Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wild At Heart (PART 4: The Wound)


Even decades after it occurred, I can recall with vivid clarity the day my father inflicted the wound upon me.

As a little boy, I was playing soldiers in the apartment we were living in, setting up the green plastic warriors across the floor and furniture of the fifth floor walk-up in the Bronx. I was no more than 6 or 7 years old, my father fast asleep in an easy chair.

At one point in the pretend battle, I launched a "wounded" soldier into the air -- but it flew erratically and hit my father in the face, startling him awake. A look of anger filled his eyes and spread across his face. He called me over to him, but I was afraid -- of him. He said he wasn't going to hit me, and called me over again.

When I trusted him at his word and went over, the hard slap across my face was something I didn't see coming -- I was looking at him with trust in my eyes. As the pain and fear mixed together with the shock of his anger, I took the wound. The hand print on my cheek eventually faded -- the arrow he put into my heart (the heart of a little boy who loved his father enough to trust him at his word) took longer, much longer, to dislodge.

What's your story? What's your wound?

In Chapter Four of Wild at Heart (2001: Thomas Nelson, Inc.), author John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) makes it clear: "Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound. And the wound is nearly always given by his father." (p. 60)

So, let us continue -- as men -- and have the courage, perhaps, to see the wound, name it, or even go so far as to begin the healing by finally pulling the arrow out.

A Man's Deepest Question

Remember the question?

"Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?"

According to Eldredge, as a boy looks for a man (most likely his father) to bestow masculinity upon him, he will ask -- as children do -- a very important question:

"Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful?"

"Miss that moment," Eldredge says, "and you'll miss a boy's heart forever. It's not a question -- it's the question, the one every boy and man is longing to ask. Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they've been given." (Wild at Heart, p. 62)

Every son wants to hear the answer from their father...every son. Even Jesus.

"As soon as Jesus was baptized, He went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on Him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:16-17 NIV)

Is that the answer you received?

Where Does Masculinity Come From?

As stated before, masculinity is bestowed.

"A boy learns who he is and what he's got from a man," Eldredge notes, "or the company of men. He cannot learn it any other place. He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women." (Wild at Heart, p. 62)

From experience, I can attest to this truth on several fronts.

As a Christian man, I see clearly in the Word of God how Jesus looked to His Father for guidance and direction -- biblical masculinity I would call this.

The Gospel of John bears the evidence. "Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He does." (John 5:19-20 NIV)

John goes on to chronicle other declarations of bestowed bonds of Father and Son biblical masculinity:



*"I and the Father are One." (John 10:30)

*"If you really knew Me, you would know My Father as well." (John 14:7)

*"Believe Me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me..." (John 14:11)

*"...but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what My Father has commanded Me." (John 14:31)

*"If you obey My commands, you will remain in My love, just as I have obeyed My Father's commands and remain in His love." (John 15:10)

*"I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father." (John 16:28)

*"Yet I am not alone, for My Father is with Me." (John 16:32)

From the beginning, it has been the plan that a father would build the foundations in a boy's heart. As men -- with the wound -- we know that the foundation, if not damaged, has been severely compromised.

From Strength To Strength

"Femininity," Eldredge reminds us," can never bestow masculinity." (Wild at Heart, p. 64)

He is right, and men know this. True, all boys are birthed into this world and nurtured by their mothers. But, Eldredge says, "there comes a time for a shift when he begins to seek out his father's affection and attention." (pp. 63-64)

At this point, the mother becomes the moon and the father becomes the sun in a boy's universe. Many women possibly seek a boy's attention or devotion to fill a gap in their world left by their inattentive husbands (this also was the case for me). But, Eldredge notes, "Masculinity is an essence that is hard to articulate but that a boy naturally craves as he craves food and water. It is something passed between men." (p. 66)

And what is passed is blessing.

Robery Bly, the renowned mythopoetic author of Iron John, notes, "The ancient societies believed that a boy becomes a man only through ritual effort -- only through the 'active intervention of the older men.'" From my own experience in my life -- and the missing pieces of blessing from my childhood -- I know that a father or other man or men must intervene...and the mother must let go -- or be let go of.

At the age of 34, I was finally blessed with initiation into masculinity. The ManKind Project™ (http://www.mkp.org/), through the New Warrior Training Adventure™, took the place of what masculine blessing my father failed to bestow on me -- and powerfully intervened in my life to test me and initiate me into authentic and archetypal masculinity.



What I've found in men's work -- with active involvement from 1996 through 2002 in MKP, and a return to men's work this year -- is a community of men who are actively healing the wounds of boyhood...and becoming safer men in the world. And in the work, men -- either father's themselves or single -- take on and develop healthier and stronger attributes of fathering that may have been missing in their own past.

"A boy's passage," Eldredge explains, "into manhood involves many of those moments. The father's role is to arrange for them, invite his boy into them, keep his eye out for the moment the question arises and then speak into his son's heart yes, you are. You have what it takes. And that is why the deepest wound is always given by the father." (Wild at Heart, p. 68-69)

The Father-Wound

"He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by His wounds you have been healed." (1 Peter 2:24 NIV)

The wound is inevitable -- and the wound hurts.

"Some fathers give a wound," Eldredge states, "merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence is deafening." (Wild at Heart, p. 71)

I can only imagine how Jesus, the Son, felt at that moment on the Cross when God, the Father, was silent.

"From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice 'Eloi, Eloi, lamasabachthani?' -- which means, 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?'" (Matthew 27:45-46 NIV)

Even Christ, the LORD, received a wound from His Father -- and felt the pain of what it was like to be without the Father at a critical moment. But even with what Jesus felt and experienced, Scripture reminds me of what was done for me -- a man, a sinner -- by the sacrifice of a man taking on the wounds.

"Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered Him stricken by God, smitten by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:4-6 NIV)

As human men -- though created in the image of God -- we are subject to the wounds which we receive and, paradoxically, can only be healed by the sacrifice of what Jesus did in taking the wounds -- our wounds, my wounds, all the wounds -- which God the Father, due His position and authority, rightfully could have placed upon us as consequences of sinful hearts.

"The assault wounds are like a shotgun blast to the chest," Eldredge says. "This can get unspeakably evil when it involves physical, sexual, or verbal abuse carried on for years. Without some kind of help, many men never recover. One thing about assault wounds -- they are obvious. The passive wounds are not; they are pernicious, like a cancer. Because they are subtle, they often go unrecognized as wounds and therefore are actually more difficult to heal." (Wild at Heart, p. 70)

And so it has gone, men to men, fathers to sons -- the wounds are given, and the wounds are received.

The Wound's Effect

So, as a man, what can I do with the wound?

I'm not alone -- all men carry a wound. Most know it's there but don't know what to do about it. Some ignore it, acting out of its pain across their entire lives. Others discover the wound, name it, and go forth towards a path of healing.

"So there is no crossing through this country," Eldredge observes of the landscape between being a boy and becoming a man, "without taking a wound. And every wound, whether it's assaultive or passive, delivers a message. The messages feels final and true, absolutely true, because it is delivered with such force. Our reaction to it shapes our personality in very significant ways. From that flows the false self. Most of the men you meet are living out a false self, a pose, which is directly related to his wound." (Wild at Heart, p. 72)

We have a choice as men -- either overcompensate and become driven or violent, or shrink and become passive or retreating in our masculinity. It's because of the wound -- not because of being a man. But Eldredge warns us, "The wound comes, and with it a message. From that place a boy makes a vow, chooses a way of life that gives rise to the false self. At the core of it all is a deep uncertainty. The man doesn't live from a center. So many men feel stuck -- either paralyzed and unable to move, or unable to stop moving." (Wild at Heart, pp. 74-75)

Take a moment as a man and ask yourself: "Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful?"

If you can't -- or won't -- answer these questions, it is time to ask yourself this one:

"Am I ready to go into battle to win the war for my heart?"

The wound will be in your way. But there is a way through...



Next Week: Wild At Heart (PART 5: The Battle)

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