2008 when God first put this book into my hands. It had a deep and resonating impact upon my life and my walk with both Christ and an unfolding Mission to battle for the hearts of men -- mine included.
through His grace, I was selected to have a spot in the March 2009 Boot Camp. In the end, I was one of 452 men from around the world who came to Colorado...men from almost every state in our union, as well as other corners of the globe -- Italy, Germany, England, Australia, Switzerland, Spain, South America, and other corners of God's creation.
journey, so I thrilled to the take offs and the landings, and loved looking out my small window on such a glorious sight as flying above the clouds, like on the wings of eagles! I arrived at Denver International Airport on Thursday morning, with several hours to go before the shuttle buses would take men on the 2.5 hour journey west to Crooked Creek Ranch. I remember the joy of finding my luggage had arrived at DIA and then feeling an intense fear creep over me: "Now what are you going to do?" I slipped Satan a silent "Forget you very much" and pulled my copy of Wild at Heart from my backpack. I had an idea...
to him, my copy in hand, and held it out. He looked up and smiled at me; I returned his gesture, and so met Tom from Texas. I stretched out my duffel bag luggage in front of me and laid my copy of the book on top. It became a dude magnet, a beacon for men in the fog of airport life! Men started to gather -- and this spot was one of several going on in the terminal waiting area.After nearly two hours, the gathering joined forces...hundreds of men were standing about, introducing themselves to each other, talking about Wild at Heart, sharing experiences about how they found John's book, and what they were looking forward to from God in the journey ahead. At one point, these two young college-aged young women approached me and asked, "What are all you guys doing here?" She was an activist for Amnesty International, so for the next few minutes I shared the story of Ransomed Heart Ministries with her and why we had all gathered together for the Boot Camp. She was young, very beautiful, wide eyed, and amazed that such a book existed for men.
off to war! Men from different walks of life offered up the seat next to them to another stranger, and just like in a foxhole before the war gets going, there was nothing to do but tell stories. I sat next to a young man from Ohio named Nick. His story is his to tell, but it was incredible to hear how God was working in his life -- and how deeply John's book and the message that it gives to men had impacted him. Our journey from the airport, past Denver, and out into the Continental Divide was one of connection and truth. We sat in awe as God unfolded the majesty of His creation before us as we closed in on Fraser and Crooked Creek Ranch.
feet...8,000...one read over 9,000. The switchback roads leading into Fraser were incredible serpentine curves that plugged my ears with pressure and see-sawed my stomach with more fear. "Who do you think you are?" the voice kept saying. "Fake. City boy thinks he's Jeremiah 'effin Johnson. No turning back now." Even though it almost made me sick, I closed my eyes and pictured the Christ of the Cross standing over Lucifer, grinding his sandal on the neck of the fallen angel, the Enemy of God crying out in pain, begging it to stop. "Yes," I pictured myself saying, looking at the Lord thoroughly enjoying this moment of inflicting pain and suffering, "I know. There is no turning back now."
grandeur and majesty of the Colorado Rockies. It was an overcast afternoon when we arrived on Thursday; snow from a recent blizzard was still on the ground. The men were unloaded from the shuttle buses and others, who had driven in on their own, gathered with us in the Bear Claw Lodge building for registration.
Band of Brothers. And standing next to me I felt God's gentle presence, like His gentle voice in my heart was saying, "Johnny, your blessing this man is important to Me...and to him. Thank you!" I went off to find my lodging with a smile on my heart, but somewhere deep in the back of my mind I could still hear the Enemy whining, spiteful and jealous. "Big 'effin deal. Bart Hansen. No one gives a flip about you. All these guys here are friends. You're the outsider. Go hide!" I looked at the logistical map given to me -- I was to lodge in Timberwolf.
neighboring states. We unpacked our gear -- and I was fortunate enough to be graced with a bottom bunk. In February of this year, I had left a homeless shelter here in Louisville, where I had spent months living in a "dorm" facility with many bunk beds. The Enemy didn't skip a beat. "Nice digs," Satan mused. "Haven't come that far from the 'effin shelter, have we? Hell," he laughed, "you didn't even pay your own way out here. Had to beg for help, didn't you? Thought it was grace that foot the bill? What an 'effin loser! Go ahead, see what I put into the luggage. Go ahead, unpack it all."
and how graciously he bestowed thanks and blessings upon me for being impacted by his part in the Ransomed Heart ministry. When we finished talking, Morgan offered me a hug, welcoming me to Boot Camp and affirming the journey I had taken with my Band of Brothers. A part of me wanted to run, while a totally different part of me needed and wanted such affirmation. Little did I realize that the stage was being set for God's walk with me over the entire 4 days...
How do you feed 452 hungry men? With the absolutely military precision staff of the Crooked Creek Ranch's dining hall, the Bull Moose Lodge! Most of the wait staff are young teens in for the weekend on a volunteer basis. And with a hall full of hungry men, this group wasted no time in bringing out everything. All meals (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) were served family-style, with each table getting everything they needed. Throughout the entire Boot Camp experience, I never witnessed a lack of service from these young men and women. They were outstanding!! The food at Crooked Creek was awesome, delicious, well balanced and buoyed by the amazing attention given to us at every meal. All of the sessions were held in the Avalanche Lodge building. Inside was an amphitheatre-style seating area, at the bottom of which sat a lighted stage. In one corner of the stage sat a sword rack, complete with five various types of battle swords. The only other accouterments to the stage area were a small wooden stool and a portable metal podium.
stage, the messages hammered into my body by a kick-ass sound system.
greater dangers that were lurking within me. As I turned to look back at the Ranch, with all of the lodge buildings lit up, and the echoes of distant conversations between men reached my ears, I felt like I was 18 again -- my first night on a college campus, alone, looking off at all the dorms lit up with people, parties, and possibilities. "You are alone, you idiot," the Enemy came in to say. 
A question was asked: How different is the life I'm living from the life I want to live? The intent behind the question was to examine the freedom I have in God...and the challenges of being
authentic in my masculinity, not some "nice boy" the church would have me to be or "cartoonish" in the way the world depicts what a man should look like.
Friday - Afternoon Session
And then the Enemy chimed in: "This is all bull____. John and his team are bull____. The men around you are bull____. God is bull____, or are you too afraid to admit that, too? What are you doing here? It's all review, just a puffed up book study, just the same crap you spoon fed to those seven men in Louisville, none of which made a difference anyway. What are you doing here? Why are you here? Check out. Go ahead. It's not going to make a difference. It doesn't matter. You don't matter...do you? Or are you too afraid to admit that, too?"
And the feeling behind those words was like permission granted, full steam ahead. So I railed against God in the quiet grandeur of His majestic creation. I cursed, I spat, I hissed, I wailed, I moaned, I pitied, I cried, I called out The Wound, and I mourned. And, in the end, in the wake of all that, I opened the arms of my heart. "Come to me here, Father," I asked God. "Come hold me in this place and tell me You love me, that you'll Father me. How will You handle my heart?"
better than you," the Enemy confirmed. "They have a ministry. You just play like you're a part of their message. See, they are talking to everyone but you. They don't give a flip about you."
and a brilliant sense of humor. He, too, felt blessed that I was able to share my experiences with the book study with him, and he gave glory to God that he had been able to play a role in such an important kingdom venture.
that are true in the heart He has redeemed? Will I give into and believe the messages of The Wound?
Him to speak to me, to reveal to me my name, the one He meant for me, and with that who He thought I was as a man.
and constantly rewrite the Story -- in favor of the Enemy and his role. Deep agreement is the work of the Enemy...and he'll bury each and every agreement with Wounds, so I can't/won't get to it in order to break it.- I'm not worthy of acceptance or love.
- I'm not powerful to fight...anyone, anything, anywhere.
- I'm an addict. Always was, always will be.
- I'm a pornographer.
- I'm totally irresponsible with money.
- I'm not a good friend.
- I'm not a good man.
- I'm an unemployed lazy bum.
- My dreams don't matter.
- I'm better, smarter, etc. than everyone.
- I'll never matter.
- I'll always be alone, without love.
- I'm less than, I'm apart from.
- I'm unloved by You, God.
In the room, the presence of God was felt as John and his team led the 452 men present into deep and powerful prayer -- prayer that asked God to come in at our invitation and help us break the fresh agreements and to give us discernment to recognize the historic agreements in our lives.
There filled my heart the echo of tears, men surrounding me in prayer, in power, the presence of the Father, coming in as invited to heal, to place His authority upon our
prayers, to break the agreements that His men have made in the past, in the now. The silent and spoken words of prayer surrounded me, filled my ears, blessed my heart. It was difficult to step into, but I knew that God Himself was present among us in the Spirit, working, fighting, at war with us, before us, behind us, around us.
The Mission for Me
And so the session moved into Mission -- God has a Mission for me...how do I find it?
It came down to simple clarity: Desire is key, there is risk involved, and it can't be done 
unless I walk with God.
I learned from opening my heart and mind to the Ransomed Heart team, listening to Bart Hansen unpack this part of the Wild at Heart message, that The Wound and the opposition of the Enemy 
will come against whatever desire I have or God intends inside my heart. Resignation will write a Small Story of Desire. And I don't want that...but questions were raised: "What have I done with my desire? Where has resignation killed my desire?"
I learned that risk is synonmous with adventure! Good and necessary risks toward the goal are required, and also part of the masculine initiation at the hand of God. It was refreshing to hear that there are levels of risk bringing adventure: casual, crucial, and critical...and what the Enemy doesn't want to hear and what God is shouting into my masculine heart is "I'm dangerous for good!!" Part of me laughed, along with other men -- realizing that some or most or all of our churches also don't want to hear that.
God invites me into the risk-taking adventures of life. "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better." (Ephesians 1:17)
And what about walking with God? (Note: John wrote a book last year entitled "Walking with God," one which invites me, all of us, to walk with Him, talk to Him, and listen for His answers, for they come. Really!) Desire, I heard from the team, will lead me to God's Mission for Me. My risk has to
involve trust with God -- and I must invite God in to Father me, to initiate me, to walk with me! There are no shortcuts to the affirmation of the Father -- He will provide it, but I must be willing to stay with the questions and wait for His answers!
And as the morning session ended, we were given our leave with some more questions to take to God: "What makes me come alive? Where would You have me risk? How have You been a part of my desire?"
I had no way of knowing what was ahead, where He would ask me to go to begin this dialogue, to walk with Him, to hear His answers to my questions...
The Mountaintop
John and the RH team gave us hours to go off in covenant silence to contemplate our desire, and to seek God's face as to what He has for us in terms of Mission. So I headed off to a part of Fraser Valley I had peeked into on a walk early Saturday morning.
At dawn's early light I had discovered a trail head down on the landscape behind the outer edge of Crooked Creek Ranch, and when I had originally entered it, my heart began to race. "You 'effin idiot," the Enemy told me. "What if you run into a bear out here? What are you going to fight him with, your intellect? Your savvy? Your New York street sense? Nice going, ____head. Turn around. Go back to Mommy. Go back to safety, what you think you know."
As the journey progressed on that morning walk, I pushed aside that voice and invited God in. And what I heard was clear: "Come, follow Me. Listen to me. That's it, keep walking. Keep your eyes on Me. And breathe, Johnny...keep breathing!!" I finished that walk before breakfast
further into the woods leading along the trail going up into the mountains, at a plateau well above Crooked Creek, which twisted and turned and churned with snow melt water far below me. At one point I stopped and asked God, "OK, now where to?" There was no answer, so I went back to the Ranch, to eat breakfast, and to enter into the morning session.
So, as I left with those questions posed by Bart, I asked God, "You want me to start where I left off?" And my feet seemed to float as my body moved back down the hillsides behind the Ranch and out towards the trail head, walking into the forest with confidence, scoping the terrain, not caring that a light rain was falling. I was dressed comfortably for the elements, and accepted the risks of the adventure that was ahead.
And so I walked, hiked, climbed, and followed God higher and higher up. At one point, I heard the call of geese in the air, and looked up to try and spot them. God laughed and spoke: 
"We're pretty high up here, Johnny. Look down." And so I did -- I had climbed so high up the mountain that the geese were flying at elevations below where I was standing, and what I thought was mist was really lower flying clouds. Fortunately, we had been instructed to hydrate well before our journey out to Colorado; I was well hydrated. The slopes were covered with wild sagebrush, and I would stop every once and a while and pull great handfulls of the wet and aromatic leaves off, rub them in my hands, and inhale the pungent and invigorating smell of the resin into my nostrils. It would clear my head at the altitude (well above 9,000 feet and approaching 10K) that I must have been at.
Parts of the trail, in the rain, were dangerous. Footing was possible on some locales only by decision and choice. A tumble to the left, in some areas, meant certain injury, possibly death from such a fall. And all around me was beauty, majesty, God Himself walking me through what must be a simple brushstroke of His creation, and talking to me deeply in my heart.
I could hear my heart alive for Him...for truth, for purpose, for Mission. On that mountaintop, He altered my Mission: My Mission is to manifest the glory of God by going to war for the hearts of men!! I could see the risks He was asking me to take...to return to Louisville, to keep
pressing on with the Wild at Heart message, to keep fighting in the men's ministry of a dying church, to stay sharp and focused as an initiated man in The ManKind Project™, a non-profit men's work organization I'm affiliated with and was initiated into back in 1996 and had returned to after a 6-year absence after reading John's book. And in the desire to not want to leave that mountain in the Rockies, but to keep climbing, to keep searching, to keep exploring, to keep discovering, to keep hunting for my heart and His face, I knew that in turning around and making the trek back to Crooked Creek Ranch, back to the sessions, and back to the men who were with me, I was being shown such a magnificient picture of how God has been the Author, the Creator, the Sustainer, and the Redeemer of my desire, His desire within me, and the heart He created and rescued and ransomed!!
With both joy and such a tender bittersweetness, I turned from the mountaintop and headed back down into the valley, a part of my transfigured.
Saturday - Afternoon Session
This wasn't going to be enjoyable -- it was time to talk about The Beauty and how a desire of a man's heart is to rescue her. "Perfect, you 'effin loser," the Enemy said as I entered the 
Avalanche Lodge, exhausted from the hiking trek, "you have no woman in your life. The only woman who will have you are those two-dimensional harlots you lust over on the Internet. You are such a man, aren't you? Listen close, loser -- you might pick up some more pointers about the man you'll never be. Hah!"
And so I gave myself to prayer and focus. John began talking about how Adam chose Eve over God...and how that if a man isn't intimate with God, The Beauty will be looked to for validation.
And there is danger in taking that trail. The danger in taking The Question ("Do I really have what it takes to be a man?") to The Beauty, to Eve, to the woman in our life, is that the power cuts both ways...a woman can validate (if I'm looking to her for an answer) or else "fail me" on the report card
of how I shape up as a man. And the validation is crippling if I don't receive it -- and addictive if I do get it.
Eldredge offered a warning, a danger sign: Don't take The Wounded Heart to the woman. Like Adam, I surrender something of my strength as a man when I go to The Beauty for healing. "Ah ha," I thought, silently taunting Satan, "that's why I go to porn, to masturbation, isn't it. You lying piece of ____!
And, once again, it was time to invite the presence of the Lord into our midst for the power of prayer, and to go to war for our individual hearts that He wants to use for His glory. It was a time to pray for RESTORATION...
- I must take the integrity of my sexuality back -- I must turn from all temptation.
- I must ask for forgiveness -- I must choose to present my body and sexuality, my mind and my imagination to God.
- I must ask for God's cleansing of all of me -- I must long to bring it under the authority of Christ, and renounce all of the immorality I have chosen in the past.
- I must break the agreements made -- I must honor God by asking Him to reveal them and invite Him in to break all of them.
And so what does a woman want, what are the desires of her heart? A man to fight for her, to be a partner in her Battles. She desires a man that will sweep her up into Adventures, not just leave her 
behind as he goes off to live out his...she desires to be an equal in them, to be a reason for them. And, in her beauty, her mystery, her creation, her sexuality, she desires to be revealed, delighted in, seen, unveiled, loved. As a man, God is initiating me and inviting me to offer Eve my strength, to be tender with her Wounded Heart, and to be absolutely fierce against her Enemy.
So, before dinner, and with time before our evening session, another question: "As a single man, what kind of man do I want to be?"
A Dude Flick
Crooked Creek rocks! For Saturday night, John and his team wanted to debrief, take some down time, spend it with each other, and give us men...452 strong...the opportunity to kick back, throw down some popcorn and soda, and enjoy a dude flick...Kingdom of Heaven, starring Orlando Bloom and Liam Neeson.
I was exhausted from two hikes that day. I thought "Well, maybe not." The Enemy said, "That's right, go back to the lodge. Crawl into bed. Hide." So I laughed at his lies, and went out, got
my popcorn and soda (the Ranch staff had popped over 500 boxes of popcorn for us and put out all these bottles of Coke products to wash it down with), and took my seat to enjoy a movie I'd never seen before.
The messages inside Kingdom of Heaven spoke to all that John's message in Wild at Heart seemed to resonate with the men...a Battle to fight, an Adventure to live, and a Beauty to rescue. Wrap it all up with a story of redemption and salvation, and spiritual warfare, and the glory of God in His majesty and purpose. What little breath I thought I had after a long day was taken away in the joy of watching a movie with so many men of God surrounding me.
I went back to Timberwolf Lodge...joyously tired, gloriously open to God, warmly engaged with as much as I could encounter with so many other men on the same path...and not wanting the dawn to come because I knew it meant the road to the end of Boot Camp.
Sunday - Morning Session
"Now what?" John Eldredge asked us. "Then what?"
We had spent some time--on both Saturday and now again on Sunday morning -- singing praise 
and worship songs. No, not from the Baptist Hymnal, but powerful and contemporary praise and worship songs that were just as beautiful, just as meaningful, and opening me up to an outpouring of song that my lips offered up in praise to Him!
And then the session turned to Fathering, to initiation...and my heart was alive and so in tune to Him!
I find that there is such a deep desire and craving for a Father in my life, for my initiation as a man -- even at the age of 46 -- to continue, to deepen, to greatly impact me and my walk with the Lord. So I was asked another question: "Where do I need fathering right now in my life?"
- I need a father who will be my teacher.
- I need a father who will show me how to take my place in battle, to train me as a warrior.
- I need a father who will give me affirmation in my overcoming all the temptations that come against me.
- I need a father who will love me.
- I need a father who will initiate me into leadership, who will show me how to guide others.
- I need a father who is going to be present, open, emotionally authentic, and someone who will go on adventures with me.
I didn't want to recognize the sadness on the horizon of leaving later that day, but I also had the deep realization that Jesus is reconciling me to the heart of His Father, my Father. Even in a deep place of question...Will I ever be shown The Beauty to rescue?...I had to realize that I will go to the 
Father for my answer.
And the Father will train me...The Question is most often answered through training scenarios. And the training for war comes in the training with weapons...and a Warrior for Christ has the full armor, including the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God.
"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:18)
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ther is one body and one Spirit -- just as your were called to one hope, when you were called -- one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through alll and in all." (Ephesians 4:1-6)
"...because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" (Romans 8:14-15)
"Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.' So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." (Galatians 4:6-7)
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you..." Jesus replied, "If anyone loves Me, he will obey My teaching. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him." (John 14:18, 23)
"Johnny:
Of all my sons, you are the one I love the most -- and I missed so many opportunities to tell you this, to show you this, and to teach you how to love yourself and others in return.I am so proud of you, son -- for who you are, for not giving up altogether, for fighting your way back. I didn't know how to be there for you -- and I don't want to be that man anymore."
Before we left for more covenant silence time with God, I wrote down this brief poem:
Broken so deeply / healed so strongly. A father lost a son / a son has found his Father. Jagged or smooth / my heart is Yours, God. Shape it as You desire...
My Letter to God
Before we were to meet in our final session, I spent some time on the hillsides behind the Avalanche Lodge, looking for stones to bring back to my Band of Brothers in Louisville as touchstones of my journey to Boot Camp -- and I spent some time writing another letter to my Father, to God:
"Father God:
All of this is so familiar, and yet so foreign. Why do you love me? That's my question to You -- now how, but why? Why me, Father? Will You show me why? Will You be my Father, the one I always wanted, the one I never had, the one I really need? Will you initiate me as Your son?
So many questions. Where are all the answers, Father? Show me, teach me, love me...I do 
not know how to forgive. O Father, unharden my heart -- towards me, towards You, and towards others. Where have You been? And why has it taken so long? In every way, I need my question -- The Question -- answered by Your Fathering. Speak to me, O Father...
In the silence, in the storm. In my heart, in Your words. With strength and honor. With fierce love, with courage. With truth, with grace. As my Father, to Your son..."
The Final Debrief
This part I keep for myself. Bascially, it felt as if John and the RH Team were giving us the marching orders to go back to the front lines...and I never felt such an honor, such a deep masculinity, such a call to arms for my heart, such a level of genuine wisdom and discernment. It felt like a man of experience, a father, trying to give 
his son, full of inexperience, something to hold on to when he went off on his own to discover his own heart, his own place in the world, the place of strength in a sea of being on his own. But I'm not alone!
And, as I've experienced post-Boot Camp, such good advice...from one man to another!
The time since Boot Camp has been fraught with Battle and spiritual warfare unlike any I've experienced in my 4 year walk with the Lord. But my heart has not been taken out, I stand in strength and honor, and I stand firm in the truth of what God has done, is doing, and is calling me
forth to accomplish for His glory:
- I have called together my own Band of Brothers...following up on our 9-week book study of Wild at Heart, we now venture forth through the rest of this year, and will be meeting regularly to deepen our fellowship, discover the purpose of mission in our individual and group lives, and live out The Battles we fight, The Adventures we live, and The Beauty we rescue (for more information on John Eldredge, the Ransomed Heart™ Ministries, and the Wild at Heart Boot Camp™ to be held at Crooked Creek Ranch in Fraser, CO from November 12-15, 2009, see the link at the end of this entry).
- I continue with The ManKind Project™, meeting with initiated men once a week, stepping up into the community of men as we do our work, as we press on to fight for our hearts and the hearts of other men, and offer the initiatory journey to any man seeking it. I intend on stepping up to join the Staff of our next New Warrior Training Adventure™, to be held in Bedford, IN by the MKP KY Community on October 23-25, 2009 (for more information on MKP, see the link at the end of this entry).
- I continue to stay connected to M-Power™, the men's ministry at my local church in Louisville, KY -- Walnut Street Baptist Church (WSBC). Our men's ministry, like the church in general, faces many battles to awaken, empower, and ransom the hearts of the men in their congregations. As an initiated man, a man whose heart has been redeemed and ransomed, as a Warrior for Christ, and as a man with a Mission, I am poised to thrust myself back into The Battle within my own church, reinvigorated, rededicated, and realizing that God Himself leads me under His banner, for His glory.
And I continue to walk with God, talk to Him, listen, and follow. I trust in Him that He will be there to Father me, to initiate me further in the masculine journey, and love me as the son He creted me to be, to purpose me as the man He created me to be, and fill my heart with fierce, wild, and passionate love.The journey continues...strength and honor.
If you wish to contact me for comment or stategies to join in the battle for men's hearts:
For more information on John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries, visit them on the Web at:
PHOTO CREDITS: Johnny Fontaine, Don Baunsgard, Troy Reeves / 2009.
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1 comment:
Well done. I hope you are well and strong, continuing the walk and the fight. Thank you for sharing your experience. May God bless and keep you.
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