initiation and masculine journey, one thing is ultimately and most importantly true for Frodo: he didn't go it alone!!

It's absurd for me, as a man among men, to conceive of being initiated alone or traveling the paths of my spiritual and masculine journey by myself. Of course, in both crucibles, there are moments designed for solitude and reflection. This is good - Scripture, of course, bears out many instances where Jesus himself chose to go off alone to a place where he could pray, regroup, rest, grieve...you know, be human.

So, on this amazing sojourn known as the masculine journey, ask yourself a question: "Who is my fellowship? Do I have a company of men to walk with, talk to, trust in, and fight/live/love/play alongside of?" If the answer comes back, "No!" or perhaps, "What do I need that for?" you may look at reconsidering your options. Believe me, I've loved to go it alone in my life...but from this point in my journey, it wasn't wise.

A lot of that came from the pain of agreements I made: such as "I'm on my own and it has to be me to figure life out" or "I can't trust God to show up for me - he's too busy, doesn't care..." I believe what Eldredge is speaking to in the reframing encouragement is to come from that place in my masculine heart where courage meets vulnerability. It is a scary proposition for many men - who know God or don't - to discover that allowing for the fellowship of men to come around him in spirit and truth does really equal having the willingness to change the ingrained patterns of pride or stubbornness or ego of the go it alone myth of being a man. 

Here's a question I found invaluable at that stage I asked of myself: "What if ALL of what I've been seeking - love, wholeness, initiation, courage, living deeply in my calling/mission/purpose, peace, healing and faith is to be found within the fellowship of men...and having God father me?"

In one of the final scenes in the trilogy, late into The Return of the King film, there is a beautiful scene where Frodo awakens after being rescued from the destruction of Mount Doom. One by one, starting with Gandalf, he is reunited with the fellowship of men - his fellowship of men - and the joy keeps growing intensely as they share in the victory of what it took them all to do. Frodo didn't go it alone. God, in his wisdom and love, doesn't invite us to either. 

For more on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart, click here.

To purchase a copy of Fathered by God, click here.

For more on John Fontaine & MAXIMUS HEART, click here.

Confessions of a Celibate Man

I am nearly 52 years of age. I am a heterosexual, white, Christian man. And, for the past 10 years, I have been celibate. For those of you who have forsaken the dictionary, it can mean "...the state of not being married..." or "...abstention from sexual intercourse..."

Some of the synonyms for celibate are abstinence or chasteness. On the flip side of that coin, some of the antonyms are debauchery, lechery, or whoring. Pretty black and white...but walking that road for a decade has been anything but black and white.

So I was more than a little surprised this morning when God asked me to write about this, to confess what it's been like to be unmarried and abstient in a society, frankly, that doesn't care about its abysmal divorce rate, the damage done by infidelity to hearts and families, or the tsunami of sexual license that has flooded lives, bodies, and souls without care to the cost or the repair that is always necessary in its wake.

In his wonderful book, Epic (2004: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge brings up a great point: "One of the deepest of all human longings is the longing to belong, to be a part of things, to be invited in...Loneliness might be the hardest cross we bear." (p. 23) When God captured my heart in 2005, I had already left a trail of broken hearts, bodies, and souls (physically & sexually) in my wake. And that wasn't even addressing the bonds of slavery to pornography that still gripped me.

Why this topic? On a popular social network yesterday, a "friend" shared a story link about a beautiful, young (19 years old) woman who killed herself with a shotgun after filming her first porn scene. She was a straight A student with dreams and hopes of making her mark in the world. Obviously - and sadly - it wasn't to be. I commented on the post, recognizing that, yes, it was a sad story to read but it also made me angry that men - especially men who are of God - have failed the daughters of Eve in such contemptable ways, from the church to the home, in not standing up for and protecting the Beauty from such pernicious and destructive forces. 

Could celibacy helped save that young woman's life? Of course it could have. As a celibate man, I am not a freak nor unable to honor my sexuality. Porn is not sex and sex is not love. In my life, I invited two different women to marry me. Both said "Yes," but in the end, both chose to leave me because I chose to destroy my life in front of them instead of becoming the man God created me to be. That was a long time ago - and I am not that man any longer. But celibacy isn't something that I wake up to every morning with glee and shout, "Man, I'm not going to want to be married today or ever have sex again and it's gonna be a great day!!"

I am grateful not to be enslaved to pornography anymore. I am grateful that I have become a better man, that the world is a safer place because I have recovered a relationship with God, myself, and others. I am grateful that I have a stronger heart and a clearer sense of duty as a man in relation to what a woman is and seeks from a man. I am grateful that I can still desire to be a husband and, perhaps, a father before my earthly life turns towards eternity. I am grateful that my heart is open to love - true intimacy with God, myself, and others.

And I am grateful that celibacy is my choice...and that even though, for now, I am alone - I am grateful to not be lonely. I'll wait...I'm worth it and so is the woman who would say "Yes" to such a man.

For more on John Eldredge, his books, resources and ministry, please visit Ransomed Heart.com 

Reminding My Heart

Undoubtedly you've heard the phrase:

"What's your gut reaction?"

As I continue on my masculine journey, I am privileged to be a part of the revolution that God has called men to from across the globe...all started when John Eldredge wrote Wild at Heart (2001, Thomas Nelson, Inc.).

He also wrote a companion workbook to it called The Wild at Heart Field Manual - which is, as he describes it "like getting two years of therapy for about ten bucks." 

I know I got my copy back in 2009, the year after I first discovered and read his book. I've been working my way through this incredible tool ever since. It's starting to fall apart in some places from use - and it's detailed with various highlighter shades, notes, drawings, pictures pasted in...and, most of all, the deep truth of a man whose heart has been rescued and set free by God.

In the first chapter of the Field Manual, one of the first things Eldredge asks of a man is:

"You've read the first chapter of Wild at Heart - now give me a gut reaction. What struck you? What stirred you, got your blood going?" (p. 6)

Here is what I wrote:

• It made me feel things I'd forgotten about myself as a man.
• I've been looking for my heart all my life!
• What's my destiny?
• I long for an invitation to be the man I long to be: courageous, bold, romantic!!
• I am a warrior, lover, sage, and king!
• Why do I search in me - and other men - for authentic masculinity?
• I've failed many tests...but still believe I have what it takes!
• Wild - Strong - Valiant...waiting to be set free by God?!

I'm in no rush to finish the Field Manual as I continue to walk in the freedom I've been called up into and fought hard to win with God leading the charge. And it's good to check back in on my gut reaction to know that I am finding the deep, true answers to the questions above...and the ones that come from living in the wild territory of a free heart.

For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries - along with a treasure trove of books, CD's, DVD's and other resources - please visit RansomedHeart.com